Preamble

My, how time flies. As Wario64's Tweet reminds us, it's been over ten years since Don Mattrick took the stage and presented the Xbox One, an all-encompassing multimedia-minded console priced at $499.99/£429.99. The platform proved to be a significant turning point for the company's console manufacturing fortunes after doing more than admirable work with the Xbox 360, hardware issues and all. Mattrick left Microsoft on July 1, 2013, and his position remained vacant until Phil Spencer officially became Head of Xbox in 2014. It's wild to think, but Mattrick announced the Xbox One, and when things went south, he only stayed around for less than a year before hitching his reputation and future on Zynga. So, while many gamers, especially those invested in the Xbox ecosystem, look at the anniversary of the Xbox One as a significant page in the "What Could Have Been" tome of video game history, most seem to have forgotten that we are also nearing the tenth anniversary of Phil Spencer's tenure as the head of the Xbox brand.

Phil Spencer is one of the more interesting figures in the video game landscape. The man first joined Microsoft in 1988 as an intern, with one of the highlights of his internship involving him becoming the development lead for Microsoft Encarta. He was twenty-five years old when he led that project. He was eventually attached to Microsoft's Xbox division almost immediately upon its launch. He made the rounds in Lionhead Studios and Rare until he became the general manager and studio vice president of Microsoft Studios, now known as Xbox Game Studios. When Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella promoted Spencer to the company's Senior Leadership Team, which means he now only reports to Nadella, few opposed the move. The Xbox brand was still on shakey grounds, but Spencer had done a decent enough job of righting the ship in a limited amount of time. Now with Nadella being reported as signing blank checks to fund the defense team responsible for protecting its proposed buyout of Activision-Blizzard, it doesn't seem like Microsoft has any plans of giving up on video games, though its vision of what it will contribute to the industry and what shapes its consoles will take remains undecided.

And yet, how much progress have we seen the Xbox division make since Spencer took the reins? Most estimates say the PS5 continues to outsell the Xbox Series S/X two-to-one, and the Switch continues to inhabit its own arena where it is on track to become the second best-selling game console/device of all time. The highly problematic launch of Redfall resulted in Spencer making the rounds in various media circles, wherein he publicly apologized for the game's state and took some responsibility. The reports of management dysfunction in Microsoft's internal studios, especially those they bought during Spencer's tenure, continue to grow. This year, the company has a lot riding on Starfield, and if the game's technical issues exceed what many of us would judge as the normal jank associated with Bethesda's style of open-world game design, that would be another black mark on his record. Game Pass remains his most significant achievement, even if it has done little to motivate people to join the Xbox ecosystem. So, does Spencer have enough to show for his nigh ten-year reign, and if not, at what point do you start judging his management and amiable direction differently? Before we get into that, I want to clarify that I am not advocating for the firing or removal of Spencer and his associates. Nor do I think Spencer is a friend, consumer advocate, or someone to defend like he's the second coming of Christ. He's a multi-million dollar earning corporate manager who will likely make more than I will ever make in my lifetime in one month.

The History Of Broken Promises

Let's start with an effortless statement: Phil Spencer legitimately loves this industry. He loves it so much that he has attended every one of Microsoft's E3 press conferences and has been on the brand's public stage in some capacity since 2010. The issue with Spencer's enthusiasm is that he has the "Peter Molyneux Syndrome." He overpromises on the company's portfolio of projects and habitually underdelivers. Likewise, his love for big stages and fancy press conferences has the habit of forcing some studios to slap together teaser trailers and game announcements far earlier than they should. Redfall is a recent example, and Jason Schreier's profile on the game confirms this in brutal detail, wherein Arkane developers knew the game was in a problematic and buggy state but were forced to demo it at press events, which seems downright cruel. Additionally, let's remember that 343 did a massive rework to Halo Infinite after a universally negative response to a press conference trailer. Likewise, when was the last time we heard anything about The Initiative's Perfect Dark reboot game or Playground Games' Fable title after both were tapped to be "World Premier" teaser trailers Spencer giddily announced on a public stage? Spencer and Microsoft are far from the only guilty culprits of this practice. Still, he sometimes exhibits an element of "announcement envy" when he tries to out-compete Sony and Nintendo on big stages, and it's had some embarrassing results.

Now, what are Spencer's responsibilities in this matter? At the most basic level, he reviews items before they get on the final draft of his conferences, and there's a high likelihood he puts out company-wide memos asking for interested parties. Again, I'm not an expert on the corporate structure at Microsoft, but there are two points worth echoing on this matter. First, Spencer's experience working in software, which dates back to 1988, should mean he has a good compass on software titles being in a good or bad state. Unlike other console gaming head honchos, Spencer knows how the sausage is made. Second, how many years in a row can you look directly at the camera, promise people this will be the best year for your console yet, see things not pan out, and still not realize you need to be more careful about your language and messaging? People might like Spencer's more amiable personality, but who trusts him when he excitedly says he has a game announcement that will catch your attention?

Most Agree Spencer's Statements About Big Games Not Moving The Needle Is Wrong

We now transition into the most divisive part of Spencer's Kinda Funny interview. At one point, he outright states that Microsoft likely will not be able to catch up to Sony or Nintendo this generation or possibly ever in terms of hardware sales, and also that even if the Xbox had a bevy of big, eye-catching titles or exclusives, people are unlikely to leave the current Sony and Nintendo console ecosystems in favor of Xbox's. There is some truth to what Spencer is saying, and I agree that the Mattrick era lost one of the worst possible generations one could lose in this industry. However, I don't entirely buy Spencer's argument that losing the Xbox One generation is the primary reason Xbox still needs to play "catch up." People forget that the PS3 eventually caught up to and exceeded the 360 thanks to Microsoft's complete and utter complacency after they caught Sony in its weakest state. After approaching an entire generation with a sense of pompous elitism, Sony engaged in a level of good faith building Spencer's management has repeatedly been gun-shy about in favor of continually attempting to shift their narrative to pretend like the Xbox One never happened. I honestly think if Spencer and others stopped saying some permutation of how the Series S/X was a "new era of Xbox" and instead publicly reflected on why consumers and developers turned on the Xbox One, it would result in some buy-in from significant stakeholders.

Furthermore, Nintendo had an even worse time with the WiiU. While Nintendo has almost 40+ years of video game IPs at their disposal, a fact I do not want to downplay, the core argument that big and exciting exclusive titles will not change your fortunes doesn't hold up in my mind. While Spencer's Kinda Funny interview was admirably frank, it critically oversimplified most video game consumers. Most people with disposable income and in the games hobby are open to owning more than one console. The messaging shouldn't be about "switching" people that own a Switch or PS5 to replace what they already own, but instead to motivate and communicate why owning an Xbox console alongside the ones they already own is a worthwhile investment. And yet, continually, Microsoft has failed to do that. Part of it stems from Microsoft releasing almost everything that launches on the Xbox on PC. Whether that is a good business decision is beside the point that people who do not already own an Xbox Series S or X don't feel like there is a reason to own one, and the brand isn't exactly saying why one should change that mindset.

The Reports Of Management Dysfunction In Their Purchased Studios Grows

This next point is not exactly a shocker to anyone casually following recent video game news. Still, Redfall is far from the only evidence of Microsoft showing clear signs of not knowing what it wants from the many internal studios it paid millions of dollars to own. Microsoft first announced the Perfect Dark reboot in 2020. After prolonged radio silence, Microsoft only recently revealed that they needed to reboot the endeavor, and many of the figures billed as spearheading the project had left. And speaking of Xbox struggling to communicate the state of its tentpole titles in its portfolio, it's WILD that we will likely get to the fifth anniversary of Gears 5 with no semblance of an idea of what is going on with Gears 6 or what Microsoft has done with The Coalition after Rod Fergusson left to work on Diablo IV. It's also not like Microsoft denies its struggles managing in-house studios. In a documentary titled Power On: The Story of Xbox, Spencer admitted that his and his predecessor's handling of Lionhead Studios was "a mistake" and how forcing them to make a Kinect title, everyone knew would never make its money back, was a terrible decision. Spencer also admits that he knew Fable Legends was not a good fit for the studio but didn't do anything to encourage the studio to pivot into something that better fit their strengths and instead let everyone involved wallow until the plug was finally pulled.

For an example of how the Spencer era has not been a universally smooth transition, look no further than the ebbs and flows of 343 Industries. It is essential to note that it's impossible to criticize any studio or console manufacturer with staff turnover unless you have evidence of gross or criminal negligence or abuse. There are even cases of Microsoft presiding over graceful torch-passing moments in its outfits, like when Shinji Mikami announced he was bowing out of Tango Studios after HiFi Rush. Likewise, The Coalition deserves much credit for using Gears 5 as a slight course correction of the series. Nonetheless, the struggles of 343 might stand as one of the most prominent black marks on Spencer's tenure as an actual manager of a brand. 343's near-constant soft-rebooting of the narrative they are trying to tell in each game is a sign there's an evident lack of direction that otherwise did exist during the Bungie era of Halo games. Infinite's inability to deliver on a regular schedule of updates and features that were once assumptions in the past, without any clear replacements or alternatives, further suggests 343 is either rudderless or in dire need of a director that can act as a point man willing to follow an open five-year plan. And the announcement the studio would be heavily affected by layoffs and was in the process of restructuring does not paint a pretty picture that Spencer or his staff know what to do with the post-Bungie Halo IP, even though they have had almost ten years to figure things out. Has the FPS genre passed Halo by? Possibly, but you can't look at 343's inability to deliver on split-screen co-op in Infinite or promised season pass features as anything other than a studio in crisis!

He Sure Likes To Put All Of His Eggs In One Basket

I hinted earlier that the Activision-Blizzard purchase would not be a focal point of this write-up. Nonetheless, there's no denying that we need to talk about it. To put a slightly positive spin on this topic, it is worth noting that the enormous blank check Satya Nadella gave Spencer to purchase the studios he did on top of Activision-Blizzard came after Spencer had to virtually argue in favor of Microsoft not selling the Xbox division to another company or spinning it off entirely. His directive of going "all-in" on gaming hasn't been without a handful of successes and, as we will eventually talk about with Game Pass, does deserve massive credit for changing how we consume video games in the first place. More fundamentally, if Spencer's personal goal was to keep the Xbox dream "alive" and within the walls of Microsoft, there's no denying he accomplished that. Nonetheless, they sure have a lot riding on their Activision purchase. Microsoft has the reputation of thinking it can purchase its way to market-share parity, and there's no denying you get that sense with Spencer's reign.

It also does not help that much of Spencer's current drive to move units and bring people into the Xbox ecosystem relies on people viewing Game Pass as "enough" to sell them on new console hardware or encourage them to use the Xbox or Game Pass PC apps. Speaking of which, how is it in the year of our Lord, 2023, that Microsoft's communication about the differences between Game Pass on Xbox and Game Pass on PC STILL is utter dogshit? I'm not even talking about the performance issues with the Xbox App on PC or Game Pass on PC; I want a list of the games that exist on one or the other and the ability to sort them. This quibble is one example of how Microsoft needs to be more thoughtful about educating general audiences about Game Pass, which is all the more difficult when you have two different permutations of that service. And on top of that, what the fuck is the point of the Xbox app on Windows? I'm sick and tired of needing to put it to sleep whenever Windows updates and turns it back on, and it sucks up my processing power, OR it hits me over the head with ads for games I'd much rather buy on Steam, Epic, or GOG.

The other dangerous line of thinking that Spencer is occasionally guilty of is viewing one game or project as being "enough" to salvage or justify problematic development cycles. The worst thing that could happen this year is if Starfield comes out and it has considerably more "Bethesda jank" than we have ever experienced in their previous titles. Open-world games are complex endeavors; there's no denying that. Nonetheless, a lot is riding on Starfield this year to show the power of the Xbox's architecture and that the Microsoft acquisition of Bethesda and ZeniMax Media was mutually beneficial. If the game comes out and it's noticeably better or has a smoother launch than what we have seen in previous Bethesda titles, they can, at least, claim they are learning from their failures. Still, another problematic outcome that could arise after Starfield's release is one I'm apprehensive about but assured will happen. I think there's a genuine risk that Starfield makes a ton of money, and Microsoft slaps water on their face and says, "Whelp! We are out of the growing phase! Nothing to see here! Business as usual!" Redfall is one of many examples that Microsoft needs to have a cause célèbre moment wherein they reflect on why their attempts to create the in-depth AAA internal game titles that Sony and Nintendo have has been messy at times and which of their policies or personnel continue to lead to these dusty development cycles.

To Spencer's Defense, He Inherited A Disaster

Let's now transition to why we should still view Spencer's tenure as a net positive rather than a net negative. The biggest one is a reason I have already hinted at earlier. The fact remains that the launch of the Xbox One was an unmitigated tire fire. While the console was not a complete commercial failure and even had pockets of success worldwide, Spencer inherited a public relations disaster. The end of the Don Mattrick era burned large swaths of the goodwill people had from the 360 and pissed away decades of progress Microsoft made with developers to treat their consoles as being on par with Sony and Nintendo. The last ten years have made some, but not complete, progress in rectifying the deficit Mattrick wracked up in the failed plan to make the Xbox One an all-encompassing multimedia device. Are there examples of developers like Square-Enix that prove some do not view the Series S/X as worth their time or that Microsoft still does not present them with a deal worth taking? Sure, but considering that the alternative was Nadella pulling the plug, Spencer preserving much-needed competition in the industry remains a massive accomplishment. And, yes, a single mind or person rarely spearheads business decisions. Spencer has a team of industry professionals that work with him. Regardless, part of his agenda of keeping the brand alive has also involved him and his team developing a path or direction we don't see from Nintendo or Sony. There's no denying that games are coming out that take advantage of Game Pass and would likely not exist on consoles if it did not exist.

Spencer's work to better align the Xbox division with Satya Nadella's mandate of moving from Microsft's software-based portfolio with services and cloud databases was no small task. Yet, he managed that reasonably well, and this has been to the benefit of consumers like you and me. It's wild to think, but Microsoft has the most consumer-friendly backward compatibility program AND maintains legacy software leaps and bounds better than its competitors. As an exercise, think of any game you bought digitally on XBLA during the heyday of the 360. Unless it is a movie tie-in or a licensed property, it's likely still available to purchase, thanks to Spencer and his team publicly advocating for these storefronts to stay up and available. The last time Microsoft sunset any services on Xbox was when they terminated Xbox Live support for the original Xbox to allow people to have more extensive friend lists and adopt a wider breadth of newer Wi-Fi generations. Yes, Games for Windows Live is another black mark on the company's record, but that wasn't Spencer's call, and it still ranks below Nintendo making whole generations of consoles virtually unusable like what they recently did with the Wii U or Sony revoking your ability to buy exclusive titles on the PS Vita.

Microsoft Has Been In The Industry For Far Less Time Than Its Competition

I want to return to Kinda Funny's interview of Spencer, wherein he accepted responsibility for Redfall's state and signaled that he did not see a path for Xbox to match the PS5's sales lead. Something must be said about him coming out and accepting responsibility for a mishap. When I indicated as such on various other channels, many people were apt to point out that Iwata did so when Nintendo's fortunes took a downward turn. Now consider this, by the time Iwata took up the head role in Nintendo, Nintendo had its skin in the video game industry for about the same amount of time Microsoft has been making and publishing console video games in totality. That's an advantage few have mentioned when raising concerns about Spencer's tenure leading Xbox, but one we need to be mindful of before calling for his ousting. Sega, Nintendo, and Sony have all committed more prominent follies that have lost their respective console brands even more money and reputation than the Xbox One. The Xbox One was Microsoft's de Havilland Comet. It was riddled with mistakes, but mistakes that virtually any company that has entered the console manufacturing market has made. Sure, Nintendo and Sony have pivoted within a single console generation after stumbling, but that's after both had decades of experience managing console hardware for nigh thirty years. Expecting a single person or team to un-fuck a thoroughly screwed situation is not just an unrealistic expectation; it also masks how Microsoft's failures have been echoed and repeated by its peers.

There's no way for me to put this without sounding like a monster; the studio dysfunction many have cited as a possible weakness of Spencer's management isn't endemic to Microsoft. Going dark on a hotly anticipated video game title? How about the Nintendo Defense Force update me about Metroid Prime 4 and Nintendo's haphazard direction for Retro Studios? And if you want a historical example of Nintendo being as meddlesome in the development and leadership of a video game as Microsoft was on Fable Legends, look up the development history of Body Harvest and learn how it might stand as one of the most tortured developments in industry history. Do you think Microsoft is alone in announcing a new internal studio prematurely? Remember when Sony paraded Treyarch veterans associated with the Call of Duty franchise with the announcement of Deviation Games? Remember when Sony announced that Deviation Games laid off 90 staff members this year, and all of those big names have since left the label for "undisclosed reasons?" And you also have Sony subsuming Japan Studio and stripping it of its identity after belting out Astro's Playroom.

Reading over Jason Schreier's most recent report on what went wrong in Arkane during Redfall shows some weaknesses of Spencer's management style. It sounds like he elected to give the newly acquired studios and their pre-existing management free reign to operate as they did before purchasing them. In a lot of ways, this article isn't surprising. Though, it's not a massive indictment against Spencer or Microsoft. Redfall sounds like an example of a studio operating out of its comfort zone, and with Arkane already three years deep, axing the game was a tough call. Additionally, the mismanagement seems primarily from Arkane's managers rather than Spencer's. You could argue that he should have pulled the trigger, but it's still a brutal decision. His only genuine mistake in my book was presenting the game as a big release when all the signs were there that it was not that. Additionally, Bethesda asked for Spencer's hands-off management style in the first place. Todd Howard has been on record saying he likes Microsoft letting them cook, and that was part of their initial agreement when ZeniMax agreed to its sale to Microsoft. I don't say any of this to apologize for poor management that has gone unchecked or possible toxic work practices. Nevertheless, let's not look at Redfall or other game projects from Microsoft's command center as these self-contained experiences. If Sony was so much better at this, what the FUCK was the deal with that TLOU PC port?

Game Pass Has Always Been A Long-Term Investment & It's A Massive Triumph Regardless Of Its Current Issues

If you press even the most ardent critics of the current state of Microsoft or Spencer to highlight successes, most tend to default to Game Pass. These claims are then followed by a bevy of issues with Game Pass, like the fleeting nature of more prominent games on the service or perceptions of its unreliability. Correspondingly, many people have claimed that Game Pass is a single success story associated with a brand in dire straights and that one W cannot possibly outweigh a long list of Ls. As if fundamentally changing how we consume and play games is a simple accomplishment that should weigh as much as a game launching hot or without promised features. Sure, the communication of what value Game Pass poses needs to improve, and the service is still struggling with some basic UI quibbles that have persisted well beyond their introduction. Still, Game Pass remains one of the best deals in the hobby, and it's not like Spencer unthinkingly followed a template another company pioneered. Laying the groundwork for Game Pass necessitated massive engineering and novel out-of-the-box thinking. There have been subscription gaming services in the past, but none have achieved the ubiquity or general acceptance Game Pass has achieved.

Likewise, Game Pass is not a singular service or product. Xbox Game Pass Ultimate and the goods tied to Xbox Cloud Gaming present entirely different benefits to people who opt into them. With Xbox Cloud Gaming, the team at Microsoft has assuaged previous critics at Microsoft internally that their division fell out of line with the company's growing emphasis on cloud services and its "software as a service" model. Maybe you hate this direction, but when you weigh the need for self-preservation, it's hard not to see the need for it. Cloud gaming is far from something that Microsoft or Phil Spencer invented, but when you look at previous stabs at creating a long-term cloud-based gaming service, efforts like OnLive didn't "stick" the way Xbox Cloud Gaming or Game Pass has. Correspondingly, other competitors like GeForce Now or Amazon's Luna have had far more tumultuous relationships with publishers leaving their respective platforms or services without warning. Let's not forget about GeForce Now changing its licensing agreements and, at one point, losing Bethesda, 2K, and Activision in a few weeks. Game Pass also has injected a much-needed sense of direction into the Xbox brand, and Spencer has consistently executed on funding games that benefit the most from the service, whether it be games big or small. Xbox under Spencer has what feels like an incredibly tangible sense of commitment to a long-term viewpoint on how to change their fortunes, and in the realm of business, that's not something you punish.

People Like Him

It seems incredibly odd to end this write-up with something so subjective, but pointing out Spencer's amiability seemed the best way to end it. And it is true, while the console wars still fail to die, most people view Spencer in a far kinder and brighter light than most of his competitors. Obviously, Nintendo is the gold standard, but let's remember how many of you would opine about always looking forward to Jeff Gerstamnn interviewing Spencer during E3 and feeling like there was something different about him. Yes, Spencer is still a corporate suit who speaks about wanting to take responsibility for the launch of Redfall with little sign of him following through in any meaningful way. Nonetheless, the man is a storyteller, and unlike Jim Ryan, he has more personality than a wet cardboard box. Even if all Spencer was expected to do was take center stage during conferences and get people excited about things they likely will not touch for at least five to six years, you still benefit from him sticking around. The thing is, Spencer knows his shit and does a lot more than drum up fanboy support. Thanks to his connection to software and game development, he understands the industry, and I don't know how many others tick the additional intangibles boxes he does.

And you know what? Having the humility to say outright that something is your fault and you accept responsibility, especially in an era when we seem to get the most robotic and soulless apologies from video game companies, is refreshing. Spencer's subsequent interviews about Redfall show he understands the game's issues are more significant than simply polish. What are the actual consequences of taking responsibility? I hope it translates to permitting Arkane to cook and providing the people who worked on Redfall the opportunity to share what they think could have been done better and him acting upon that input. Contrast Spencer with Jim Ryan, who often issues public statements that make perfect business sense but get your blood boiling. The main contrast is that the games company Ryan is in charge of has been doing exceptionally well. And that's just that. Even if we like Spencer because he knows how to talk like a human being, the point still stands: when is it time to reassess his tenure?

Author's Note: This the second part to a two-part series. Here's a link to the first episode in case you missed it:

• The Quest For The Worst Adventure Game Puzzles - MTV's Club Dead [Part 1] (At Least Scroll To The End For A Twist)

CONTENT WARNING! There's A Gross Transphobic Scene In This Game!

During my first blog post about Club Dead, I made a few passing references to how parts of this game reminded me of the first Ace Ventura movie. In particular, the way its larger-than-life characters gesticulated and talked felt like weird facsimiles of Jim Carrey's performance. I wrote that post before finishing the game, and now I stand here to report regretfully that Club Dead shares another highly deplorable similarity to Ace Ventura. One of the game's villains turns out to be Lana Powers, BUT Lana Powers is ALSO the oddball doctor performing the autopsies for the hotel's investigation. When you discover this, the doctor permanently switches to the voice used for Lana Powers, suggesting the character is meant to be trans or, at the very least, gender fluid. I should note the game does not outright have the doctor come out and say they are a trans person, and instead, has a morphing effect wherein the villain switches between their two "personalities." Nonetheless, the male actor makes a high concerted effort to sound effeminate once you experience this plot twist, and their mannerisms moving forward repeat a LOT of the familiar tropes film and media associate with gay men. For example, there's a point when they do a Z-Snap. Finally, though the doctor is henceforth referred to as "she" by everyone who is not the protagonist, the protagonist appears to misgender them deliberately as a taunt.

Now, a handful of you might read that last paragraph and think, "Well, what if the character is trans and they also happen to be evil?" As someone who played the game, I can tell you definitively that's not the case, and the doctor character, much like their Ace Ventura counterpart, is very much established as switching their gender to employ an evil plot. This trope trivializes the soul-wrangling those in the trans and gender-fluid communities go through and depicts gender reassignment as a simple flick of the switch. Yes, this game takes place in the future, but that doesn't change the fact that it repeats other harmful stereotypes in films and games regarding trans people. What makes this even more distressing is that the doctor is revealed to be mentally ill and that their "confusion" about their gender, the game's words, and not mine, are connected to that. It's utterly disgusting and a MASSIVE black mark on the game, even if you enjoy its wacky story and bizarre supporting visuals. And in the off-chance, you're still unconvinced any of what I described is not okay, one, know I don't want to be friends with you, and two, consider watching Disclosure on Netflix.

October 31st

Puzzles From 9:00 am to 11:25 am - [Rating: 6.5/10] - I needed to break my "retrospective" on Club Dead into two parts because October 31st is a BIG CHUNK of the game! Worse, the first two hours of this day are an absolute SLOG! After Nick Offerman helps you nab a bunch of aliens doing their best Roman senator cosplay, you enter your apartment only to experience a HILARIOUS cutscene in which your character's estranged girlfriend catches them hanging out with Lana Powers, but more on that in a little bit. As was the case before, your primary gameplay interactions involve:

• Fussing about with the in-game PDA.
• Checking messages/emails to gain new items.
• Moving random tat into and out of your character's hands.

The kicker here is that there are THREE long-winded emails to mull over instead of the usual one or two. Likewise, it's not immediately apparent which of these has your next storyline-required item, as each is relatively thorough. Finally, the item in question is a pallet swap of a previous one; in this case, the "ticking goggles" look very similar to the ones you've already used. To add insult to injury, you must discard the ticking goggles almost immediately after you enter the hotel lobby. The goggles don't even appear in a cutscene and exist as an entirely artificial barrier to your progress.

After watching another video, Sam, your character, needs to review a new bevy of PDA files before moving a "personal access badge" into his hands. Apparently, after arresting the evil space Romans, the hotel's security team felt the need to deputize you, despite you still being the primary suspect in a murder. With the badge, migrate to Lana Power's room. After a quick back-and-forth with her, review new documents and emails before hitching a ride on an elevator to floor ten and, after seeing a cinematic there, make it a priority to go to the Medical Room on floor fourteen. While there, Sam needs to perform an autopsy on the Space Roman Nick Offerman killed so he can yank a CD from his gullet. However, it is worth noting that this action will only trigger if you remember to read the relevant email that details that the doctor that performed a preliminary autopsy found the CD in the first place. If you elect to blow off the emails, this entire sequence will not pop off, and you'll be unable to complete the game. It would also be best if you moved the disc into your main inventory so you can download and review a new PDA file which will allow you to trigger a new cutscene upon entering Sam's hotel room.

Weirdest Video: It's a tie between your girlfriend catching you mucking around with Lana Powers and your character going elbow-deep into the throat of a corpse. The walk-in scene has the expected punchline of Sam's girlfriend making a pretty honest appeal for him to open up to her about his current issues, but the endnote wherein Lana walks into the frame without warning and turns directly to the camera to blow a kiss while saying "I can't endure interruptions. Night, baby!" is the sort of fourth-wall-breaking nonsense I can get behind. The scene that ties this one involves Sam realizing there's more evidence to collect from the long-dead obese Space Roman. He then shoves his whole arm into its corpse, THROUGH ITS MOUTH, so he can grab a CD-ROM that got there for unknown reasons. And to cap it all off, after pocketing the CD, the ghost of the dead Space Roman shouts at him to return the CD where he got it.

Puzzles From 12:00 pm to 3:25 pm - [Rating: 5/10] - Things indeed start on a "bang" with you needing to mess around with the Chipman Interace again! In case you have forgotten, the game makes you click on attachments in emails to complete puzzles; it also has an in-game permutation of unzipping files in the form of the Chip System, which oddly mimics 7-Zip in terms of the steps you need to follow. After watching a new video, download a few files before going to the Fantasy Room. Upon entering the room, you'll see a montage of the dreams and aspirations of each person murdered at the hotel up to this point. Scudder wanted to play with puppies, and Richie 7 wanted to start a rock band. After copying these dreams onto a disc, you can head to the Surveillance Room. But before we do that, I must note that using the disc during this bit is incredibly fiddly. After leaving the elevator, and not a second later, you must put the disc in your hands until you find a reasonably obtuse door at the end of a hallway. After the cutscene with the dreams is done, you need to place the disc in your main inventory, and if you leave it in your hands, the cutscene in the Surveillance Room will not trigger. Once that task is done, it's time to download and review more PDA files and emails before walking to the Body Station.

While the Body Station is typically a fun location, it's, unfortunately, time to repeat the game's routine involving PDA articles and emails before moving to your next location, Central Control, on the first floor. However, it would be best to move the disc from your inventory to your character's hands again. The good news is that you burn this disc after interacting with Logan and don't have to worry about it again. The bad news is that Sam needs to book an appointment for Spenser in the Pod Room, where he experienced the demonic Teletubbies. You find Spenser designing a new holographic virtual reality program, which involves him shouting orders to designers and engineers while he inhabits a video game world because that's how video game development will work in the future. Because this is a cyberpunk hellscape of a video game, Spenser attempts to call security, with Dali-inspired melted clocks interjecting in between every other word he says, only for Sam to declare that Scudder is dead. Spenser continues to ignore your character as he dematerializes you from his program.

Weirdest Video: Did I remember to mention that Nick Offerman's character dies? He's the best character in the entire game, and they kill him at the halfway mark. At least the game knows to send him off in a fitting fashion. As the doctor examines his corpse, he notices a white ice-like substance covering his body and takes his fingers, uses them to caress Offerman's mustache, and then begins to smell and eat whatever killed him. This action allows him to determine his time of death to the hour. Logan, also your estranged girlfriend, is promptly named the head of security at the hotel. She's shockingly competent at her job and the game's "straight man/woman" in many regards. Nonetheless, the hotel doctor being a weird pervert that can only make diagnoses if they can lick their patients, was a choice.

Puzzles From 4:00 pm to 5:30 pm - [Rating: 4/10] - It could be Stockholm Syndrome, but it was around this point when the game's annoying interface became less of an impediment and everything it needed me to do felt increasingly automatic. I knew there would be files for me to peruse, and considering there had not been a new item when I started the next level, I knew there was nothing in my hands I needed to consider putting there. In this case, it is time to return to the Medical Lab before returning to the Pod Room. If there is one quibble for me to relay, it's the game's on-again/off-again relationship with the personal access badge. There are a handful of new environments that are only accessible if you have the badge in hand, and it needs to be active regardless of however many times you've been there previously. There are also some new environments where you only need to have it in hand the first time you enter. Finally, some locations during the game's second half don't need it at all.

Alas, if only that were my only issue with this segment! Before attending to things in the Pod Room, place the personal access badge in your character's hand and enter. It's time for you to have a WONDERFUL cutscene involving Spenser in his virtual reality world AGAIN! After watching a video, remove the badge and head for the lobby. Watch another cutscene, review new emails, and consult files in your PDA. Finally, head for the Body Station on floor fifteen, but mercifully, this situation does not require you to have a specific item. And if you are keeping record, the game has now repeated the same formula at least six times!

Weirdest Video: The part with Spenser in the virtual reality program is undoubtedly the most memorable part. It has the most 90s-era appropriate flashing geometric patterns while Spenser repeats familiar fashion guru tropes in a faux-gay accent. Sam acts surprised when Spenser blows him off, but considering he just met him and decides to call him "Spense" to his face, who can blame him? But the weird ways the game attempts to remind you that it takes place in the far-flung future slay me. When Spenser attempts to use a digital device to call for security, it's a giant green bong-like speakerphone because when this game was made, cell phones were not the cutting-edge technology they are today. The protagonist even references wanting to vent their frustrations on Spenser using "instant messenger." And the background art during this dialogue must be seen to be believed.

Puzzles From 6:05 pm to 7:55 pm - [Rating: 8/10] - During this segment, it is CRITICAL that you be careful when checking your messages. These messages are tucked away in a separate Inbox panel and entirely different from your PDA files the game already expects you to review as part of your daily goings-on. Nonetheless, move a "Digitizer" from your main inventory to your character's hands and use the elevator to move to the Surveillance Room on floor sixteen. This action nets you a digital drug-sniffing dog called a "Video Bloodhound." After you watch a weird cutscene in the Surveillance Room, you need to find a new file attachment and note it shows an image displaying the letters "AC." Replace the Digitizer with the Video Bloodhound in your character's hands and use the Chipman Interface to listen to an audio recording. After you listen to the chip, head for the hotel lobby and use the Tele-FX, which nets another cache of documents you need to read and review. I will warn you, the final hour of this game makes you interact with a TON of fiddly menu systems, and it drove me up the wall.

After you review those documents, head for your character's hotel room to watch an incredibly in-depth cutscene to learn about the hotel's sub-basement. Unfortunately, when you attempt to use the elevator to get there, you'll likely take note of a locked door that blocks your progress. Remember when I said reading the documents during this level was important? Do you also remember when I told you one of those emails had an attachment with the letters "AC?" Yup, the password to this door is in an incredibly easy-to-miss file attachment and impossible to figure out anywhere else. Also, there's an additional log-in you need to input, "LUMIEL," that you only get in an email AFTER you first enter the sub-basement! You'll never forget any of this information during additional playthroughs, but it is goddamn infuriating to butt up against the first time!

Weirdest Video: When you enter the sub-basement, you discover it is a furnace, and a British sci-fi coal miner is one of the few people that work there. Despite that, he's wearing a German World War I Stormtrooper uniform. Also, he speaks in sentence fragments and riddles like he's a Skaven from Warhammer Fantasy. However, the best part is when he introduces himself as Lumiel and says, "Lumiel is always here to give you a hand," upon which he gives you a SEVERED HUMAN ARM and then runs away. IT'S NOT A PROSTHETIC; IT'S AN ACTUAL HUMAN BODY PART! Apparently, our friend Lumiel has been toiling around in the hotel's furnace and encounters random human appendages all the time, and like a cat that has recently slayed a mouse, he wants to show that he likes you by giving you viscera. Oh, and you don't need to chase after him and give him his goddamn arm back. If you do, he welcomes you to use it as he thinks you need it more than him! As a result, you now have a human arm on top of your usual inventory clutter.

Puzzles From 9:00 pm to 10:15 pm - [Rating: 6/10] - As you might expect, you need to move the human arm into your hand and then go to the Hotel Lobby and make a beeline for the Tele-FX. After you finish your business with the Tele-FX, move the arm back into your main inventory and head for the Pod Room. A weird and scary video depicts Lana Powers' death, and your character decides to book it for her room on floor five. Upon entering, you find the room empty, and nothing happens. That's because this is one of the few times the game is time-sensitive! The following cutscene, which happens to be the transition between this day and the next, will only deploy when the clock hits 11:00 pm, even if you have all the required items to trigger it! Luckily, there is a button that moves you forward in time, but I have been avoiding it to give you a better sense of what it is like to experience the entire game. This scenario is one of the few times when the game requires you to be aware of the in-game clock, and it's easy to see this example being a frustrating roadblock. The dongle that speeds things up is easy to miss, and the previous time you needed to check the clock to progress the story was ages ago, and the game incentivizes you to take your time and not bother with it!

Weirdest Video: Despite my disclaimer at the start, I simply MUST talk about the reveal involving Lana Powers. When it seems like the doctor is about to perform a lobotomy on your character, Lumiel pops out of nowhere and comes to your rescue. You met him exactly once prior to this scene, and he declares you one of his best friends, so he attempts to rescue you. He also uses a comically oversized pair of garden sheers to cut you loose. He hisses and squeals like a rat, but he's your buddy for the rest of the game! There is an earlier scene wherein you watch Lana Powers get murdered, which is incredibly creepy. The dream sequences and murder scenes all feel like they owe a debt of gratitude to David Lynch, and that scene, in particular, is no different. But something about a character you meet in a game's final act being the crux of the entire story tickles me pink.

November 1st

Puzzles From 12:00 pm to 2:20 pm - [Rating: 8/10] - Alright, it's the final day of Club Dead, and now we need to talk about a new mechanic on top of all its annoying menu-based nonsense! This new mechanic involves you needing to save people on specific floors before exceeding a time limit. If you fail, you get a "Game Over." It is worth noting how playing certain parts of this game out of order or attempting to interact with other characters or environments without the necessary equipment will end your adventure prematurely. For your first rescue mission, you must find Logan Kane in Central Control on the first floor before the clock exceeds 12:20 pm. When Lumiel rescues you from the evil doctor, the game starts at 12:00 pm. With such a narrow window to complete this task, is the game cognizant of this fact and stop with the file downloading and email reading bullshit? NOPE! You still have to interact with the rigamarole you always do when starting a new level or sequence in this game. Plus, when you save Logan Kane, you need to use a syringe when entering Lana Power's room which ducktails into you needing to head to the Surveillance Room on the sixteenth floor. It's around here when the game shows that it has run out of ideas of how to string together sequences, as the gameplay amounts to visiting every location at least once to see if someone needs saving from the evil doctor. After the Surveillance Room, you head for the Pod Room, followed by the Sub-Basement. Because the murderer is loose, if you visit things out of order, YOU DIE! That last part is infuriating because there are so many levels to choose from, and while the previous three days allowed for some open-ended exploration, this final one does not.

Weirdest Video: When you enter the Surveillance Room, you find the doctor attempting to inject your girlfriend with a large syringe. Moments before they can kill her, your character comes to the rescue. However, after wrestling the needle from the doctor, our good friend Sam decides to rekindle his relationship with his estranged girlfriend instead of CHASING AFTER THE MURDEROUS DOCTOR! Sure, sticking around reveals some critical information about the doctor and how they attempted to shut down everyone's access codes, but did our good friend Sam need to have a tender heart-to-heart on top of his lore dump? However, the scene that takes the cake has to be the one you see when you break into Lana Powers' room. After snatching some incriminating evidence, a bizarre blue hologram taunts Sam. I do not know what this hologram is meant to depict, so I'll post an image and hope one of you knows what it might be. I think it might be a Smurf put through a Vitamix.

Puzzles From 3:25 pm to 4:55 pm - [Rating: 5/10] - After the cutscene in the Sub-Basement, you need to examine a new PDA file to acquire an item for a future sequence. That item is a wedding ring, but it is crucial that you not put it into your character's hands until after you do a few things. First, head to Sam's apartment to trigger a new message and then leave to use the elevator to return to the lobby. A new PDA file should pop up, and this one will net you a printout that needs to be placed in your character's hands so you can use it on the Tele-FX. Once done, remove it from your character's hands and read over a new batch of PDA files before heading to the Medical Lab. After that, you should eventually get a PDA file that bestows a picture of a clock and place this in your character's hands like the previous picture and then move to the Body Station. When you finish the cinematics there, replace the photo with the syringe and then go to the seventeenth floor, which normally houses the bar, but this time use a wooden door that you have never used before. As you might have guessed, the pictures are all one-off items and are a nuisance. Knowing when to use them and when to tuck them away is never particularly clear, and that's an endless source of irritation.

Weirdest Video: This part of the story makes no sense to me. Your character collects tapes from Lana's room and then has the security guard play them, and it is discovered they are the tape recordings of everyone the doctor has killed. They show perfect evidence of the characters killing themselves, and the security guard even acts nonplussed that they exist in the first place and even quips that they came from the cameras already installed in everyone's hotel room by default. So, if the hotel knows there are suspicious activities and a possible serial killer, why didn't they notice that their security camera footage was missing in the first place? Regardless, the security footage is a riot, with the highlight being the discovery that Nick Offerman's character called his taser "Sparky" in memory of his dead childhood dog.

Puzzles From 5:20 pm to 7:20 pm - [Rating: 3/10] - When you enter the Tiki Bar with the syringe, you should be able to save someone named "Red Moses." You must do this before the clock passes the 5:20 pm mark. After reading over some new PDA files, move the syringe and then go to the hotel's tenth floor. After helping the people there, read a message that gets you some cash, and then head to the Pod Room again. Move the money to your hands, enter the room, and net a new object called a "V Timer." Move that object into your character's hands before moving to the Fantasy Room, and after you are done there, move it back to your main inventory. With all that out of the way, head for the Surveillance Room. This chunk of the game was BY FAR the tamest of all its sequences during the final day. You don't have to do anything new, and it is easy to figure out where you need to go, given only a few rooms are left. Moving crap around is still more complicated than it needs to be, but that's about it.

Weirdest Video: When you enter the Surveillance Room at the end of this sequence, Sam's girlfriend asks why they don't just leave the hotel. Despite being the sanest proposal we have heard in the entire game, Sam dismisses it, saying they still need to definitively point the murders on the doctor, as if we haven't already done that. After that quip, the doctor attempts to communicate with the two by billowing, "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears," and then lays out their entire evil scheme for all to hear. Their transmission looks like something ripped directly from Max Headroom, with static, 90's stylings, and other random icons like flaming skulls and casino slot machine cherries also gracing the screen. And guess which floor their secret lair is! Yup, it's on the thirteenth one!

Puzzles From 7:55 pm to 10:30 pm - [Rating: 6/10] - It's time for the BIG FINALE! Your character hints that "only one person knows how to get to the thirteenth floor," and that's our buddy in the Sub-Basement. Check your inboxes and PDA before and after entering the basement. After an extensive cutscene, check for messages and new PDA files and acquire an elevator access button. Return to the Pod Room and place the bidirectional transductor back into your hands before entering the door to the main room. I must note this is an item you have used precisely ONCE PRIOR, and it was during the first day! That is what I call a "dick move." Once you are done with the Pod Room, move the elevator access badge into your hands, and when you use the elevator, you should be able to access the thirteenth floor. After a cutscene, place the wedding ring in your character's hands, and it is critically important to check for and read new PDA files before AND after entering the elevator. To save time, you don't even need to use the elevator, but for whatever reason, the game only triggers the email containing the solution on how to beat the doctor if you enter the elevator. However, you die if you mess around for too long in the hotel. The best course of action is to download the files after the first cutscene on the thirteenth floor ends, enter the elevator, and review the new files that pop up. The final "skill check" regarding if you beat the final boss is if you read the required files and have the wedding ring in Sam's hand. That's it, but trust me, it's a bastard.

Weirdest Video: The ending to Club Dead is a work of art. I don't think any of you will be shocked to learn that Club Dead has a fever dream of a finish. When you first enter the thirteenth floor, you find a giant container with the brains of the doctor's former murder victims. Nearby you find their corpse hooked up to a machine that can send people's consciousness through the internet. After Sam uses the contraption for a hot ten seconds, his girlfriend yanks him out moments before he fries his brain. After the two discuss what happened, a new antagonist reveals themselves. It turns out the doctor was trying to use the brains as a sacrifice for an evil spirit that lived in the hotel and wanted to be freed by using the internet. The woman is Alexandria Romanov, a long-forgotten descendant of the Romanov family and wife of Lumiel. She reveals that the owner of the hotel took her brain and fused it with the computer, and now that she is free, she's going to get her revenge by killing everyone in the hotel and then downloading her consciousness into the internet to send a message that will melt everyone's brains.

I know this isn't how the internet works, and this sounds a LOT like The Ring, but it was the 90s; what more can I say? The evil internet witch begs Sam to hand over his brain, and she attacks your girlfriend by shooting out internet BASIC from her hands. Sam pulls out the wedding ring, which is the witch's Kryptonite, and Sam shouts for his girlfriend to stop the upload of the brain-eating super virus. When she fails, the creepy girl that constantly hung out in Sam's hotel room pops into the scene, calls the evil internet witch "mommy," and then breaks the machine that was about to send her brain-melting internet message. I cannot emphasize enough that none of this is foreshadowed even the slightest bit. The brain witch is defeated, and the remaining survivors of the hotel book a flight on a spaceship before it explodes. Sam and his girlfriend decide to adopt the girl that helped them defeat the brain witch, and everyone lives happily ever after.

NOT! The game implies that Lana Powers uploaded her consciousness into Sam's girlfriend's brain while she was knocked out during the fight against the brain witch, essentially killing her, and the ship's pilots are those demonic Teletubbies from earlier.

Should You Play MTV: Club Dead? (Answer: Probably Not)

In the first episode, Sparky_Buzzsaw made the cogent point of saying to most people amused by the concept of Club Dead that their best option was to find a YouTube video with all of the cutscenes spliced together into a single fifty-minute video. At the time of my first blog, I had not fully finished the game and was aghast at the suggestion. I was entertained enough by the game's harebrained moments that the work I put into it still felt worth the effort. Then the repetition of the gameplay kicked in, and I reached the more involved segments and found myself defaulting to Sparky's judgment. It does not help, as I indicated at the start, that there's an incredibly off-putting plot twist involving a trans-person, and their gender feels less like a point of empowerment and more like a cheap shock-jock comedy bit. As a result, I burned out on Club Dead far quicker than I had envisioned. It's a bummer but par for the course in multi-media video games. Rarely, if ever, do non-Myst, non-Tex Murphy, non-Journeyman Project, or non-The Beast Within FMV adventure games know how to maintain their momentum.

Despite those issues, this game is an incredible time capsule. Never before have I seen a single video game encapsulate the social fabric and aesthetical milieu of the 90s quite like Club Dead. Every creative, narrative, and aesthetical choice that needed to be made in the game defaulted to the most potent and quintessential notions and hopes of the 1990s. The idea of instant messengers and PDAs dominating the technological landscape in the future? That's here. The concept of the internet being a portal to Hell and the afterlife? Yup, Club Dead has that! Are you nostalgic for the Jazz Solo Cup design? Well, you are in luck because it's in this game! Do you want a game that reminds you of your sticker-filled elementary school Trapper Keeper? This game might be for you, but be warned, it is not for the faint of heart. The game takes a note from Myst and puts next to no emphasis on solving puzzles, but unlike Myst, it relies on inventory management and object "skill checks" to gate away its nonsensical cutscenes. It's a complete bore to play, and as I said at the start of this series, I don't know a single gaming-based demographic where that feels worth the barrier to entry. But maybe you are up for the challenge because FMV games of this ilk give you a rush. Maybe you exist, and in that case, give it a shot.

Pokémon Was/Is Kind Of A Big Deal To Me

I'm not exactly prompt with this blog, but after getting past a bunch of work-related stress and Giant Bomb-related obligations, I was able to do something I have been meaning to do for about a month: sit down and watch the Pokémon anime. It might not seem like something an average thirty-something should have on their to-do list. Still, as someone who grew up in the nineties and with Pokémon a part of my daily video game and media diet, I felt like recent events and news warranted me coming out of my Pocket Monster multimedia retirement. While I habitually adopt every other game in the mainline series into my library, the animes and movies slid out of my prevue around the time I entered middle school. You know, that awkward period when it was okay to like things that were "nerdy" in private, but the minute people found out about it publicly, all Hell broke loose, and your social life was over. None of this preamble is to suggest Pokémon media was NOT an essential part of my upbringing. I spent an ungodly amount of time and money in the trading card game, waited with bated breath when new TV series episodes aired, and even stayed in line during a chilly morning when the first movie was released.

Nonetheless, "lapse" is the best way to describe my relationship with anything marginally connected to the non-video game Pokémon empire Nintendo built once I erred towards my latter tween years. Even though I still managed to qualify as an alternate for my region's TCG junior tournament, around 12, I finally decided to "grow up" and move away from the show, card collecting, and games. I think everyone has that moment at least once, but with different media. It's that awkward moment when you need to walk away from something before you want to because you think you'll get in trouble for liking something you worry others perceive as being beneath you or your age. For me, it was Pokémon, but maybe for you, it was Barbie, The Muppets, He-Man, G.I. Joe, Transformers, The Smurfs, Sesame Street, etc. I have no idea if this phenomenon has a name, but I doubt regardless of gender, race, religion, or creed, you'll meet a single person that hasn't walked away from something significant to their childhood when they didn't want to. Part of the reason for that stems from most children's media rarely making any platitudes or recognition that adults can like their content or, as is the case of Pokémon, that people who were there when the franchise started are now adults.

Now, yes, Pokémon has eschewed things slightly in that regard. Nintendo knows people like you and I play the games. Hence, the DLC and content patches for any modern title bearing the namesake consider our input. But the shows and films have always been an on-ramp into the games and other merchandise and rarely if ever, made motions of wanting to be cognizant of time. Sure, some characters came and went, and even Ash fell to the wayside occasionally to make way for other characters that could better represent new and emerging worlds, locations, and upcoming games. Still, there was a core that persisted for nigh thirty years, and before this year, all signs pointed to the television show trudging on no differently than The Simpsons, South Park, or SpongeBob. And yet, 2023 proved otherwise. Admittedly, it was announced in 2022, one month after Ash became "World Champion," that the final episode of Pokémon Ultimate Journeys: The Series would mark the last time Ash would be the protagonist of an episode of the anime. All future series would feature new characters at the helm, new locals, and accompanying monsters. The final episode of this season, in which the series and audiences bid Ash farewell, is a beautiful send-off. As the title of this blog might suggest, I even got a slight bit emotional when things finally came to an end. If you wish to avoid spoilers, I'll segregate an episode summary in the next section of this blog, allowing you to skip ahead.

The Final Episode Is Beautiful

Before we get into what happened in the episode, let's make one important note. Ash did not retire and is still a figurehead, though in a reduced capacity in future seasons of all non-game Pokémon media. He sets off on a new adventure, and it's all but assured he'll continue to pop up from time to time when duty calls. This fact has led some to say that the announcement that the show is moving on from him was simply a marketing gimmick similar to when Transformers: The Movie (1986) killed off a whole slate of beloved characters only to replace them with new ones so kids would buy new toys. While my heart tells me to put up a vehement defense of the new direction in the final episode, there's no denying the corporate underpinning that has defined Pokémon since its inception. Putting a new set of fresh faces at the front of posters and media is meant to onboard new prospective consumers into the Pokémon media empire. If we continue to ride this train, that's just cake for the people in charge of the future of the television series.

However, the real point I want to make about Ash not fully retiring is that his final episode was refreshingly "understated." He and Pikachu end up where they started and start the proverbial process of reuniting with every character that defined their journey from beginning to end. Whether it be Gary, Misty, Professor Oak, or Ash's Mother and her Mr. Mime, everyone is there and has something to say to him to make him think about his present standing in the world. The first part of this process that honestly "got me" is when he definitively says goodbye to Brock and Misty. There's no rigmarole of getting the team back together and going on one more great adventure. In a moment of stunning clarity, Ash recognizes that his former companions have settled down, and while he feels restless, he doesn't want to upend the lives of others for the sake of his well-being. He promises to revisit the two when possible, but as he continues to march forward, it's in the hope of meeting new people while not forgetting about others he has met in the past. Again, it's an utterly understated moment, and one only older Pokémon fans will notice, which is a defining feature of the entire episode. While I think some younger or more recent fans might find parts of it lacking the up-tempo pacing that practically defines the series, the episode's slower and more reflective pace seems tailored to those that may remember slogging down Gogurt or Lunchables while glued to a Zenith television. Ash realizes he's old and things are different. It only took him twenty-five years to admit it, but we finally see it happen.

To further the theme of identity wrangling, Ash talks to Professor Oak, where he re-encounters some of his older Pokémon and even Gary. The reflective exercise here involves whether or not being a World Champion makes Ash the "Pokémon Master" he dreamed about when we first met him. The conceit is one I think we can all relate to, at least conceptually. Sometimes the little victories that keep us going are fleeting, but not the successes we set out for our initial career aspirations. And how do we define "success?" Is it by a metric set by you or someone else? Is it the eye of the beholder, and whose eye is it? As an individual who has sometimes considered the directions I could have gone with my education and career, it's a familiar feeling. I know I'm good at my job and making some difference in the world here and there, but is it enough, and am I truly happy? The story juxtaposes one of its possible answers to that when it reveals that Team Rocket has reunited after a controversial breakup a few months prior. Despite an endless stream of failures, the three are as happy as can be and don't give a rat's ass that they have almost nothing to show for the twenty-five years they have been at it trying to steal Ash's shit. By most metrics, their team is an utter failure, but they don't care, and that's the point.

The final reflection in the episode is the most cathartic for those who remember the Pokémon phenomenon's origins. Near the end of the episode, Ash re-encounters the Pidgeot he released and promised to reconnect with from the original series. Before this encounter, Ash tries to settle down but fails because something doesn't feel right about stopping his march around the world, even though he's hoisted up a big fancy trophy. When he meets a bespoke forgotten friend, he realizes that even if you walk the same path a thousand times, you'll always have a new story to tell and people to meet. The difference this time is that Ash, like you and me, has experience and age on his side. And in a concession to those that might pine for the past, he declares that even with age, there are still adventures and journies for him to look forward to. It's a conclusion I honestly saw coming a mile away, but one I did not mind for a second. I think we, and even those growing up with Pokémon right now, as you and I did decades ago, benefit from being reminded that there's nothing wrong in retreading things from your past. You can still have adventures as you age, say goodbye to old friends, make new friends, and learn about new places and people, whether you are a kid or a senior citizen. No one other than you can tell you when to stop.

Why I Think This Is A Special Moment

The obvious point is that seeing everyone come together at least one last time with practically the same voices and faces when things started was comfort food. The endnote with Pidgeot has been an unresolved plot thread for nearly twenty-four years, and while some might consider it a cheap bit of fanservice, it serves an important message. Pokémon understands that the kids that first grew up with it exist. There's little doubt in my mind that the future of the television series will not be as forthcoming about wanting to pay tribute to the past. Still, this solitary concession made me recollect years of watching silly cartoons about kids bonding with monsters. That, at least to me, was worth the price of entry. We are getting older. While the show isn't always the best place to relive memories and croon about the past, it will continue to provide the same opportunities to learn about growth and friendship for new kids that some of us benefited from. Hell, some of you might be sitting down with your own children watching rehashes of stuff you remember falling in love with decades ago!

More suitable writers and intellectuals in the world of literature are better equipped to opine about the best conclusions in the realm of literature. I had a professor in college spend an entire three-hour symposium where all he did was try to convince every student in his American Lit. 202 class that it was Moby Dick. While he made a more than decent argument, I'm rather squeamish about delving into the muddy waters of histrionics. Nonetheless, two conclusions still stick out to me as my favorites. The first, The Great Gatsby, requires no introductions. Still, I hazard to say that it might be too "safe" and is possibly one that would net me more eye-rolls than nods of agreement. Some use the novel's status as required reading as a case study on everything wrong with secondary English literature education. My second pick, and the dark horse, is The Phantom Tollbooth. While a work of children's literature, the novel's final page perfectly captures that singular moment of transitioning from childhood isolation to teenage destination and experimentation—the evolution from being abstract to seeking experiential life lessons. Just as in Ash's final episode as the titular adventurer, Milo in The Phantom Tollbooth is forced to seek a new adventure with memories of the past and the ability to look at things through a new lens as his advantage. For those who might not know what I am talking about, I'll reference an excerpt from the book.

Milo walked sadly to the window and squeezed himself into one corner of the large armchair. He felt very lonely and desolate as his thoughts turned far away—to the foolish, lovable bug; to the comforting assurance of Tock, standing next to him; to the erratic, excitable DYNNE; to little Alec, who, he hoped, would someday reach the ground; to Rhyme and Reason, without whom Wisdom withered; and to the many, many others he would remember always.

And yet, even as he thought of all these things, he noticed somehow that the sky was a lovely shade of blue and that one cloud had the shape of a sailing ship. The tips of the trees held pale, young buds and the leaves were a rich deep green. Outside the window, there was so much to see, and hear, and touch—walks to take, hills to climb, caterpillars to watch as they strolled through the garden. There were voices to hear and conversations to listen to in wonder, and the special smell of each day.

And, in the very room in which he sat, there were books that could take you anywhere, and things to invent, and make, and build, and break, and all the puzzle and excitement of everything he didn't know—music to play, songs to sing, and worlds to imagine and then someday make real. His thoughts darted eagerly about as everything looked new—and worth trying. "Well, I would like to make another trip," he said, jumping to his feet; "but I really don't know when I'll have the time. There's just so much to do right here."

It's odd, but rarely do we see media establishments as codified as Pokémon make even the slightest effort to age with their audiences. To even marginally thank the people there when things first took off was comforting but also purgative. I will likely not touch another episode of the television show unless something demands it. I harbor no ill will or judgment to those that wish to continue with the series, and it would be hypocritical if I did, considering I continue to trudge along here when things are clearly changing, and many people I remember talking to daily find new mediums and chapters to their video game enthusiasm elsewhere. But that's the beauty of The Phantom Tollbooth and Ash's farewell. Both end with the same message. Where you end up in your next journey, whether it be somewhere new or familiar, if it's your path, that's all that matters. There will be some people who join you and others that will not. The point is to thank everyone that helped you along the way but keep persisting. Go out there and find new experiences where you least expect them. You're not bound to have the same friends or sensations as your first adventure, but that's precisely why you should do it.

It's Time To Raise Money For Educational Charities!

Hey everyone, as I hinted at during the first part of my Club Dead retrospective, this weekend will mark the start of the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run. I will join those participating by streaming video game goodness this year as in previous years. My typical structure during the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run (i.e., GBCER) is to play for about six hours on Friday, ten to twelve hours on Saturday, and another six hours on Sunday. I will modify that slightly but follow that template again. My plan of using these streams to echo my most popular blogging content on the site will perfectly mimic my streaming and donation goals. I will have a fun assortment of adventure games, RPGs, and overall weird shit you likely have never heard of until today. If you have been a fan of the blogs I have written or appreciate the Community Spotlight feature I author with the help of Marino, please consider donating. Even small amounts are appreciated, and the charity I am working with, Pencils of Promise, works to build schools, train teachers, send kids to school, and provide parts of the world with clean access to water. 100% of your donation goes to their charitable efforts and will NOT go to overhead or administrative payroll.

Nonetheless, it's BEEN A YEAR for the Giant Bomb Community. This year's charity drive experienced significant replanning and restructuring due to recent events associated with the site. This year will be one of the hardest for me to reach my donation goal. And yet, I'm still optimistic and happy to be a participant. If you are not in a position to donate this year, that's okay! Catch the fun in the Giant Bomb chat or Explosiveruns.com! Also, consider sharing the donation link to my charity page with anyone you know or on any platforms you can access that allow it. Any little bit you can contribute to bring some love, attention, and donations to this event is greatly appreciated. If there is one thing I know about this community, it is that you are all capable of accomplishing amazing things when it comes to making the world a better place. So, here are the appropriate links if you are interested:

• My Donation Page
• My Twitch Account
• The GBCER Announcement Thread

Day #1 Plans: Weird Obscure Japanese Games (i.e., Eastern Mind+1)

Date/Time: April 28th, 2023 - 6:00 p.m. to 12:00 p.m. (PDT)

Did you know the creator of LSD and Eastern Mind: The Lost Souls of Tong Nou, Osamu Sato, retweeted my blog about both games and possibly read excerpts? Don't believe me? Well, I have receipts!

Thanks to Sato retweeting my blog, it briefly went viral and even attracted attention on the very Creepypasta and Fandom sites that inspired me to write that post in the first place. Weird how life works out like that sometimes! Nonetheless, I want to use the most popular subject I have written about on the site this year to be a part of my GBCER plans, and as a result, it will be how I start things this year. If you have no idea what the game looks like in motion, I strongly recommend you carve out some time during your Friday to tune in and bask in Sato's insanity. I will warn that some of my screencaps might have been slightly generous regarding the game's graphical fidelity, and I likely didn't spend enough time talking about how clunky it is to play. However, even if I spend most of my time struggling with the controls and trying to figure out what I need to do in it, there will always be weird and wacky visuals to keep you and me interested and motivated to keep going. Trust me, of my three days; this stream might be the one to check out if you want the most "bang for your buck," especially for those that want a better idea of how I think and take notes before writing blogs about games on this site.

Donation Incentive: (Can Take Place During Day #2) If I Reach $1,000, There's A BONUS GAME: Gadget - Invention, Travel, And Adventure

I said the theme for my first day of the GBCER was to play weird Japanese adventure games, and by golly, that's what I'm going to do! Gadget: Invention, Travel & Adventure is almost as weird as Eastern Mind and equally obscure. It's a game made in the same style as Myst, using pre-rendered 3D backgrounds that you navigate by moving left, right, forward, or backward. It's less of a video game and more of an animated movie, with its gameplay as barebones as a Mages/5pb visual novel. However, don't let that convince you it isn't one of the weirdest things ever made! Because its director, Haruhiko Shono, did not need to worry about building a text parser or adventure game engine, he spent all of his game's budget on the most insane early 90s pre-rendered cinematics. It's a true sight to see! I'm worried this donation incentive might not happen, which would be a MASSIVE BUMMER because I would desperately like to play it for everyone to see and enjoy.

Day #2 Plans: Final Fantasy V Four Job Fiesta

Date/Time: April 29th, 2023 - 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. (PDT)

What would a GBCER be without me playing a Final Fantasy game for charity? For this year's marquee event, I will be joining @thatpinguino, @arbitrarywater, and @personz in a simultaneous Four Job Fiesta for Final Fantasy V! Now, if you are asking yourself, "Wait, what's a Four Job Fiesta?" then I'll ask you the question "Do you like to impose limitations on yourself while playing good games to have 'more fun?'" Have you done a Nuzlock Challenge or watched someone attempt one? So, here's the deal. Final Fantasy V is well-loved by Final Fantasy fans for having a dynamic and robust job system that allows you to play around with an inordinate number of options to make every playthrough unique and engaging. What if you got rid of that and instead forced yourself to stick with four jobs throughout an entire playthrough? Four points in the game bestow you and your party with a set of new jobs. When attempting a Four Job Fiesta, you roll the dice and stick with only one of the jobs at that point. You only get new jobs once you reach a different point in the game, but once you reach the game's second phase, your selections are set in stone.

Usually, a Four Job Fiesta requires a great deal of research. It is recommended that you prepare strategies and try all the jobs in the game at least once before developing favorites or banking on specific techniques. Likewise, understanding exploits associated with some jobs is essential to avoid having a bad time. Did I prepare for this event in any way, shape, or form? NOPE! I have never claimed to be a professional; I am, at best, a fraudulent entertainer. I know thatpinguino, being the highly competitive person they are, practiced multiple playthroughs and has memorized the floorplans of each dungeon like the true alpha nerd they are in their heart. For me, I plan to make a complete mockery of the event and will take it as seriously as I take my bowel movements. Case in point: we have someone playing the PS1 Port, another playing the Pixel Remaster port, and someone even playing the GBA version. I, on the other hand, will be playing the Android/iOS port that looks like complete dogshit! Why? Because it's fucking funny! Do you want to see me ramble while getting lost in dungeons and being stuck with the worst job classes in the game? BOY, DO I HAVE AN EVENT FOR YOU!

Donation Incentive: ZombiePie's Head Bonking Chocolate Review System™ - How do you judge the cocoa content of chocolate? If you're like most, you rely on the label on the wrapper, but I've never trusted those percentages. Industry-led standards only exist to screw over consumers! Therefore, I have my system of assessing if a bar of chocolate is of poor to elite quality: I remove the bar from the wrapper and then bonk it on my head. If the bar shows significant bend marks or scuffs after only three to four taps, then you know the manufacturer put way too much sugar or milk in their product. However, if the bar retains its shape and does not warp, you know it's made from "the good shit." I want to make it clear that this is not a joke. I genuinely do this, and before you discount it, I plan to put my belief system on the line! For every $250 I raise, I will take one of eight chocolate bars I had my sister seal into unmarked paper envelopes and bang it on my head and will have to guess if it is milk or dark chocolate. And if it is dark chocolate, I must guess the cocoa percentage. I feel less good about the latter of these two tasks, but I am all but sure I will nail the first part with at least 80% accuracy.

Day #3 Plans: Quest For The Worst Adventure Game (Gothos+1)

Date/Time: April 30th, 2023 - 1:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. (???) (PDT)

We round things off with a vapid, abysmal, ugly-ass video game. Hey, it's for the kids! Gothos can be best described as an FMV adventure game that looks like a high school stage production with some of the worst costume and set designs you will ever see in a commercially released video game. However, the "best" part has to be the game's FMV acting, which is so bad the game has been frequently called a "hate-play" experience for anyone that loves bad FMV adventure games. I have never played Gothos, but it has been on my "Must Play" list for some time now, and this seemed like an excellent opportunity to give it a whirl! I know blind playthroughs of adventure games can be a bit dicey, but I feel good about my ability to navigate the expected monkey wrenches that FMV adventure games tend to throw at you. After all, I have played a handful of genuinely terrible adventure games for your entertainment. Also, look at this guy trying to be a vampire!

Donation Incentive: (Can Take Place During Day #2) If I Reach $2,000, There's A BONUS GAME: Spaceship Warlock

Remember when Vinny played Total Distortion, and everyone loved that game's irreverent goofiness? What if I told you if I reached my donation goal before the end of the GBCER, I would force myself to play the first game the team behind Total Distortion made, Spaceship Warlock? Spaceship Warlock is not as riveting or wild as Total Distortion, but few things in this world are. Nonetheless, Spaceship Warlock has its moments, and you can see that many of its design lessons went on to inform large swaths of Total Distortion. Likewise, despite its short length and sometimes basic game design, Spaceship Warlock is a bizarre game worth a casual examination. If you love the "You Are Dead!" song from Total Distortion, wait until you see what the opening for Spaceship Warlock is!

And with that, you now know what I will do for three days for the GBCER! one more time, here are the links for anyone interested in supporting my efforts during the event or the actions of my fellow participants.

• My Donation Page
• My Twitch Account
• The GBCER Announcement Thread

If you enjoy this blog and would like to read my other adventure game retrospectives, here's a list of my previous episodes of this series:

• Episode 1: The Dig
• Episode 2: Atlantis: The Lost Tales
• Episode 3: Loom
• Episode 4: Drowned God
• Episode 5a: Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis Part 1 & Episode 5b: Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis - Part 2
• Episode 6: The Journeyman Project: Pegasus Prime
• Episode 7a: The Journeyman Project 2: Buried in Time (Part 1)& Episode 7b: The Journeyman Project 2: Buried in Time (Part 2)
• Episode 8a: The Journeyman Project 3: Legacy of Time (Part 1) & Episode 8B: The Journeyman Project 3: Legacy of Time (Part 2)
• Episode 9a: The Legend of Kyrandia: Book One [Part 1] & Episode 9b: The Legend of Kyrandia: Book One [Part 2]
• Episode 10: D (The Game)
• Episode 11a: The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate [Part 1]& Episode 11b: The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate [Part 2]
• Episode 12a: The Legend of Kyrandia - Book Three: Malcolm's Revenge [Part 1] & Episode 12b: The Legend of Kyrandia - Book Three: Malcolm's Revenge [Part 2]
• Episode 13: Inherit the Earth: Quest for the Orb

Why Are You Playing MTV's Club Dead? (i.e., Blame Sparky_Buzzsaw)

Let's take things back to a year ago when I raised money for the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run in 2022. During the first day of my streams, I announced that I was taking commission ideas for future entries of my "Quest For The Worst Adventure Game" series on Giant Bomb. Almost immediately, the five slots I set at a measly $35 each got snatched up, and one of those donors was Sparky_Buzzsaw, who pounced on the opportunity to make my life miserable. He spent a whopping $50 on my donation page and demanded to see me cover the multimedia epic MTV's Club Dead. I have accomplished most of my donation goals in the past year, even if that does not seem to be the case. Though I have yet to cover Shanarra or The Longest Journey, I was able to conduct video playthroughs of both on my Twitch and YouTube accounts. Sparky, however, has been incredibly patient as I have yet to play MTV Club Dead or even pen an essay on it. Well, that changes today! After a year of tinkering with the game and struggling to think of a way to cover it, I'm finally doing it! As of the publishing of this blog, I have started raising money for the 2023 edition of the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run, and you can feel free to donate whatever you can spare to help me raise money for charity.

MTV Club Dead was an absolute chore to play in the year of our Lord, 2023. As I discussed in my first "Blogging about Failure" post at the end of 2022, I suspect the game is running Quicktime to play some of its cutscenes and is doing so in the form of a separate executable that runs interlaced with the base game. As a result, bootstrapping it to DOSBox is more complex than you'd expect, but at least it's not a Windows 3.1x game. And for those of you wondering if I ever streamed the game, I didn't because I don't want to pick a fight with Paramount, formally known as Viacom. There are FMV cutscenes that use licensed music, and as its title suggests, it uses some parts of the MTV label in it, which I suspect is part of why it has become abandonware. It's a shame, given how bonkers wild this game ends up being. With Total Distortion and Virtual Nightclub also in copyright limbo, there aren't any good alternatives you can go out and play legally that scratch the same itch as MTV Club Dead. I guess you had to "be there" when multimedia FMV games were all the rage, and some people genuinely thought they would become the future of the video game industry.

What The Hell Is MTV Club Dead?

Club Dead comes from the oft-forgotten game developer Viacom New Media. While many of you might be familiar with the name "Viacom," this specific label and its presence in the games industry might not ring some bells. Viacom New Media was a new endeavor by Sumner Redstone and Frank Biondi to expand Viacom/Paramount into video games. This studio or shell company started when Redstone invested gobs of money into Midway Games, but before he bought a controlling interest in the then pinball and arcade game-making behemoth. Most of you know Viacom New Media as being the studio that made a ton, and I mean A TON, of terrible and questionable Beavis and Butt-Head and Nickelodeon-themed video games. However, they were also the mad minds behind the of the era action-puzzle game, Zoop. Regardless, the most crucial fact about Viacom New Media is that the lion's share of its employees were carryovers from ICOM Simulations, which Viacom bought and merged with Viacom New Media. These people made the DOS and NES Shadowgate games, which some of you fondly remember. Still, I remember them as the people who made the FMV Dracula Unleashed and Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective adventure games. As a result, it shouldn't come as a massive surprise when Redstone asked his pet project to explore making a new video game that used the MTV IP that they defaulted to making an adventure game. Shocker, the studio that knew how to make FMV adventure games made an FMV adventure game!

In the purest sense, MTV Club Dead is a Myst clone. Much like Myst, it uses a handful of pre-rendered backgrounds interspliced with real FMV actors. Like Myst, Club Dead relies on you triggering events through scripted interactions with other characters, objects, and environmental puzzles. UNLIKE Myst, Club Dead places a MASSIVE gameplay investment in inventory management. It even takes a note from Night Trap, wherein you must fan through menus and hop back and forth between multiple screens and devices to watch critical cutscenes that provide clues for future puzzles. More often than not, the most common trigger involves the game checking to see if you have the correct inventory item in your character's hands when you enter a new environment or level because the actor for the protagonist often dons these items or articles of clothing in accompanying cinematics. As you will see with several of my "puzzle" reviews, I was not a fan of how this game played, even if I adored its sheer insanity and the absolute commitment of its actors to their unique bits. The game also has a weird time element wherein the events take place across four in-game days, and each of those days breaks down into chunks measured in hours and minutes. The time skips are all over the place, and if you ask me, the date and time are only worth referring to if you get stuck and wish to follow a guide.

So, the FMV in this game is incredible. Even when I felt like the gameplay was starting to let me down, the game would hit me with a cinematic with a bunch of oddly dressed FMV actors selling their lines as if their life depended on it. Likewise, the cheapness of the game's production values warmed my soul. For example, a man is introduced as an alien but acts like a Roman Senator from the time of Julius Caesar, even though his outfit only involves a basic all-black tunic. One of the female characters is the game's best attempt at having a Laura Palmer stand-in, which allows her to engage in Lynchian oddball dialogue. Then there are the background borders and visual additions that pop out of nowhere but help the game to embody the 90s perfectly. This game is a time capsule. The story is relatively basic outside of its ridiculous and zany twists and turns. Your character is attending a hip hotel when they wake up after a bender only to discover a murdered body next to them. They then need to spend the next four days proving their innocence. Otherwise, they will be sent to a dystopian cyberpunk jail. Oh, and did I mention that this game is Post-Apocalytic AND Cyberpunk? It's honestly the most 90s video game ever made! Like most multimedia works, MTV Club Dead tops out on a good day at two to three hours. Correspondingly, once you've seen everything the game has to show you, there's virtually no replay value. BUT HOT DAMN if its initial ride is something you will never see or experience anywhere else.

Full disclosure, I will have to do things slightly differently from my standard format for these blogs because Club Dead isn't exactly your typical adventure game. As I said, the game primarily consists of you watching a series of music videos and FMV cutscenes in the correct order to progress the story. The story takes place across a continuum of four days, and each has a predetermined number of hours and minutes for you to explore the necessary cutscenes and complete the expected tasks on those given days. There's no rhyme or reason to how many minutes or hours you have at your disposal, and plenty of time skips move you along the story while you watch new wild and wacky cutscenes. To make things easier for you and me, I will bundle the game into groups of two to three-hour chunks. I'll also do my best to summarize the insanity of those videos, but I strongly recommend you find what few video walkthroughs of the game that exist on the internet there are. Again, despite playing the game to completion, I am not one of them because I don't want a copyright strike against my Twitch and YouTube accounts. Viacom might be dead, and MTV is a rotting husk of the empire it once was, but lawyers will pounce on the first scent of blood they smell on YouTube these days.

October 29th

Puzzles From 12:05 pm to 1:55 pm - [Rating: 2/10] - The first two in-game hours boil down to you watching required cutscenes and flipping between your emails, voicemail, Personal Data Assistant (i.e., PDA), Electronic Access Guide (i.e., EGA), inventory, and the in-game world. Does that found fiddly? OH, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF IT! After finishing the introductory cutscene, there are two messages in the inbox to listen to and explorable explanations for the belongings already in your inventory. I also recommend reviewing the categories in the EGA and PDA and clicking any options with audio clips. Beyond that, you can enter the elevator, and as is apt for a game from this era, there's a particular order of floors and rooms the game wants you to explore, but the clues on what that order may be are barely present. In this case, start with floor fifteen, which happens to be the "Body Station." Upon entering, you have another forced cinematic followed by a message in your inbox you need to review. More annoying, there's a story-required audio clip you need to listen to, but the game forces you to use its awful interface to "download" it as if its video player is a real OS. Then you need to go to floor eight to enter your hotel room and listen to orders to go to floor seventeen, but only after you download ANOTHER audio file to your PDA! This audio recording leads to the game's first "true" puzzle, wherein you need to click and drag a drawing and apply it to an empty slot in your inventory. Riveting stuff, I tell you! Then, you can enter the Tiki Tech Saloon on floor seventeen!

Did you catch that I'm not the biggest fan of how this plays? Indeed, the madness experienced with the FMV cutscenes is partially worth the entry price, but flipping between the six to seven interface dongles to click on buttons is never a good time. Just take a gander at the few screenshots I have provided already and ask yourself if this looks like a good time! Regardless, with the start of the game amounting to nothing more than you playing around with buttons and a weird obtuse fake operating system, I can't be bothered to rank the game's opening salvo any higher than a two.

Weirdest Video: It has to be the opening cinematic. Your encounter with the detective/security guard is a close second considering the actor playing the guard is making their best Ace Venture impression, and it's about as AMAZING as you'd expect. However, in the opening cinematic, your player character wakes up in a dingy bathroom with his head partially submerged in a toilet, only to realize there's a dead body right next to them. As they get their bearings straight, you watch them pull their belongings out of a toilet filled with green goo. Also, every dramatic shot or story moment has a filter or outline that looks like everything is surrounded by pocket protector stickers or the Solo Jazz cup design. In a later scene, a security guard steps on your hand, and the background has a rainbow filter around the boot because that's totally tubular, dude! Then, MTV Club Dead's version of Max Headroom welcomes you to the hotel and gives you a rundown of your current situation. Yup, there's a Max Headroom rip-off in this video game!

Puzzles From 2:30 pm to 4:10 pm - [Rating: 6/10] - The minute you enter the Tiki Tech Saloon, you have another forced cinematic that goes on north of sixty seconds. Again, the game needs you to download another file to your PDA, but this time it's recommended you take note of the audio AND image attached. The image unlocks the "Chipman Interface" as if this game didn't need another fiddly bit for you to worry about already! Play the chip using your new doodad and then make a beeline to floor fourteen, which happens to be the medical center. As before, you end up in a required cutscene and need to download a PDA file, listen to a recording, and examine an image. However, when you attempt to exit the medical center, things get "spicy." You run into a random man in the medical center who is curiously sniffing empty pill bottles. He claims to be the doctor, but you quickly out him as a fraud, to which he responds by running away. The game has another video, a message in your inbox to review, and files to download. The game needs you to find the hotel lobby after you drag an autopsy report into your inventory. You'll notice in the lobby that people speak different languages or dialects that seem indecipherable. That's because THEY'RE ALIENS!

Nonetheless, around this point, the game finally realizes it's an adventure game. It recognizes it should make things more involved than having you listen to people talk at you for minutes upon end. So, while in the lobby, you need to apply a transductor to your character's hands and then have your character use a device called a "Tele-FX" to their right. This action provides a new cache of files, and you need to comb through them to find appropriate clues that might prove your character's innocence. However, you also need to send the autopsy report using the Tele-FX by moving the report to your main inventory slots, moving it into your hands, and then applying it to the device. You must do this whenever you need to use an item. To add insult to injury, you end up with more inbox messages after sending the report, which you must comb over to know that you next need to dart away to floor twelve. Every time I had to download files, locate attachments in files, move attached images to inventory slots to transform them into items, move items into my character's hands, and then move things back into my inventory slots, a small part of me died. It's one of the worst inventory management systems I have ever seen in an adventure game. But MAN, is the FMV acting in this game SOMETHING! I almost want to say it forgives the rest of this game's problems, but I can't, as the worst is yet to come.

Weirdest Video: It's a tie between the bathroom cutscene wherein you spy on a conversation between two characters and your two cinematics in the medical center. There are some colorful characters among the possible suspects associated with the murder, and the two you overhear in the bathroom are absolute highlights. Both of them are impeccably dressed, and the female of the two reveals she is related to the hotel owner in true rich chick fashion. When they part, instead of kissing each other on the lips, they kiss their index fingers and place them together as a sign of their undying loyalty. Oh, and how could I forget about the scene with the "doctor" who is obviously in the medical center to steal drugs and acts the role to a T? And it appears that some people in the morgue are mutated human corpses, but the story never resolves that point.

Puzzles From 5:15 pm to 7:45 pm - [Rating: 3/10] - Alright, I'm not going through the motions of which order to read the inbox messages or PDA files as I did previously because I have a sneaking suspicion it's starting to get old. It turns out the first person you met in the medical room wasn't a doctor but a drug addict that enjoys sneaking into his office to nab pills. After you meet the real doctor, your character gets a creepy message from a bald floating head that threatens him with a strict prison sentence if he doesn't figure out who the murderer is in three days. From here, you need to go to the Body Station on the fifteenth floor and trigger a message in your PDA that unlocks the translator. This action allows you to return to the Tiki Bar on the seventeenth floor to initiate a new cutscene. When you pick up some "Vector Goggles" from the medical lab, your character automatically fixes them when you exit. The messages tell you the name of the rooms but not the floor number, which drove me up the wall. Also, while the game automatically repairs the vector goggles, it only does so if they are in your character's hands when you exit the doctor's office. If you forget, you must return to the office, place the goggles in your hands, and try leaving the office again.

Weirdest Video: It's the message from the talking floating head. It's undoubtedly a "choice" that some of the most crucial story moments happen on your PDA, which looks like a Tamagotchi device, but this one is worth it. In between their threats are brief video clips of people who painfully look like random developers, pretending to be miserable prisoners in a sci-fi jail. Their tattered shirts and ripped blue jeans wouldn't even pass off as a discount zombie outfit in your local Spirit Halloween store. It simply gets a chef's kiss from me. The cutscene with the "real" doctor is a close second place as he rapidly spouts medical jargon like an android and even mutters about things like a David Lynch character. And when he conducts a brain scan on the protagonist, the screen fills with trippy visuals as if you are on acid.

Puzzles: From 8:05 pm to 11:25 pm - [Rating: 4/10] - It is time to return to the hotel lobby with the repaired goggles. After viewing another batch of videos and audio recordings, you learn that there's a party coming up, and your character's presence is desired. You find the party's host in a plastic tube getting high off space drugs, and they provide a hint about how to prove your innocence before you watch a montage of scantily clad women dancing to some of the most 90s techno music imaginable. This interaction sends you to Richie 7 on floor three, and the trick is to remember to put the goggles in your hands before you exit the elevator. Otherwise, the following video and story sequence will not trigger! However, you find Richie 7 dead, and this forces you to seek the advice of Lana Powers. She's hosting a mixer and promises to talk to you privately in the tiki bar in the future.

Weirdest Video: Seeing a random actor pretend to trip balls in a plastic tube is funny, but Lana Powers takes the cake. She looks like Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks, and whenever she talks, there's a Lynchian affectation to her voice that seems unmistakable. She claims to have special powers, pun intended, and asks the protagonist to return at midnight. To return to the weirdo in the vape tube, I think the game is trying to be "sexy" with the scantily clad women in the scene, but their Cling Wrap-like clothing looks so cheap and uncomfortable that I honestly couldn't help but feel bad for the people playing the Cyberpunk go-go dancers. Also, the person in the vape tube looks like and even does a Hunter S. Thompson impersonation with their mannerisms fairly on point. To continue the game's Twin Peaks themes, when you return to the elevator, you watch a nightmare sequence wherein the girl who claimed to be the hotel owner's daughter taunts you after injecting you with space drugs.

October 30th

Puzzles From 1:10 am to 10:35 am - [Rating: 6/10] - It's a new day, but the game still plays the same! You have more wild and wacky videos to watch using your PDA and must find the hotel's "Central Control" on its first floor. This part of the game leads to another forced cutscene that requires you to go to floor sixteen. This room turns out to be the surveillance room where the policeman from earlier resides with other underlings. He attempts to interrogate the protagonist by brandishing his favorite torture device, "Mr. Sparky." His underlings let slip a few details they likely did not want your character to know. After this interaction, you return to the lobby and find out you must fiddle with the Tele-FX again. This time, place the translator in your hand, use the Tele-FX, and have a conversation you previously couldn't. This action nets you a new PDA file you will need to use in the medical lab. When you get a new PDA file after going there, you must take note of an image showing Richie's hand, as there's a number on it you need to use to unlock the door to his room. It took me forever to realize this, and even when I did, I had to look up the answer because time has not been kind to this game, and the numbers were much too blurry on my monitor.

Weirdest Video: I didn't give props to the security guard/detective before, but I will give them to him here. The actor in this role was 100% committed to the gimmick, and the results are incredible. His favorite torture device is "Mr. Sparky," and the joke here is EXACTLY what you think it is! The recurring storyline of him being one step behind the protagonist reeks of the Sherrif of Nottingham, but who's judging when you have eyeliner this great? The music accompanying his scenes never matches the tone, and I like it that way. It's another classic example of someone acting professionally in a video game by over-delivering on every line they were given. These performances make Vinny Caravella's FMV adventure game video series so much fun to watch, and the same sentiment applies here. If you love Tim Curry as Dr. Frankenstein in Frankenstein: Through the Eyes of the Monster, you must find a way to play this game!

Puzzles From 11:10 am to 1:55 pm - [Rating: 6/10] - Use your PDA to materialize Nikki's anklet. Once you do so, put it in your character's hands and move to the Tiki Bar. The PDA file you get after this cinematic nets a tiki idol you must immediately move into your character's hands. This object necessitates you use the Tele-FX in the lobby again, and the steps are the same as before. When you complete the necessary steps, a new PDA file rewards you with a photo. After reviewing the picture and watching another cutscene, move to the first floor, followed by the eleventh floor. The eleventh floor is a nursery for adults FROM HELL! After you finish talking to demonic Teletubbies, WHICH WE WILL TALK ABOUT SHORTLY, move the translator into your hands before exiting the room, or else you will be unable to trigger the next cutscene and story sequence. I haven't discussed this point enough. Every time you exit a room or elevator, the game checks to see if the correct item or device is in your character's hands, and if you forget this, then you need to restart the game's check by re-entering the room and leaving it once more but with the correct item in tow. If an elevator is involved, you must return it to a floor on the hotel unconnected to an upcoming story cinematic, exit it, place the correct item in your hand, re-enter the elevator, select the proper floor again, and leave once more.

Weirdest Video: The video seen in The Pods is a parody of the Teletubbies, and this being a dystopian cyberpunk game, plays out as expected. For those who watch professional wrestling, the best way to describe it is that it is very similar in spirit to Bray Wyatt's Firefly Fun House skits. Things start innocently enough, but the minute your character starts posing some pointed questions at the people in the room, they reveal themselves as demons or humanoid mutants. Honestly, the game is incredibly unclear as to which of the two is the case, but the result is the same, when you enter The Pods, you need to find a way to break the saccharine and cheery atmosphere of its facade to get a clue or hint on what you need to do next. The first time it happens is a true delight, and there are even fun gimmicks when you need to visit The Pods a third and fourth time. It's balls-to-the-wall insanity but in a good way.

Puzzles From 2:30 pm to 4:50 pm - [Rating: 7/10] - So, there's a clue to an upcoming puzzle in the PDA video to watch after you're done with the evil Teletubbies I need to put on blast. During this video, you need to notice a character you have briefly seen before and note the symbols on their head. I'm not joking. You have to observe and take notes of shit on a person's skull using grainy found footage. Sam Barlow, eat your heart out because this game one-ups Immortality! After you jot down shit from a random person's cranium, remove the translator from your hands before moving to floor eight to re-enter the protagonist's hotel room. When you finish your business there, locate the PDA file with a drawing and materialize it into your inventory. Right, so the PDA can also defy the laws of physics and materialize items when you click on words representing those objects! I should have mentioned that earlier.

It's now time to check out the hotel's twelfth floor, named the "Fantasy Room." It's not as exciting as it sounds because it is time for the second time you need to fiddle around with the chip matrix! Again, this separate interface allows you to watch videos and recordings. Still, for these, you need to migrate a computer chip into an entirely different inventory slot from your main one. After that is settled, make a beeline for the Tiki Bar to watch a drunk patron chug your character's beverage and announce, "P-O-D-D; it's poddy time!" The guy even loudly gurgles the drink as if it is Listerine. The real highlight involves the protagonist having a drink with Lana Powers, which I will discuss shortly. The short quote by the drunk patron is your cue to consider returning to The Pod Room, but before you do that, return to the room with the police officer to learn a woman is hanging out in your hotel room. As weird as that sounds, it's time for the game to give you some much-needed "firepower!" That's right; the following PDA file gives you a laser gun! Finally, enter The Pods, and before entirely exiting, move Nikki's anklet into your character's hands.

Weirdest Video: It has to be the Tiki Bar scene with the drunk guy and Lana Powers. I was also a fan of the scene in the surveillance room as, upon finding out there's a random person there, you get to enjoy a twenty-second bit wherein a female starts reciting Lewis Carroll and Alice in Wonderland quotes. The payoff is that when the protagonist asks the only security guard in the room to investigate, they fob it off and say, "Eh, this kind of stuff happens all the time." This point makes the whole premise of the game, that being the leaders of the hotel are PISSED someone possibly got murdered in your room, all the more hilarious. But HOT DAMN, does the scene with Lana Powers embody 1990s Americana in its most potent concentration. While these two characters attempt to work out and process the death of Richie 7, the direction has 90s trapper keeper icons and graphics interject on the screen while their dialogue is happening. For example, when Lana provides hints about who to interrogate next, the game shows low-res images of animating swaying coconut palms that look like something you would find in Geocities. And all of this is happening while Lana is trying to hit on the main character. HILARIOUSLY, they don't see these flirtatious signals because this scene involving two characters describing a gruesome autopsy is meant to be comedic. This video game is an emotional rollercoaster.

Puzzles From 5:25 pm to 7:10 pm - [Rating: 9/10] - In a moment that drove me entirely up the wall, your character automatically hands over Nikki's anklet. Why the game has the foresight to burn an inventory item without any fussy exploratory nonsense here, but at no other part in the game makes me batty just thinking about it! After a quick one-on-one interaction and consulting a PDA file, you learn your next target involves the medical center. Upon entering, you find an alien interacting with the drug addict as the addict hands over a CD, which I should note all are just humans in different-looking clothing and have no makeup. They knock out the drug addict, and you steal their cybernetic eyeball. Once that's done, checking another PDA file should net you clip-on earrings that reveal themselves as belonging to Lana Powers. The next video has an INCREDIBLY frustrating trigger that I needed to look up using a guide. Instead of having you deliver the earrings to Lana Powers, the game requires you to go to the hotel lobby and approach the front desk. After watching the video here, it's time to apply the video from the eyeball into the Chipman Interface, and the steps are the same as before. Still, it would help if you also visited the Body Station, considering you are dealing with a human body part.

When your business in the Body Room is resolved, look at a new PDA file and locate a new message in your inventory. Before moving even one step further, move the eyeball into your character's hands, head down to the hotel lobby, and use the eye with the Tele-FX. You'll get another PDA but keep the eyeball active as you head to the room where you can find the police officers. While the eyeball breaks, the female officer offers to tinker with it to see if they can salvage any information, including a video implicating the Roman-styled humanoid aliens with criminal activities. This entire sequence is a colossal pain in the ass due to the game not following its rules and requiring new ways to trigger its events and story. For example, the previous two times when you used the Tele-FX, upon getting a transcript or chip, that was usually your cue that the item you used on the Tele-FX was no longer needed. However, in this case, you still need to carry the eyeball to complete an entirely different story cutscene.

Weirdest Video: Holy shit! It's the scene in the medical center wherein Jackson Standard, and yes, the names in this game are INCREDIBLE, gets punched by the Roman alien and his goon. His cybernetic eye gets knocked out, and the gaping hole in his socket spouts television static. Your character picks the eye up and, rather than hand it over immediately, turns it on so it plays the previous conversation Standard had with the alien. This video converts into a written document, and then your character PUTS THE EYE IN HIS INVENTORY! AND THE GAME DOES NOT CARE! YOU JUST UP AND STEAL THIS GUY'S EYE WHILE HE SCREAMS IN THE BACKGROUND IN AGONY! WHAT A DICK MOVE! Also, the game interjects with some montage backgrounds while you watch him writhe in pain which is incredibly creepy and evokes body horror themes like Tetsuo: The Iron Man, and I don't know if that was the full intent of the game's directors. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the protagonist breaks the eyeball when presenting it as evidence to the police officers in the surveillance room. You really do screw that guy over.

Puzzles From 7:55 pm to 11:10 pm - [Rating: 4/10] - After talking with the female police officer, your hands should be empty. Fill it with the laser gun, and when you board the elevator and attempt to head to the lobby, you should experience an AMAZING cutscene in the shuttle dock on the ground floor. You try to force information from the two Roman-looking gentlemen, but the larger one isn't having any of it. Despite being a total dick for the entire game, the Ace Ventura wannabe security guard comes to your rescue when the bodyguard for the Roman centurion-looking alien starts to beat up your character. He uses his taser and reveals that they got the eyeball working and want to take in the aliens for questioning. When this scene ends, you then review a treasure trove of messages and PDA files. Eventually, you'll need to migrate to the eleventh floor (i.e., The Pods). What remains is essentially a wrap-up for October 30th. The proper sequence is to explore the Fantasy Room and then the eighth floor after The Pods, but I have seen some reference sheets and guides say this is entirely unnecessary. Either way, this sequence is all about that glorious cutscene with the security guard, and the amount of fiddly inventory management is at an all-time low.

Weirdest Video: I love the security guard. After being an absolute pest and annoyance, he pulls through. When your protagonist attempts to confront the Roman-styled aliens about what they know about the mysterious murders or suicides, the rotund bodyguard does what all rotund bodyguards tend to do in movies and television shows of this era; they use their girth to push the protagonist away until they start clobbering them over the head. Even when your main character attempts to use the laser gun, the soldier manages to grab it out of their hand, but luckily that security guard is ready to shock the shit out of the Roman soldier with Mr. Sparky! When they spring their attack, they start spouting at the protagonist as if they are familiar allies that have been on a quest together for untold ages. They then escort the remaining alien to the police station holding the taser, which looks like a third-place middle school soccer trophy, and act as if they are carrying weapons of mass destruction. This allows you to pilfer the incapacitated bodyguard, which the security guard does not seem to mind.

If Giant Bomb were ever to give me any money, my first objective would be to complete Final Fantasy VIII for the viewing pleasure of Dan and Jan, and the second task would be an attempt to track down the actors in this game. At the very least, I need to know what happened to the person who played the security guard, Lewis Scudder. He has a hyperactive inflection, and while I have made references that their performance reminds me of Ace Ventura, it's possible they were convinced they were doing something completely new and novel. I don't know if they are a method actor, but the absolute commitment to their material makes me think they might be. For now, let's do a cursory glance at IMDB!

If you enjoy this blog and would like to read my other adventure game retrospectives, here's a list of my previous episodes of this series:

• Episode 1: The Dig
• Episode 2: Atlantis: The Lost Tales
• Episode 3: Loom
• Episode 4: Drowned God
• Episode 5a: Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis Part 1 & Episode 5b: Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis - Part 2
• Episode 6: The Journeyman Project: Pegasus Prime
• Episode 7a: The Journeyman Project 2: Buried in Time (Part 1)& Episode 7b: The Journeyman Project 2: Buried in Time (Part 2)
• Episode 8a: The Journeyman Project 3: Legacy of Time (Part 1) & Episode 8B: The Journeyman Project 3: Legacy of Time (Part 2)
• Episode 9a: The Legend of Kyrandia: Book One [Part 1] & Episode 9b: The Legend of Kyrandia: Book One [Part 2]
• Episode 10: D (The Game)
• Episode 11a: The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate [Part 1] & Episode 11b: The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate [Part 2]
• Episode 12a: The Legend of Kyrandia - Book Three: Malcolm's Revenge [Part 1] & Episode 12b: The Legend of Kyrandia - Book Three: Malcolm's Revenge [Part 2]

Preamble

It's been a while since I last thoroughly reviewed an adventure game, and with this edition, it's hard not to imagine this netting the lowest ratings or viewership of a blog I have ever published. Inherit the Earth: Quest for the Orb isn't exactly a name that comes to mind when people think about the "Golden Age" of adventure games, and the game's developer, The Dreamers Guild, is a primarily forgotten label thanks to its short lifespan as a company. This outcome is unfortunate because that supposed "Golden Age" was a time of genre experimentation that featured a vast diversity of art styles and narrative themes. The Dreamers Guild embodies that perfectly, and they stand as one of the most interesting developers you've never heard of before. They had a reputation for making games with an almost painterly look, primarily thanks to the company's lead artist, Bradley W. Schenck. Schenck got his start in the games industry fairly unorthodoxly, making a name for himself in the Amiga demoscene after working in the tabletop war game field. When that wasn't paying the bills, and he wanted a break from software development, he started making custom Celtic harps for orchestras and harp enthusiasts. Related to the latter of those two points, he was also a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism, a living history group of reenactors focusing on Medieval European cultures.

The Dreamers Guild emphasized its art first and foremost; the second bullet point on its company manifest was its well-publicized creative process. Its president, Wolf McNally, maintained an "open, consensus-driven" business model. Some former employees claimed the company would go so far as to hold democratic elections and votes to determine which contracts and projects it would commit to or fund. The studio of approximately 90 to 100 employees was essentially an anarcho-capitalist commune even before modern indie developers made that hip or cool. While today we live in the era of self-publishing with online platforms like itch.io allowing anything to get a place to shine, The Dreamers Guild somewhat tried that in the heady 1990s while, AGAIN, attempting to employ up to 100 people. As such, the studio lasted about eight to nine years before filing for bankruptcy. You see, while we like to moan about corporate types and lawyers impugning the creativity of designers or artists in all media, they are a necessary evil for creative works to exist in a capitalist system. More importantly, The Dreamers Guild's track record for identifying possible audiences and the market for their games was an abject trainwreck. They made a moderate amount of money working with David Mullich to provide art and additional programming for "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream," and the 1996 Dinotopia adventure game was their biggest money maker, but that might be thanks to Scholastic repping the game HARD in their book-ordering catalogs. However, Inherit the Earth was a complete flop, and their last game, Faery Tale Adventure II: Halls of the Dead, was rushed to store shelves in a desperate but failed attempt to keep the lights on.

I feel safe saying that Inherit the Earth: Quest for the Orb would have done remarkably better had it been released today than in 1994. Despite using anthropomorphic animals as its cast, the game is set in a Post-Apocalyptic Earth wherein all of humanity has gone extinct for reasons never explicitly stated in the game, which is one of the MANY signs of the game having an identity crisis. The idea of talking animals reverting to a form of government similar to the High Middle Ages is interesting. Still, the way the story goes about tying its high fantasy themes with its Post-Apocalyptic ones is best described as clumsy, and the game's final act barely delivers on any of the questions it presents at its start. The game is neither a family-friendly light adventure game for those that enjoyed Disney's Robin Hood nor is it explicitly for the furry crowd wanting to see a game with darker themes on the impacts of modern human civilization on the environment. SPEAKING OF WHICH, this game is a bit of a cult classic with the furry community today, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it's obvious the team behind Inherit The Earth never had that in mind at any point, even in their periphery. The Dreamers Guild wanted to make a Middle Ages game that was ALSO a Post-Apocalyptic game, and for whatever reason, decided to make the main characters anthropomorphic animals.

Finally, Inherit the Earth was not intended to be a standalone title. Many people who worked on the game have claimed that it was planned to be the first part of a trilogy. I will not spoil the exact details, but the game ends with "To be continued" as credits roll after the game drops a last-minute cliffhanger. With this being a title from 1994, you'd probably expect me to say there's no hope of any closure with the game and its characters, but we live in a strange world, and this is a peculiar game. In 2000, a former employee of The Dreamers Guild, Joe Pearce, started Wyrmkeep Entertainment and used it to purchase the rights to many of the former's original in-house titles. Pearce also provided the game's source code to ScummVM in 2004 and started porting the DOS version of the game to modern platforms, devices, and operating systems. Upon noticing a resurgence in the game's popularity, Pearce and Wyrmkeep Entertainment attempted to fund Inherit the Earth 2 through Kickstarter. Unfortunately, they failed to reach their fundraising goal by a wide margin. A second Kickstarter campaign with revised fundraising goals and retooled donation tiers failed in 2014. Undeterred, Wyrmkeep started a Patreon page to take donations to fund the game, but with it currently sitting at 48 patrons and $180 per month, it's safe to say this game is not coming out soon. But the good news is that by donating, you can follow what the characters from the game have been up to in the form of a webcomic!

But Wait, What Kind Of Adventure Game Is Inherit The Earth?

We must discuss Inherit The Earth's director and design lead, David Joiner, to answer that question. Joiner was a computer programmer fluent in Assembler, Fortran, and COBOL, and that last one allowed him to work in the US Air Force's Strategic Air Command for four years. For those unaware of what that means, Joiner was an officer attached to the United States' roving fleet of B-52s carrying nuclear payloads ready to make a beeline towards the Soviet Union in the event the Cold War became decidedly not cold. One thing I hope you pull from this blog is that there was an INSANE amount of artistic and programming brainpower at The Dreamers Guild, the likes of which we will never see. After leaving the military and bouncing around a few software and tech companies in the 1980s, Joiner settled down and decided to make The Faery Tale Adventure: Book I, an isometric action role-playing game in the same style and vein as the Ultima series. Even though it was his first game, it was a moderate success and briefly held the record for "largest game world" with over 17,000 screens. Despite being a one-person passion project, it caught The Dreamers Guild's attention which promptly offered Joiner a full-time position. Also, if David Joiner's name is ringing any bells, you might know him as the assistant composer for Defender of the Crown, an engineering lead for SimCity 4: Rush Hour and The Sims 2, and an interface design lead for Google+.

The Faery Tale Adventure is vital to Inherit The Earth because Joiner and his team were more accustomed to making isometric CRPGs than classic point-and-click adventure games. Hence, why Inherit The Earth uses the isometric perspective when navigating towns and larger settlements and even has an overworld you need to navigate when moving from one set piece to the next. With the overworld and isometric screens, you can even hold your mouse click to move your character as if it was an action RPG like Diablo. To further highlight how the design team had CRPG roots, most of your missions and quests involve fetch quests wherein you need to find far-off trinkets and hand them to NPCs that give you another item that needs to be delivered to a different recipient. The puzzles in the game feel vanilla or even amateurish because, with so much of the game displaying content as if you are playing a CRPG, the designers didn't give themselves enough workable room to put in a ton of expected adventure game tomfoolery.

However, only some locations or screens you encounter look like they are trying to put up their best Ultima act. Upon entering buildings or migrating to some of the story critical set pieces, you get the expected static medium shots you'd see from Sierra or LucasArts. The transitions between these opposed camera angles are far from perfect, and sometimes my eyes needed time to adjust to the game's awkward juxtapositions. One thing I will give the game credit for is that its proprietary engine, SAGA, is incredibly user-friendly and divides your actions into verbs that apply to NPCs and verbs that apply to objects or parts of the environment. That delineation and the simplified inventory system, which rarely puts more than five inventory items in your possession at any given time, led to an overall breezy experience I feel I can recommend to anyone who wants to play a "classic" adventure game that feels unlike any they have ever played or ever will. There are certainly better adventure games than Inherit The Earth, but none with such stunning production values and all its weird and disparate parts in a single package. But before giving my final assessment, let's review some puzzles!

Puzzles In The Known Lands

Collecting The Necessary Items And Information To Leave The Starting Market - [Rating: 5/10] - The beginning of Inherit The Earth does a miraculous job of setting the scene and giving you a good sense of its impeccable production values. The opening cinematic and introductory establishing scene at a Medieval fair are significant technical achievements, considering the programming team exclusively used DOS. The premise is simple: you play as Rif of the Fox Tribe, who stands accused of stealing a high-tech orb the animals use to control the weather, hence the game's subtitle. The animals of the present revere humans like gods, as humanity's genetic engineering gave animals the ability to talk and achieve sapience. The remnants of human technology are steeped in myth and legend despite the animals using many of these objects for their daily goings-on. That aside, the first task the game presents you with involves collecting information from the fairgoers and gaining the resources necessary to exit the market.

This task is not in and of itself problematic, but it's when the isometric design will either make or break this experience. Your ability to adapt and come to terms with the awkwardness of the movement and aimless wandering associated with finding quest items all but determines if you will finish Inherit The Earth. With NPCs moving on their routes and your field of view more limited than you'd like, gathering the critical story leads the game wants you to acquire is challenging. Also, none of the NPCs necessary for you to talk to are marked or listed to you in the game or through dialogue trees you have with quest givers. You are on your own in that regard. Likewise, with Inherit The Earth having weird CRPG trappings but no quest log, its more abstract quests are an utter chore. For example, the second phase of the marketplace requires you to find a random merchant who will buy a medal Rif got from his girlfriend for 15 gold pieces. Figuring out where this merchant lives involves a lot of aimless wandering around. It's an incredibly rough start to a game that otherwise is designed to be a breezy narrative piece meant to show you good art.

Gaining Entry Into The Sanctuary - [Rating: 3/10] - Alright, it's time to talk about the other two design quibbles that often cause people to burn out on Inherit The Earth! When you exit the market, you discover that navigating between significant locations involves you exploring the world using an RPG overworld. Like a typical adventure game, you can still manually click on monuments, buildings, and discernable objects to transport your characters into villages and environments. Still, there are times when you need to wander about the sprawling overworld to locate unmarked locations or hidden screens that require you to discern single pixels from a field of green or brown. Luckily, your first target is simple enough: the Sanctuary. When the legendary orb is first stolen, Rif is told to consult with nuns that live in isolation in a Vatican-inspired city-state. However, the head priestess informs Rif and his party that they will not be permitted entry until they acquire a sign that they come in peace and will abide by the nunnery's rules and customs. This request requires Rif to leave and locate a forest containing the deer folk's kingdom. After consulting with the king in the woods, he provides a golden apple you must present to the priestess. All of this requires you to hop back and forth between these two particular locations, and the game does not teleport you automatically when you acquire a key item necessary for a quest.

As I mentioned, the first handful of fetch quests are "fine" mainly because the simple quest design allows the story to introduce its major players and factions and allows you time to adapt to its wonky design choices. The issue is that this mission and puzzle design amounts to more than half of what you deal with throughout the game, sometimes making it feel barebones. And trust me when I say this, but the default walking speed is the worst. THE. WORST. In this case, you only need to move between TWO locations, complete three dialogue sequences, and pick up and deliver a single one-off trinket. Nonetheless, thanks to the max walking speed, that still amounts to about fifteen to twenty minutes. Oh, and I cannot forget to mention that the dialogue prompts are failable, and if you decide to be a goofy jerk to any of the people you interact with, you'll get kicked out and forced to restart entire chains of conversation to find key terms and clues! I feel like the start of this blog made a clear case that this game is ambitious and creative but not everyone's cup of tea, and by this point, two quests in, you likely already know if this is something you want to see all the way through.

Collecting Evidence At The Sanctuary - [Rating: 4/10] - Okay, with mini-rants and grousings about Inherit The Earth's structural and design choices out of the way, we can be a bit more "brief" with the rest of this game and its puzzles. When Elara, the head priestess from earlier, allows Rif the Fox to enter the Sanctuary, she reviews recent events at the nunnery and reveals the one item she could have used to help Rif has been stolen, and the thief is still at large. Nevertheless, she encourages you to search the premises for clues. When you find a vineyard to the left of the main complex, you'll discover discarded berries and a footprint. However, to use the print, Rif will need plaster to make an impression of it. For that, you will need to back out and find the Ferret Village, and while there, find a hardware store. The vendor sells plaster for 15 gold pieces, and that's your sign to pawn the medal to progress further in the game. When you head back to the Sanctuary, you need to find a bucket in the garden and fill it with water in a fountain. You can combine the plaster with the water bucket, pour the mixture on the footprint, and then collect a cast to present as evidence.

The issue with this puzzle and any mission that requires you to discover merchants or stores, is that every building or monument with an interior has incredibly difficult-to-locate doors or entryways. There's a slight 45-degree angle with the isometric camera, which means doors, which are vertically aligned, can be a pain in the ass to identify. Additionally, a monotony to each village's building design makes telling apart critical locals from ancillary ones impossible. In fact, of the handful of merchants and store owners you need to find, their storefronts' locations are barely discernable from their surrounding environments. For most, this ends up with you checking every door and building until you find quest givers or item recipients to progress the story. Given how slow the dialogue and walking animation progress, that's not a riveting experience for most.

Finding Sist In The Rat Caves - [Rating: 5/10] - The game becomes slightly open-ended at this point, with two possible locations to explore before you need to go further into the overworld. Your choices are the Boar King's Castle and the Rat Caves. It's not crucial to do one or the other first, but the rat caves are the more involved choice. When you first enter the caves, a bookkeeper prevents you from moving further unless you successfully confuse him. This task requires you to select a series of dialogue prompts in the correct order, and when you do, it's time for you to buckle up for some isometric dungeon crawling! While in the caves, you need to find a library and a doorway blocked by a copyright protection question that may or may not be removed from your version. Eventually, you move South until you find the leader of the rats, Sist, who welcomes you and gives you a better picture of who you are looking for when you present him with the berries and footprint. There's some fun lore-building here, but the game's top-down CRPG-like dungeon bits are entirely out of place and among the more annoying bits to butt up against when you play Inherit The Earth. The rat caves are not the most extensive environment, but the floor plan is serpentine enough that it is easy to lose your sense of place which can inevitably lead to you walking around in circles and not even knowing it.

Getting A Ring From The Boar King's Mud Pit - [Rating 1/10] - When you decide to visit the boar king, your boar companion vouches for you and allows you to walk past a couple of guards. When Rif meets with the boar king, he's forced to wade into a mud pit, much to his disgust, and upon exiting, he finds a ring caught in his fur. This item is necessary to complete a future puzzle. This bit ultimately ends up being a forced cinematic you need to see to pick up a MacGuffin. There's no way to fail this sequence, and you need to trigger it, preferably before you meet Tycho, the hound. As such, I can't get too angry at it.

Fixing Tycho's Telescope - [Rating 8/10] - After wrapping things up with Sist and the Boar King, you learn about a bloodhound named Tycho, that also happens to be an astronomer and map-maker. Sist directs you to him as he muses the next part of your journey will involve your party needing to cross over into the "Wild Lands." However, without a map, your trip will most likely meet doom. When you talk to Tycho, he offers to make a map, but only on the condition you fix his "light catcher," which to you and me is obviously a telescope. Mercifully, he states that he needs a new glass lens and that there is a master glassmaker in the ferret village. When you find this glassmaker and show him the broken lens, he exclaims that he cannot help, but he thinks the leader of the ferrets might know what to do. When you seek counsel, the head ferret pulls out a different human-made orb which they present as a deity of sorts, but as you attempt to use it, you and I discover it's a search engine like Google or Bing. The player's realization of this fact, while the characters act impressed by the orb, is one of my favorite scenes in the game. Unfortunately, the search engine cannot help Rif because he doesn't know that the proper name for Tycho's object is telescope" and should not refer to it as a "light catcher." As such, he needs to return to the rat caves, and when you talk to Sist, he uses a tome he brags about being one of the most impressive texts that he owns, but in reality, it's a human thesaurus, to discover the correct word; again, this is a good bit. When you use the search engine and utter the word "telescope," it provides the dimensions for a new lens and spouts a recipe. The ferrets jump for joy, saying that while the formula is complex, they should be able to get the job done.

Unfortunately, they lack red clay, which is needed to polish the lens to the correct aperture. Your boar companion is apt to point out that this red clay is what the boar king uses in his mud pit. Thus, you must backtrack to the boar king's castle and seek his company again. The clay is automatically added to your inventory when you finish a quick conversation in the mud pit. Handing this over to the glassmaker lets you fix the telescope and get the map needed to explore the Wild Lands. First, I must admit that the worldbuilding during this sequence is when I became absorbed with Inherit The Earth's story. Watching the characters struggle to comprehend an object as simple as a telescope, as contrived as it may sound on paper, ended up reinforcing the game's post-Apocalyptic themes. Similarly, the bit with the ferrets wherein you discover their "god" is a search engine is INCREDIBLY GOOD! Secondly, your conversations with Tycho build up a mystery that keeps you going even as you process this multi-step quest.

Unfortunately, this last point highlights that this is the most involved puzzle in the game. Even during the back half of the game, when you think it would most make sense for Inherit The Earth to ratchet up its difficulty, this sequence still stands as the biggest hurdle, short of one more, that blocks your progress. What I HATED about this sequence is how you need to trigger sequences in a particular order. For example, if you attempt to skip a step and head directly to Sist before you interact with the orb in the Ferret Village, which seems logical enough given Sist offers to be a source of knowledge, he isn't able to do jack. As a result, there's a precise sequence you must follow the game doesn't make clear, and WORSE, the exploratory bits in the ferret village are still a complete pain. I struggled to label and remember which building was the storekeeper's and which one had Google, and HOT DAMN are there way too many pointless buildings that simply exist as filler. And again, the amount of backtracking in this quest is BRUTAL! Needing to do the rat cave maze again was not appreciated.

Wild Lands Puzzles

Escaping The Dungeon In The Dog Castle - [Rating: 7/10] - The middle act of this game is its most beautiful and lore-heavy act but its most annoying one as well. When you first attempt to march into the Wild Lands, your party runs into the castle of the Dog Kingdom. When Rif encounters sentries at the castle's gate, this is the one time when he'll need to use his comedic dialogue prompts. When Rif's attempts at stand-up comedy fail, the king promptly throws Rif and his companions into a dungeon. To get out, you need to summon a guard by using a food dish on Rif's jail cell bars, and upon getting a meal, request a spoon. Using the spoon on a brick in the cell allows Rif to escape into a catacomb dungeon. I have already mentioned how out of place the dungeon crawling sequences feel in this game, and this is by far the worst offender. Figuring out the correct sequence and items to break out of jail is simple enough, and the game doesn't punish you if you need to call the guard a second or third time. However, the isometric dungeon sequence here, wherein if you get caught by guards, you must do things all over again, is incredibly frustrating. Likewise, you have no idea which exit you are aiming for or if you are moving in the right direction as you explore the catacombs. It's a labyrinth sequence that is very much "of the era," but that doesn't excuse how little piggybacking the game provides.

Helping The Chieftess Of The Cat Village Cure Her Daughter Of A Fever - [Rating: 8/10] - It's time for ANOTHER highly involved fetch quest! This quest is slightly worse than the previous one involving the telescope because this one involves you needing to interact with the overworld and manually finding random one-off levels to pick up crap! However, I'm getting ahead of myself. Rif can escape the castle but realizes he'll need assistance releasing his companions from their shackles. North of the tower, you'll find a village populated by cats, and when you interact with the village's leader, she agrees to help Rif on the condition he finds a cure for her daughter's fever. You'll run into a cottage north of the village, and if you examine it close enough, you'll figure out that it is the residence of Elara's sister. As you have a letter to deliver to her that Rif got after finishing his business with Tycho, you need to use the note on the door to the cottage three times before it opens and Rif begins talking to Alamma. When you relay the sick child's condition, Alamma, a witch or alchemist, can discern a treatment from Rif's short description. However, and I bet you know where this is going, you must find ingredients for this potion. These items are a needle and thread, honey, and catnip. When you accomplish this and cure the sickly child, the cat people prepare Rif for a nighttime prison break.

For the needle and thread, it's time to have your first encounter with the traveling merchant, Kylas Honeyfoot. On this occasion, he's locked to spawn in a clearing directly north of the cat village, and you'll need to trade the ring from the boar king's mud pit to get the needle. The catnip can be found in a mountain stream northwest of the field and is easy enough to add to your inventory. The honey, on the other hand, is an entirely different deal. First, you need to find a pixel on the northwestmost portion of the overworld and bump into it to find an oak tree with a bee nest. Finding this pixel, and I do mean "PIXEL," is dumb. Second, while noticing the nest is easy enough, you must create a fire to ward away the bees so Rif can collect some raw honey. To do that, you'll need to find a piece of flint near a cave system on the far eastern portion of the overworld. This item is on the complete opposite side of the map from where you use it, and that's what I call a "Dick Move!" It also does not help that using the flint on a bundle of twigs you need to place in a specific spot to smoke out the bees is incredibly fiddly, besides it being a minuscule object you can easily miss or not notice.

Rescuing Your Companions From The Dog Castle - [Rating: 9/10] - I want you to guess how this game adapts a prison break sequence. If you thought, "Have the player navigate a monotonous maze sequence," then you win! Worse, the game screws up by having every screen in this maze be a medium-side shot rather than a top-down or isometric shot. With the latter two, you better understand when the screens present you with options of going forward, left, right, or down. And this being a maze sequence gives me an excuse to jot down the exact button prompts to complete your mission post-haste. From the entrance, you must direct Rif to move forward, left, right, forward twice, right, forward, left, and forward before moving into a hallway and starting a SECOND maze sequence! Yup, there are two mazes, one for each castle floor! On the second floor, the best route, at least according to the two guides I consulted, is left, forward, right twice, forward twice, left twice, and right. I cannot emphasize enough how the game repeats one of four possible screen templates, making tracking where you are in the castle almost impossible. Eventually, you'll find yourself in the dog king's bedroom and must navigate a creaky floorboard to nab a key in his hand. If you make even one squeak, the king closes his hands, thus forcing you to restart the puzzle. With no visible signs indicating which floorboards will give away Rif, this is a trial-and-error navigation puzzle the game expects you to map out using graph paper. That's what I call bullshit! Oh, and to use the key to free your companions, you must backtrack through the maze and figure out how to find the prison cells on the first floor. Like the first time you explored this maze, your experience of trying to find the prison cells will likely be shitty, and I think you can already guess why I rated this sequence reasonably high.

Boarding The Ferry To The North Islands - [Rating: 7/10] - After breaking your friends out of prison, the cat tribe directs Rif to find passage to the North Islands to complete his quest. Unfortunately, the only ferryman willing to take him there requires proof that your party is ready for the dangers ahead. Kylas Honeyfoot happens to be the person with such evidence, but you'll first need to find a means to pay him, which you can conveniently find by exploring the interior of the cave system near where you found the flint to smoke out the bees from earlier. That's simple enough, but the real kicker involves tracking down Kylas Honeyfoot. To mimic Kylas being a traveling merchant, the game randomly spawns him in one of eight possible clearings in the overworld. Finding these clearings, and there are eight in total, is an absolute pain in the ass, and there's no real "trick" to make your experience easier. The patches of greenery are spread all across the wildlands, and the only nice thing is that there aren't random encounters. The rules for Kylas alone are why I bumped this score up a notch. It's far from being what I would traditionally call "hard," but the design and implementation of this puzzle are perplexing, especially given the enormity of the overworld.

North Island Puzzles

Escaping The Wolf Camp And Collecting A Bunch of Quest Items - [Rating: 2/10] - Did I mention how top-heavy Inherit The Earth feels? The start of the North Island involves two non-interactive cutscenes, virtually back-to-back. The first two acts feel, regardless of my nitpicks, like full-fledged chapters of a fantasy epic. The final act, however, is clear evidence that The Dreamers Guild either ran out of money or realized they needed to ship this game to meet a deadline. While I certainly enjoy the atmosphere of the North Island, as it is where you interact with remnants of human civilization the most, what you end up doing here is far from being the most interactive exercise in the game. For example, when you walk in on an exiled female wolf person bathing and learn about the power struggle on the North Island, Rif and company are captured almost immediately after they bid her farewell. This second cutscene formally introduces the raccoon you've been attempting to locate, who happily relays his evil scheme.

After no less than two prison sequences, you might be surprised to find out that Shiala, the female wolf from earlier, breaks you out. The only "trick" is to remember to pick up a trophy you need to use to sell to Kylas. This cool and exciting backdrop boils down to you needing to pick up a single one-off item, which is an all too common issue with the design of the North Island. In one case, when you encounter a derelict air hanger, all Rif needs to do is open it and pick up a spool of wire. Even the comments he makes when you try to observe parts of the background or foreground are far more basic than his musings from earlier. There's an exquisite seacliff screen on the North Island; all you need to do there is to use the cable to pick up a key card. There's no lore-building, and the interplay between the three characters is minimal. Therefore, buckle up for many adventure game gear checks wherein the only impediment is if you have the correct item!

Exploring The Ancient Ruins & Dam - [Rating: 4/10] - It is time to explore some human ruins, but before you do that, you need to track down Kylas again and offer to barter the trophy from the wolf tribe village for a lantern. With that out of the way, return to the airstrip and find a hangar Rif says is rusted over and impossible to open. Use the oil lamp to eliminate the rust and open the door. Find a workbench and pick up a screwdriver. Finally, navigate to the southwest part of the airstrip to find a building with a door that can accept the metal card Rif picked up from the seacliff. It's time for ANOTHER MAZE SEQUENCE, but at least this one is short and has no annoying loops that can cause you to run around in circles.

While in a computer room, find a glowing triangular device and pick it up. When you leave the building, exit the airstrip and find the dam's entry point. Find a ranger's station on a hill next to the dam and then open the door to the station using the screwdriver. While inside, pick up a digital alarm clock and examine it. As much as I complain about the mazes in this game, the one here is not the end of the world, and with the number of explorable locations on the North Island minimal, it's not that hard to figure out what the game wants you to do. The only tricky part is figuring out there's a building on the lower portion of the airstrip and which door you need to use to enter it. Beyond that, it's nothing too complicated.

Defeating The Evil Trash Panda - [Rating: 3/10] - It's time to return to Shiala's hut, and if you spend some time exploring her quaint living arrangement, you'll find an automatic door. To open it, you must use a powered-up version of the triangular device. First, take the screwdriver and apply it to the alarm clock. When Rif does this, he will note, "A cylinder has come out of this strange human object," and you should be able to figure out it is a battery. Next, you must combine the battery with the triangular device and apply it to the door. As you explore a tunnel system, you quickly discover you are inside the dam, and to progress the story, you only need to move forward. However, I recommend exploring the optional routes to get some additional worldbuilding. When you reach the end of the tunnel and climb a ladder, Rif ends up in a mini-chase sequence with Chota, the thief that took the orb at the start of the game. You only need to follow his movements; there's no way to fail this sequence. The puzzle with the alarm clock to open the door to the dam is undoubtedly fiddly and not intuitive, but again, the game does an excellent job of limiting the number of items in your possession. Hence, figuring out what to do with the door is straightforward. Overall, Inherit The Earth is one of the few adventure games I have covered that, at the least, ends well with a spectacular end sequence, even if its story feels half-complete.

Should You Play Inherit The Earth?

This following statement will sound weird, but hear me out on this one. Inherit The Earth is not a great adventure game, but it is still a great game overall. I was not enthused by any of its point-and-click trappings. This game and its odd stylings and gameplay are not newcomer friendly, AND some of its design is bound to piss off genre purists. There are better bones to toss at parser-based or SCUMM-engine adventure game fans. I would, at best, refer to it as an "intermediate" experience for those who have already exhausted their previous mid to late-1990s adventure game standbys and wouldn't mind something "different" from the SCUMM-based norm. Even then, the awkward stitching of its conflicting design choices so that it can provide you with handcrafted background visuals shows that its priorities were never remotely connected to providing a compelling gameplay experience. The first handful of fetch quests are okay, as they are simple exercises to get you accustomed to the game's unorthodox format. The more complex activities are often too abstract for their own good. By the time I got to the sixth fetch quest, I was done with this game's inability to bring anything new or novel to the adventure game formula.

Nevertheless, I was utterly enamored by its luscious environments, oddly compelling setting and themes, and honestly came around to its story and characters. The world it conveys is unlike any I have ever seen, with an odd mixture of comedic fantasy and stark reality. The only thing that comes to mind as a narrative or tonal equivalent is the movie Willow which has a similar mix of high fantasy adventure with dark and mature drama. For any of you interested in a slightly more mature bent on the fantasy formula of King's Quest and are willing to tolerate some annoying game design, Inherit the Earth is worth a casual exploration. It's still incredibly disappointing the story ends as it begins to get interesting, and the odds of that changing are slim. However, I still consider the game a diamond in the rough and a bit of an adventure game hidden gem. If embracing a growth or forward-thinking mindset doesn't seem like a complete reach, then there's something here for you.

WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS SIGNIFICANT SPOILERS PERTAINING TO PERSONA 3! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Preamble

If you were to press me on the matter, I'd cite Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 as my favorite in the franchise. However, I have given up trying to plead the case for the game. That's because I have a personal theory that everyone's favorite Persona game is whichever game you first sat down with and played all the way through. The foremost game in the series you invested 100+ hours into is most likely to be your pick as the high-water mark for the series. It's Pokemon or Mario Kart Rules but for a non-Nintendo property. Thanks to the Endurance Run, many of you think the best pick is Persona 4, and for millions today, the answer is Persona 5, which is turning seven the year of this blog's publishing date. What is a more worthwhile exercise is thinking about which game broke the dam in terms of the series becoming the ubiquitous role-playing game hallmark we now know and Atlus becoming a company with a global cache of credibility. It's a humbling thought exercise if you ask me, especially when you consider Atlus has been able to accomplish all they have in recent memory as a wholly-owned subsidiary and having started as an RPG mill that spawned during the 1980s Japanese asset price bubble. And how many companies besides it, Enix, Nippon Ichi, and Falcom, have remained this steadfast in honoring their roots and staying within their lane? Atlus is an aberration, which is why people seek out their experiences.

However, this blog isn't about me waxing poetically about Atlus and its history. No, I want to discuss why Persona 3 remains my "pick" despite its stark flaws and review what those quibbles might be. I played Persona 3 in high school and finished it the year Jeff Gerstmann was fired from GameSpot. I know this because I was stuck on a boss when my parents revealed they had made reservations for me to attend my now-deceased grandmother's birthday at a local Black Angus. While remembering where I've put my keys remains arduous, this memory has always stuck with me. That aside, despite being slightly late to the party, even then, it caught me at the right time and place. I was getting ready to transition to college and was dealing with bouts of depression and anxiety stemming from my life undergoing a massive metamorphosis. Something about Persona 3's bleak world and outlook and how outside forces are always out to get you resonated with me more than I can adequately put into words. Much like the dungeon of Tartarus, it was me against the world, and no one else understood what I was going through or thinking, and the best remedy was to continue to have little adventures that staved off reality biting at my heels. Likewise, while the game's monotony is a common complaint for many, the high school of Persona 3 feeling like a blur defined by irrelevancy felt deeply connected to my own experiences. And Persona 3 perfectly captured that sense of moving toward what I perceived as an unavoidable calamity while dealing with a growing sense of alienation and disillusionment.

Persona 3 was and is a special video game to me. Nonetheless, it was until recently a game I had only completed from beginning to end once. There are three primary reasons for this. First, Tartarus sucks complete and total ass, and how it limits what you can do to progress the game's story wasn't fun at the time, and it is doubly less fun today. Second, Persona 3 has a mid-game difficulty spike that comes out of nowhere if you are not ready. It will crush your spirit and motivation to continue if you don't fully understand how to maximize the characters efficiently and get the most out of the fusing mechanic. That boss battle against Jin and Takaya may be one of the most BURTAL gear checks in franchise history. It also doesn't help the game's story is the slowest burn of the last three numbered Persona titles and does not get its shit together until its sixtieth hour. Then, finally, Ken Amada. I don't care if that last phrase is a sentence fragment because that's all I need to say. He sucks, and anyone who complains about Yosuke in Persona 4 or Yusuke in Persona 5 for being "annoying" or a little "extra" has never had to listen to one of Ken Amada's MANY insufferable sob stories about why he's a poor sad boy that wants to kill someone important in your party. And, GOD DAMN, is his story arc with the male protagonist, the absolute drizzly worst shit imaginable.

I might love Persona 3, as I will review in the next section, but you will never hear me claim it is a perfect crystal without a detectible blemish. Persona 3 is a messy affair that has not necessarily improved with its recent re-releases. The "problematic" scenes and social links are still present without editing or rewriting. While the portable version of the game is the reference point for this blog, and that version sands off some of the gameplay rough edges of the original, there are several consequences with Atlus using it. The franchise has moved away from the rigid Wizardry-inspired dungeon-crawling conventions Persona 3 still saw to pay homage to, and that alone will make it a tough sell for those whose first Persona was 5. However, with the game now available on Game Pass, there's no excuse not to give it a shot if previous titles from Atlus have resonated with you. To understand how far the series has evolved as well as how little it has, playing Persona 3 is necessary. And as I discussed last year, though many misinterpreted my words at the time, Persona 3 marked the beginning of the end of the era when Atlus was "inside baseball" among genre enthusiasts, and their games reflected that. When I said the Persona series would never take as audacious a creative risk as the original ending for Persona 3, I meant it then, and I stand by that. With the series, at least now, always needing to consider multimedia and spin-off opportunities, the likelihood of a Persona game ever endeavoring to seek to tell a self-contained story or one that closes the books on its characters is simply unimaginable.

There Sure Is No Video Game World Quite Like Persona 3's

I noted earlier that there is something "special" about Persona 3's unflinchingly pessimistic world and outlook. I cannot emphasize enough how every part of the game communicates that point. With the characters existing in an isolated gated school, there's an overwhelming sterility with the world you initially inhabit. From the rigid school schedule your protagonist follows to the drones of NPCs that all feel like automatons, Persona 3 laid the groundwork for the series' sense of style that has since become a badge of honor. However, if you try to replay Personas 1 and 2, you'll notice that while they certainly have intense atmospheres, they don't ooze the grandeur of modern entries in the series. The strong sense of mood and tone Persona 4 and 5 exhibit in their opening chapters is something they owe enormous gratitude toward Persona 3. Persona games are also often associated with colors, and the blue and green filter of Persona 3 still pops out even if its graphical fidelity is starting to show its age. Though, the recent ports of P3P all having stable framerates and smooth animations more than makes up for that.

The story of Persona 3 starts bleak, and it rarely lets up. The protagonist's family is dead following a tragic accident, and almost every character in their party is in some way broken. There's always something about the build-up towards the first "Dark Hour" that still stands as one of the better starts in the series. That moment when you see most of the game's NPCs personified as coffins for the first time is stark and another major differentiator between it and its successors. While every game builds upon this sense of "Us vs. the World," Persona 3 expands upon that by scaffolding its mechanics with the general sense of loneliness and isolation that permeates Gekkoukan High School and the city of Tatsumi Port Island. Only you and a handful of allies are allowed the privilege of knowing what's truly at foot in the world of Persona 3, which makes what few additional relationships you pursue all the more special. While Persona 5 certainly pops with vibrant colors and Persona 4 benefits from a better marriage of music and visuals, Persona 3 is a tour de force wherein every part of it is committed toward a singular message and theme of death being right around the corner. The first true arcana you interact with is the Death Arcana, and there's an almost zombie-like monotony with life in the high school itself. Speaking of the Death Arcana in Persona 3, there's also something homey and quaint about a Persona game laying its cards out right from the rip and not messing around with red herrings about what your journey will involve or entail.

When you think about how the Persona franchise is one of the most easily recognizable in all of RPG fandom, it's weird going back to Persona 3. There's an edgy element to it that seems both punk-like and anti-consumerist, with its dark themes delving into depression, suicidal ideation, and addiction. Atlus had no expectations of mainstream popularity with this title, so they did not pull their punches. There's no denying that the game can sometimes be overwhelming, with some of its melodrama being "too much," hence why I mentioned Ken Amada as a major demerit. Yet, it's still hard to imagine a world where Atlus takes the same risk they did with Persona 3 in both the themes tackled in a Persona game and what thematic targets it is allowed to bring to the forefront. When Persona 3 first came out, if you had told me this series would lead to Atlus becoming a household name presented alongside Nihon Falcom, Bandai Namco, or even Square-Enix, I would have called you a crazy person. And yet, here we are. The series is still allowed to be introspective and edgy, but it has to be more PG-13, and it's never allowed to pull the rug from underneath you the exact way Persona 3 did. These games must now consider multimedia, expansion pack, and spin-off opportunities. There's nothing wrong with that, and I'm not trying to belittle the games from Atlus that have succeeded Persona 3. Nonetheless, while you play the game, it's self-evident Atlus never had that in mind when they made Persona 3, at least not at first, and that part of it is refreshing.

Not only that, but all future entries must plan with the general audience in mind, which, AGAIN, is okay. However, as I discussed in my blog about the ending of Persona 3 under the backdrop of Persona 5 Royale, there will NEVER be a Persona game with an ending as gut-wrenching and consummate as Persona 3's. And that ending is still one of my all-time favorite things Atlus has ever done. The reaction to my linked blog was mainly in response to the title, with most not reading the contents therein. Still, I stand by my overall feeling that there's something about Persona 3 killing your character, with you not being able to do a thing to stop it, that feels iconic. It still stands as one of the rare occasions, the other being Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne, where modern Atlus fully commits to the grim themes they bill themselves as being the best at conveying in the medium. Also, this time around, I ended up playing the game using the female protagonist, and I, until now, criminally underrated the new social interactions this route adds to the story. Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 Portable also gives you some variability with whom your protagonist spends their final moments, which adds SO MUCH to the game's emotional potency.

There's No Denying How Less Crappy It Is To Play Persona 3 Nowadays, But It's STILL Rough

"Marin Karin." I am happy for you if those words do not bring chills down your spine. For those of you whose recollection of Persona 3 started with Portable, you survived the horrors of not being able to control your party members directly. The rest of us, even with FES, had to slog through the final stages of Tartarus and battle Nyx while praying that the companion scripts would cooperate with the most basic tasks. If you thought the Nyx battle was hard in Persona 3 Portable, imagine needing to deal with it while Yukari refuses to cast healing spells and Mitsuru is obsessed with buffs and debuffs for fifteen GODDAMN TURNS! I would not wish that sort of nightmare on even my worst enemies. With Game Pass, Steam, and Nintendo netting Persona 3 Portable, players also have more difficulty options, a far more intuitive "1 More" attack mechanic, cool co-op attacks, no need to worry about losing a turn when recovering from knock-down, and Fusion Spells activating from items rather than a fiddly menu system. The quality-of-life changes to Tartarus, the game's only dungeon, are nothing to sneeze at either. My memory of the original game was more substantial than my scant hours with Persona 3 Portable. So, this time, my mind was blown when I first accessed the main stairway from the lobby and saw I could immediately go to my highest achieved level on Tartarus. Oh, what I would have done for that feature when I first played Persona 3!

The other and far more critical reform Portable made from the original had to do with Social Links. You can only reverse or break a Social Link in Portable through poor dialogue choices. In the original game, not only could you ruin relationships that way, but also if you failed to hang out with characters for too long. There was no more frustrating feeling than being on the last leg of a Social Link, only to ruin it because you pushed your luck too hard by miscounting your leeway by a day or two. If that happened, you engaged in an INCREDIBLY "fun" routine of needing to run around the world buying gifts and then spending two to three days making up for lost time. If you were like me, then you ended up going to GameFAQs and looking up recommended flowcharts and calendars on how to avoid reversing Social Links as if you were planning out your monthly medicine schedule like a senior citizen. It sucked, and it's genuinely good a new generation of Persona fans doesn't need to worry about that. However, the Game Pass version still has the ability to reverse Social Links. As such, be mindful that the penalties for playing around with your dialogue options, even the slightest bit, are downright insane.

The topic of reverse Social Links leads us to a recurring sentiment expressed on social media and in recent re-reviews of Persona 3 in light of its subsequent re-release. Under the shadow of Persona 5, much of its mechanics, systems, and structure are being hammered as "anti-player game design." Even as a fan of the game, it's hard to disagree. I have seen no less than three friends on Twitter who were MASSIVE fans of Persona 5 go through the "Five Stages of Grief" regarding Tartarus and needing to come to terms with it being "it." It's still a shock to imagine a Persona game only ostensibly having a single dungeon. Still, when you consider a bunch of Wizardry nerds created Atlus, the context of their past slightly dulls the pain. Regardless, even with all of the quality-of-life additions with the portable release, Tartarus sucks. One of the few mercies the original release gave you, where arriving back to the main lobby would automatically restore your party's health and MP, requires you to pay a fee in Persona 3 Portable. The time component and moon phase mechanic associated with Tartarus is still too overbearing. Similarly, the tiredness mechanic remains one of the dumbest things Atlus has ever added to what is essentially a dungeon-crawler RPG series. Limiting the player's ability to explore their combat surroundings to the extent Persona 3 does is counter-intuitive to the gameplay ambitions of this series and the genre in general.

Yet, I want to return to the topic of new Persona fans giving Persona 3 a shot and then them burning out immediately. I do not blame ANYONE saying Persona 3 Portable's slower pace, and more basic combat makes it difficult for them to feel like they should continue playing it. Persona 3 has, and always will be, a slow burn, which might sound odd to those of you ready to chime in that all Persona games err toward the ninety-hour mark and possibly North of that. The difference with Persona 3 is that it is slower than either of its successors by a considerable margin. While the game no longer requires you to worry about spacing your Social Link interactions, those character interactions STILL progress at a snail's pace. The main plot doesn't kick into gear until its mid-point, and I'd even argue things honestly don't get "interesting" until the lead-up to the Jin and Takaya battle. Honestly, the game's best character work and storytelling don't happen until September, nearly sixty hours deep into it. Everything before that relies heavily on the game's atmosphere and the optional Social Links you opted into, which might be enough for some but not so much for those expecting a "whole package" of multiple narrative threads converging with every hour you play it, like in Persona 5. Finally, mechanically, there's no denying that it feels incredibly "basic" compared to where Atlus is as a role-playing game developer today. As I said, it wears its Wizardry influences more visibly than modern Atlus titles. I think that's why I feel there's a timelessness to it, considering it's modern enough to have some of Atlus' rougher dungeon-crawling roots sanded off but not so close to the present that it doesn't thoroughly kick your teeth in from time to time. Nonetheless, there's no denying that it will come across as "sluggish" for many pining for the flashy fluidity of Persona 5's combat.

Persona 3 Is Still Narratively Messy And HIGHLY Problematic (i.e., I Forgot About All Of The Unsettling Social Links)!

Right from the rip, be aware that the transphobic scene is still in the game and untouched! I am AMAZED, especially after Atlus rightfully edited out the gay panic scene in Persona 5, Operation Babe Hunt was not changed or edited even the slightest bit. That scene was a massive black mark on the game when it first came out, and it sticks out like a sore thumb today. Now, there's no way for me to say this without sounding like a scumbag, but it wouldn't be a Persona game without Atlus either fucking up the depiction of an LGBTQIA character or jumping waist-deep into a problematic storyline with TERRIBLE implications. And boy, howdy, Persona 3 has BOTH! Every Persona game, and most Atlus games, have this flaw, and it seems intrinsic to the overall awkwardness of Atlus attempting to depict teenage intimacy and relationship-building for games made by adults targeted at adults. Full disclosure, I am a full-time public education teacher, and I want to say Kawakami's story arc in Persona 5 made me genuinely sick to my stomach. This statement is not a lie. I almost quit the game entirely because of it. When you add in the trans-panic shit in Catherine: Full Body with them not being conscious that there are aspects of Persona 3 that might need editing, I think we can agree Atlus is terrible at depicting certain parts of the human experience with the care and respect they deserve.

And let's be honest; some story moments and aspects of this game have aged like milk! However, to the game's credit, the parts that "work," really do work. I, and most that enjoy the titles by Atlus, can accept the premise of Persona 3 for what it is, as absurd as it might sound on paper. There's a secret organization of child soldiers that need to harm themselves to fight evil monsters and ghosts that only exist while the rest of the world lives for an hour as soulless zombies. It's a dumb and ridiculous premise, but there's something both counter-culture and punk about it that somehow has walked its way back to being relevant. The characters of Persona 3 are a close-knit group that knows the odds are stacked against them. Likewise, what few breaks from your ascents up Tartarus you get need to count, and the game's character work, IN GENERAL, is well-done and respects your time. So, who gives a shit if this game has an android dog and you need to buy weapons from a police station? Anyone who starts citing "plot holes" in any Persona game like they are their own JRPG version of Cinema Sins is a clown. What I don't think works well is how much more trope-reliant the story is compared to future entries and how by the numbers Persona 3 is until shit gets wild. But until that happens, you have a handful of problematic or clumsily handled Social Links to deal with!

So, you've reached the part of this blog where we need to talk about Ken Amada and the female protagonist's ability to date him. However, there are a few things I want to discuss before we get to that bombshell. First, with the male protagonist's route, I still hate how he goes on long rants and broods about wanting to kill or get revenge on Shinjiro, and everyone in your party does nothing about it even though he is visibly scheming to do something after telling everyone his origin story. One of the best parts about the female protagonist is that it allows you to avoid Shinjiro's death, and his death may be one of the most hamfisted and contrived moments in the entire game. That said, getting to know Ken Amada better with the female protagonist means you can also opt into a relationship with him. Yes, this relationship is optional, but it still remains one of the most questionable things Atlus has ever done. It's important to note that during the events of Persona 3, Ken Amada is ten years old, which would mean your character's actions possibly constitute statutory rape, if you read into the cutaway end scene enough, or, at the very least, amount to grooming. It is BY FAR one of the worst things Atlus has ever included in any video game under their label, and I say that having killed Jesus Christ and Hitler in some of their older titles. Watching a ten-year-old hem and haw about being attracted to the first strong female role model in their life since the death of their mother never felt good when Atlus first put it into Persona 3 Portable, and it's way worse today! It says a lot that one of the most popular mods for the PC version of the game outright removes the romance sub-plot with Ken Amada and caps him out at the end of his Social Link, but that's not an option for those using consoles.

Now, if you try to dodge Persona 3's most problematic Social Link by defaulting to the male protagonist, just be aware you're opting into a significantly worse experience, which the game does not warn you about even the slightest bit! For example, if you pick the male character, you have to deal with Kenji Tomochika, and at this point, I'm curious if someone at Atlus has an unhealthy obsession with teens dating their teachers. I already mentioned how the default version of Operation Babe Hunt remains unedited and is as sickening as it was when the game first came out. As a test, I wanted to see if the male route's Magician Arcana Social Link also went unedited, and I can confirm that's indeed the case. With the male protagonist, Kenji's Social Link still has you listen to him talk about his delusions of wanting to date and even marry one of his teachers. You are not allowed to intervene or else risk reversing his relationship and need to watch him go through the entire process of laying out this creepy parasocial life goal after high school. The kicker with Kenji is that his story arc concludes with him moving on from the problematic one-sided relationship as if nothing happened after crying about it once. The game treats the entire situation as a character-building moment wherein Kenji is never held accountable for his side of the situation and does not need counseling or therapy. I am not an expert on child and teen psychology, but Atlus' notions of how to resolve toxic or misplaced relationships are ten years out of date. They insist that getting past these traumas is something you do once and then move on for the rest of your life without any issues as long as you have one good friend.

Finally, we just discuss the male protagonist getting into a relationship with their homeroom teacher using an MMORPG! Yeah, that sure is something that happens in this video game. This Social Link starts with a fascinating premise of you identifying someone in an online world with their real-world counterpart and then quickly recognizing that their use of this online platform errs on addiction. If all that happened with Isako Toriumi were you needing to help her come to terms with her video game addiction as you increasingly wear out your own protagonist's endurance after pulling multiple all-nighters with her, that would have been fine. Nonetheless, YET AGAIN, Atlus thinks it knows how to handle teen-adult romance and has her confess her love to a player that she does not know is a minor. However, in the epilogue of this story arc, wherein Toriumi finds out that the person she's been confiding to and developing feelings for is one of her students, you get subjected to one of the weirdest and most chaotic scenes in the entire game. In a single scene, you watch Toriumi weep and moan about the possible end of her career as well as hear her say she's considering suicide, and the game promptly follows that with her thanking the protagonist for turning her life around after she's had a good sob. Upon which, she then asks him on a date! And then, suddenly, the scene ends with her storming out while saying, "Oh, to hell with this!" It's by far the weirdest and messiest thing in the entire game, and I still don't know how to feel about it other than I wished Atlus went back to the well and clarified their intentions with this entire story arc.

I Don't Know If Persona 3 Portable Was The Right Version For A Re-Release

I suspect this section of this blog will get me in the most amount of "trouble," but let me try to lay out my case before everyone clamors for my beheading. First, some rumors say Atlus went with Persona 3 Portable instead of the original game or FES because the source code for the latter two has either been lost or deleted. While that may sound crazy to some, it's not entirely out of the ordinary in Japanese video game development, especially not with Japanese role-playing game developers. The most notorious example, by far, has to be Squaresoft/Square-Enix, which has a well-known and well-documented habit of deleting the source code to its games months after they go "gold." The funniest example has to be when Squaresoft contracted Edios to make the PC ports for Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy VIII. Because Square had already destroyed its source code, Edios was forced to make the PC ports by reverse engineering debug copies of both. Again, I'm relying on rumors and speculation on this point, but there is one thing I want to make utterly clear, even if this rumor is just that. I would rather have some version of Persona 3 available on modern platforms than none. For all of the shortcomings I will review in a bit, I still had a pretty damn good time with Persona 3 Portable and view it as a game worth seeing to the very end.

Ultimately, my issue with Atlus using Persona 3 Portable is that the newer releases are a shot-for-shot port. I know there are many Persona 3 Portable fans out there that will defend the game as their favorite permutation of Persona 3, but it is ill-suited in many regards for home media consumption. For one thing, Atlus' corner-cutting to make the original game fit onto a UMD feels especially conspicuous on modern computer monitors or 4K televisions. While some creative decisions, like cutting out The Answer or limiting the main character to swords, are understandable, others are not. I'd go so far as to say Atlus should pretend The Answer never happened for the rest of time. However, two massive compromises Atlus made so you could initially play Persona 3 while on the go really smart this time around. Those would be the removal of the anime cutscenes in favor of rudimentary visual novel portraits for all major sequences and set pieces and removing fully explorable 3D environments. The first of those, the cutscenes, might seem like a nitpick. The visual novel portraits are expressive enough and get the job done for the most part. Still, the absence of those anime cutscenes means Persona 3's gravitas and more dramatic moments lack the technical punch and superb production values we commonly associate with the franchise. Furthermore, considering Persona 4 Golden and Persona 5 aren't lacking their cinematics, Persona 3 feels like the odd man out in some regards.

That blow to immersion is compounded by losing the ability to walk around and explore environments as you do in any other Persona game. Boiling down the standard exploratory efforts associated with the typical Persona side quest to using a cursor to click on icons leads to some of the more fun and wacky side quests losing their significance in filling in the blanks to the game's mythos. Instead, it makes the modern re-release of Persona 3 all the weirder considering it has these technical shortcomings, while Persona 4 Golden and Persona 5 don't. Side quests feel sterile and incredibly by the numbers. I know people love the female protagonist, but none of the extra stuff from FES is in this version, and that sucks. Some people prefer the Desert of Doors to the Abyss of Time, but I'm not one of them. Sure, I will take the more in-depth difficulty options and being able to warp to the top of my last level on Tartarus to these issues. Nevertheless, there was a missed opportunity to provide a truly "authentic" Persona 3 experience with its modern re-release, which I think Atlus squandered.

Finally, it's not like the gameplay flaws and quibbles with Persona 3 have not been known quantities for over a decade. Therefore, leaving them intact for new generations to butt up against is simply cruel. I mentioned how the Ken Amada mod immediately shot to the top of the charts when the PC version of Persona 3 Portable was released. Yet, it's worth reviewing the mod that consistently ranks #1 for the game. The Manual Skill Inheritance mod addresses one of the most reviled parts of Persona 3, fused Personas inheriting randomly selected abilities you cannot manually edit. This annoyance is one Atlus had the wherewithal to remove from Persona 4 with the release of Golden, and it is a groan-inducing roadblock to deal with now. However, maybe it is good that some of the crustier aspects of Persona 3 are still there for some people to experience for the first time. With the number of people self-professing to be "fans" of the works of Atlus at an all-time high, it might be a fun exercise for many people to see how far the Persona team has come in the past twenty years. If you ask me, we are all good as long as the series never attempts to do first-person dungeon crawling again! So, give Persona 3 Portable a shot and enjoy it in all its messy but beautiful glory.

Author's Note: This is part three of a three part retrospective on my experiences and thoughts pertaining to Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII. If you missed the previous parts, here are the links:

• Finishing Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII [Part 1] - Honestly, This Game Isn't As Bad As The Internet Says!
• Finishing Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII [Part 2] - Who Do We All Have At Least One "Messy Game" We Love?

Also, if you enjoyed this episode, here's a directory to the first episodes of every Final Fantasy game I have covered on this site thus far:

• Part 1 of Final Fantasy I series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy II series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy V series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy VI series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy VII series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy VIII series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy IX series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy X series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy X-2 series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy XI series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy XII series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy XIII series
• Part 1 of Final Fantasy XIII-2 series

Part 11: The Dead Dunes Is The Best Level Because Of Its Brutalist, Straightforward Design

It's been a while since I last wrote about Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII, and that's entirely my fault. Bouts of procrastination and work getting the better of me did not help my growing concern about how worthwhile these exhaustive closed readings on the Final Fantasy franchise are with declining viewership and paltry comment attachment rates constantly rearing their ugly head. That said, before thoroughly throwing in the towel, I promised I would at least complete retrospectives for Lightning Returns,Final Fantasy IV, and Final Fantasy: Unlimited. And before you ask, yes, I am mentally prioritizing Unlimited higher than I am for Final Fantasy XIV; bite me. However, the nagging source of writer's block I had with this particular write-up stemmed from, as we will review shortly, the bizarre and insane leaps Lightning Returns takes in its final hours. I would hazard to say I think the game's ending is a goddamn work of art, but HOT DAMN, are there other segments worth praising as well. What I would do to have the audience and viewership I had two years ago, but for this game, is a mountain of treasures stacked to the moon.

The odd thing is that the back half of the game does a pretty good job of playing things "straight." For most, the Dead Dunes represent the final new level you explore from beginning to end before attempting the late-game content or final boss. And to the game's credit, the Dead Dunes do an admirable job of communicating the sense of your time with Fang being "the last good adventure" you'll have in Nova Chrysalia with the end of the world perilously drawing nigh. The narrative underpinning of the level is about as straightforward as it gets. When you enter the region, everyone warns that it is a place of piracy and ner do wells, but when you find one of the few remaining cities in the desolate wasteland, you discover Fang leads the motley crew of bandits and thieves that live there and enforces a strict code of conduct. However, knowing that Lightning has some connection to the religious order that "stole" Vanille, Fang is not immediately open or welcoming to her former compatriot. While Fang accepts Lightning's assistance in her quest to explore a series of ruins for a relic called the "Holy Clavis," she is not immediately forthcoming about why or what the artifact accomplishes.

There's a brutal simplicity to the Dead Dunes I found refreshing compared to the rest of the game. The story lays out the premise of the level right from the rip, with you needing to complete a series of quests to regain Fang's trust, and the level structure is equally straightforward. The linearity of the dungeons, with a few lever puzzles thrown in here and there, reminded me of OG Final Fantasy XIII. The story premise here isn't something miraculous by any stretch of the word, with the big reveal that the relic Fang is attempting to steal being part of a ceremony that will lead to Vanille's sacrifice, at best low-rent Final Fantasy X and, at worst the anime schmaltz of Tales of Symphonia. Still, with the characters interacting with each other in earned moments of sentimentality and Fang being an effective keystone in grounding your activities with the surrounding world, the effect is that the Dead Dunes accomplishes in one to two hours what Final Fantasy XIII struggled to do in forty.

There's something about the Dead Dunes that "works" for me that I cannot decisively put my finger on, even as I write and review this blog one last time. The teleport-based fast travel system makes the sprawling size of the Dead Dunes more manageable than even smaller environments like Luxerion or Yusnaan. This environment also hits you with fewer side quests than the other environments, allowing its mainline plot thread to not become muddled with filler. Speaking of the breezy nature of the Dead Dunes, Fang is the best companion in Lightning Returns. She draws the attention of enemies away from you, and you don't need to worry about keeping her health points at parity. Me liking Fang more than any of the other Final Fantasy XIII stalwarts also helps. Even if Fang's gimmick isn't groundbreaking, I already have buy-in with her relationship with Vanille, so I tend to overlook some of the storytelling shortcomings with this chapter. The Dead Dunes gets its shit in and out in record time, and if the rest of the game functioned on that same timescale, I would have a much easier time recommending Lightning Returns to even Final Fantasy XIII skeptics.

However, I can't pipe my Lightning Returns evangelism on this blog without at least a few concessions about its weaknesses. First, while the fast-travel system is miles better than the Chocobo in The Wildlands, the fact you need to unlock the warp points by aimlessly wandering the dunes is a massive bummer. The lack of level and enemy variety means that most of your exploratory efforts, especially the ones involving the side quests, feel incredibly monotonous. When you enter your first dungeon, you might initially be excited at the prospect of fighting Egyptian mummies and skeletons as they appear to be an enemy type exclusive to the Dead Dunes. However, as time passes, you discover they are the ONLY enemies you fight in the tombs, and their novelty wears thin by the halfway point of the second dungeon. However, the gravest sin of the Dead Dunes is its lack of commitment to Vanille and Fang's story arcs. As I have said countless times prior, the fact Vanille is locked away in an optional cutscene that you can miss or even witness AFTER starting your adventure with Fang is a MASSIVE miscalculation. Everything you do with Fang, and even the concluding moments wherein religious zealots steal the Holy Clavis at the last minute, mean much more when you have the context of Vanille being tortured by this shitty religious cult. Watching Fang fall into a depressive state, knowing she has failed, lacks much of its impact if you don't fully appreciate what is at stake. That and Square-Enix's inability to pull the trigger and have the two be lesbian lovers continues to weird me out.

Part 12: Lather, Rinse, Repeat - The Sazh Formula (Also, We Need To Talk About The Chocolina Plot Twist)

My frustrations with Square-Enix's wishy-washy attitude with Vanille and Fang are compounded by the fact that, after you beat Grendel, it does two character throwbacks that feel like a waste of time. First, Lightning speaks to the specter of Cid Raines, who warns the church of Bhunivelze has deceived both her and Vanille into thinking they can avert the end of the world. Also, he lectures on how Vanille's sacrifice will essentially destroy the dead and cause everyone to forget about their lost loved ones before Bhunivelze resets the universe, and knowing this would result in Lightning losing all memories of her sister, she vows to stop the ritual even if it means defying the god she has pledged to obey. I have no idea how many Final Fantasy XIII defenders are still on this website these days. Nonetheless, I want a roll call of how many of you put Final Fantasy XIII's Cid Raines on the top of your list of characters you wanted to make a recovery in Lightning Returns. I would have set Rygdea, Jihl Nabaat, or even Yaag Rosch above Cid Raines in terms of character throwbacks to the original game worth exploring. And it says so much about how little planning Square-Enix put into the story and worldbuilding of Final Fantasy XIII that they felt more comfortable about going with Cid instead of Galenth Dysley, who was the WHOLE POINT OF THAT GAME, in terms of peeling off the veneer of Lightning Returns.

The second source of frustration stems from the game's final pre-conclusion sequence centering entirely on Sazh. Now, don't get me wrong. I like Sazh and thought his character moments with Vanille, especially when you got to the casino level, were the best parts of Final Fantasy XIII. However, the issue with Sazh in Lightning Returns is that what we get from him is a soft reboot of the same story arc we have seen twice. YET AGAIN, his son, Dajh, is stuck in a frozen slumber, and your protagonist needs to give him the willpower to fight through his grief to resurrect his son after he's failed countless times prior. That's what happened in the first game; it's what happens in this game, and if you bought the Sazh DLC for XIII-2, you got a slight deviation from this formula, but it's close enough that you still get déjà vu. And I've been avoiding the frequent criticism some levy at this game about it being incredibly convenient that all of the characters in the world have these solvable problems and issues they have been struggling with for HUNDREDS OF YEARS that Lightning can remedy in minutes. This quibble is incredibly petty for side quests, given that it's a by-product of needing to cram in the expected amount of content anticipated of an RPG. With Sazh, I'm a little less forgiving, considering the story implications are that, as the world teeters closer to the end, all he's been doing is moping about how sad he is he can't play with his son. There's also some shit involving Lumina, and her connection to Sazh remains a convoluted mess from beginning to end, but you could say that about Lumina in general.

AND HOLY SHIT, the mission design with the Sazh stuff is the most vanilla-ass shit imaginable. It doesn't help that he's tucked away on the furthest right-most corner of The Wildlands, and you can only get there in the first place AFTER you fully heal the Angel of Valhalla, a point the game does not at all make clear to you and necessitates the completion of at least a half-dozen side quests. When you discover Sazh and watch his sob story, you learn that Sazh's anger during Final Fantasy XIII-2 broke Dajh's soul into fragments, and you need to re-assemble them. Like the rest of Lightning Returns, there's no correct order to acquire these fragments. Likewise, your mission log only provides the most basic details on where to look for them. Worse, you can even find Sazh in different parts of the world, but his presence is almost always a sign the correct location is on the opposite side of the map from where you find him. What ensues next is a LOT, and I mean A LOT, of aimless wandering around and waiting for pips on your map to appear. It does not help not all of the fragments are in The Wildlands, with one in Yusnaan and another in the Dead Dunes. The in-game mini-map sucking complete shit and the lack of quest markers in Lightning Returns make almost all of the side quests an absolute boor if you are not using a guide, and that's very much the case with Sazh's missions. This sequence plays like a glorified hidden object game, which is innately shitty, considering it's necessary for you to get the good ending. There are plenty of platforming sequences and two boss battles to tackle. The first, against a dragon in the battle arena in Yusnaan, goes down quickly enough, but the Cactuar in the Dead Dunes is a real fucker that can be a pain if you fail to prepare for them.

The missions and quests during this mini-chapter all feel like busy work, and the fact the culminating cinematic, after you get all of the fragments, hits all of the expected notes without an ounce of creativity or ambition was disappointing. Sure, it's heartwarming to see Sazh play with his child. Still, considering he's exactly where he was at the end of Final Fantasy XIII, and completing this questline doesn't result in Sazh prominently coming into the fold of the main story, it feels like a complete waste of time. However, Sazh isn't the part of this chapter people on the internet talk about incessantly. No, everyone wants to discuss the big "plot twist" involving Chocolina. Now, I want to clarify a bit of revisionist history associated with this reveal before we get into the crucial details. Foremost, you can outright miss Chocolina telling you her big secret if, after completing this mission, you fail to talk to her at any point before starting the end game. Additionally, what she says to Lightning is a one-off line, and the game doesn't let her words marinate in any way, shape, or form. She says what she says and then immediately greets you to check out her bulletin board for mini-quests. The people who made this game did not adequately understand what the revelation with Chocolina would mean to ANYONE playing this game.

So... Chocolina is the tiny Chocobo that lived in Sazh's afro during the first game. This statement is entirely factual, and no one will dispute it. When Chocolina first graced us in Final Fantasy XIII-2, and everyone's first reaction to her was one of horror at her proportions and outfit, I don't think anyone foresaw this being the ultimate conclusion of her character arc. As I said, it's lamentable that the writing doesn't revel in the insanity that this plot twist presents. It fobs off any reflection before it marches forward toward its incredible ending. However, GOOD GOD is it something extraordinary! To the game's defense, if you complete a side quest in Yusnaan, you will encounter a woman resembling Chocolina who asks Lightning to find her lost Chocobo friends. When you locate these companions, she transforms into a bird and joins her friends in a plaza where they dance perpetually. However, right before she switches back to her bird form, she mentions one more person like her that Lightning might meet if she continues performing good deeds in the world. Correspondingly, one of the earliest missions you complete to reawaken Dajh involves Lightning talking to Chocolina and getting hints that she is interested in seeing Sazh happy before the world's end. That's all fine and dandy, but STILL, WHAT BLACK SORCERY ALLOWS BIRDS TO BECOME HUMAN-BIRD HYBRIDS LIKE CHOCOLINA?! WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT?!

Part 13: The Dearth Of End-Game Content (And Most Of It Is Bad)

There isn't any denying that Lightning Returns overstays its welcome. You can alleviate that problem by opting into as little end-game content as you'd like, but be aware there's an associated risk in doing that. Regardless, I'm getting ahead of myself. Your adventure with Sazh represents the final quest you MUST COMPLETE before Day 13 unless you want to unlock the game's bad ending. As mentioned in the previous episode, Noel, Snow, Caius, and Grendel/Parandus MUST be defeated before the game reaches its final day. If you pussyfoot too much in this game, entering a fail state is a genuine possibility. Therefore, setting a relatively conservative goal of beating the mainline quest of each environment every two days, which leaves enough time for Sazh and side questing, is my recommendation for newcomers. However, during my playthrough, I did not do that and even tried to finish certain levels, like Luxerion and the Dead Dunes, in a single in-game day.

I have a sickness when it comes to games like these. When an RPG provides me with a limited amount of time to experience the richness of its story, I min-max my shit in the worst possible way. For example, since Persona 3, I have been in the camp of always trying to complete the storyline dungeons in the Persona franchise in a single in-game day, so I have more time to interact with the social link stuff. That includes Person 5, and yes, I even did this with the Memento shit and pulled it off outside of one. It was not a fun experience, but that's how my brain works, and I retracted my ability to criticize the Persona franchise's dungeon design years ago. When the going got tough with Lightning Returns, I used cheese tactics and balance exploits to get past roadblocks meant to signal I needed to turn around and level up Lightning through side quests. You can't get too angry at me because my bad habits paid off, and I had completed all of the requirements to initiate the "good" ending by day nine. And let me tell you, that was WAY TOO MUCH FREE TIME for the side quests that remained before me.

With so much of the core gameplay relying on completing optional missions, it is INSANE to me how thoroughly antiquated the structure and signposting of these missions are at times. The vast majority of the side quests are only tricky because the game lacks helpful UI/UX or quality-of-life features to make even the simplest tasks not laborious and time-consuming. I have harped on the game needing quest markers or symbols to differentiate quest givers from random NPCs or a mission log that marks essential information on your map or highlights vital terms or names in different font colors before, but it is worth bringing up again. The time-sensitive nature of the tasks is also more often a source of frustration than a clever way to co-opt every part of the world into the story's themes on time. There is no more frustrating feeling than picking up a mission from a quest giver only to discover you need to sit on getting it done for a handful of hours until the next target spawns, do your business with them, and then need to wait until the next day to cash-in the quest because the quest giver is gone and will not spawn until the subsequent morning. But that's not all; the difficulty spikes with these missions are all over the place. The simple fetch quests rarely present any difficulty, and then sometimes there are missions like when the main village in The Wildlands gets attacked by a monster, and you find out it's a boss encounter designed for a New Game+ playthrough.

However, there are plenty of diamonds in the rough worth praising. In Luxerion, there's a mission called "The Girl Who Cried Wolf," and I not only liked how you cause the source of the quest to cease with their pranks, but you can also fail the mission if you do not complete it in time and that person ends up murdered in the streets. I already mentioned the optional task involving Vanille. Still, it's a genuine shocker when you discover that she's in agreement with the religious order she adheres to because she is struggling to block out the voices of everyone who has ever died in the universe. Speaking of plotlines that take a dramatic turn, how could I forget about "Buried Passion" and "To Save The Sinless." When you pick up the former quest, it presents itself as being no more than a simple fetch quest for a book lover, and the first two missions encapsulate that vibe. You learn more about Ranulph, the petitioner of the mission, and his fondness for a young baker. However, at the last leg of his bibliophilic excursions, you are presented with the option of opening one of his diaries. If you do, you discover he's been suppressing his memories of his wife and child's murder. When you elect to present this information to Ranulph, he demands you find out who did this, only to find out it is the wayward father of the young baker that he's been raising like his own son. Ranulph wrangles with his options but elects to pretend he never knew the truth and even wipes his memories again as if he'd never met Lightning. This game fucking GOES PLACES, and when it cuts the bullshit, you get the sense the writing team wanted to tell some exciting stories. The problem is they had to write hundreds of stories to keep this game loaded with content. Otherwise, people would have realized it doesn't have enough range to fill the gaps between its handful of storyline set pieces.

Nonetheless, there is one aspect to the side quests and main missions that I must call into question. Considering the ultimate narrative goals for Lightning Returns and where and how it culminates, it's bonkers how little of the game serves its end goal. NOTHING from the start of the game until Day 13 honestly prepares you for the rollercoaster ride that is the final battle against Bhunivelze and the cinematic that ensues after that conflict. Also, we need to talk about Lumina. She might be one of the clunkiest and worst-used foreshadowing devices in a modern Square-Enix game. She also has zero personality. Say what you will about Final Fantasy XV, but Ardyn chews up the scenery in every scene he's in and has that shit-eating grin that makes you want to punch him in the face whenever you hear him cackle away. He has a role, and he fits that role perfectly until Episode Ardyn completely fucks everything up; more on that another day. Lumina is a plot device that pops into every scene where it is convenient for a lore dump and obliges. When you discover what her whole deal is, it's astounding that of the game's thirty to forty-hour playtime, less than five percent of her dialogue has anything to pertain to her and why she's so invested in watching Lightning progress down a very linear path towards figuring out the god she's taking orders from is shitty. Instead, she serves up flashbacks to Serah or long lectures about lore no one, but she knows.

Part 14: The Final Level Difficulty Spike

As I have said countless times prior, I LOVE Lightning Returns' story but merely tolerate its gameplay. Nonetheless, I completed around 85% of the side quests and even unlocked the optional dungeon. I tried that dungeon, and upon discovering it was nothing but a series of linear corridors leading to the omega versions of every possible encounter, I noped right out of there and initiated the game's conclusion. The immediate consequence of my decision was that I ended up missing out on the game's best equipment and weapons, and those items would have greatly assisted in my late-game struggles as some of them give you ridiculous buffs like "Resistance to Physical Damage +100%" and "Increase ATB Refresh Rate By 10%." I mention all this because, going into the game's final act, I thought I was more than ready for anything the game would unleash. The preceding side quests gave me that sense as every enemy evaporated within seconds of me spamming no less than three to four moves. And yet, the last two levels of the game absolutely kicked my ass, and upon reviewing GameFAQs at the time of the game's release, I was not alone.

The good news is that the start of the conclusion is one of the better-done action set pieces short of the ending cinematic. Lightning endeavors to stop Vanille from performing the "Soul Song," knowing it would further Bhunivelze's goals of resetting the universe and erasing her sister from existence. She then runs towards the massive cathedral in Luxerion only to find it overrun by monsters. As she attempts to fight off a wave of enemies, she watches Noel, Snow, Sazh, and eventually, Fang join her effort to stop Vanille from sacrificing herself. When each character enters the stage, they perform fun and flashy finishing moves that we remember from the last time we saw them, and it is one of the few times when the game's fanservice felt entirely justified. There's even a fun bit when Fang temporarily tags along as an ally, and it is immediately noticeable how much faster you can progress through the church while she's there. Though you stop Vanille, the Apocalypse still happens thanks to a fake Hope descending from the heavens and transforming into Bhunivelze. That might sound crazy, but it doesn't even crack the top ten list of craziest things in this game. However, the best part about this revelation is Lightning's reaction. When presented with a battle against the god of creation, she shrugs it off and says something along the lines of "Well, if I have to kill God, then I guess I have to kill God."

While the subsequent boss encounter looks AMAZING, the battle itself is a colossal pain in the ass. Luckily, the game gives you a slight gimmie in the form of an optional dungeon right next to the entryway to Bhunivelze. It also spawns Mog, who sells restorative items at a massive discount. Unfortunately, unless you have memorized how to take advantage of the execution-based gameplay, that optional dungeon becomes not so optional as it provides Ultima Weapon. The problem is that you acquire this weapon by completing four sequential, similar-looking linear mini-dungeons that all play the same. While here, you run through stairs and narrow corridors that reek of OG Final Fantasy XIII's level design. Likewise, you constantly interact with the fiddly equipment menus because there are four dungeons. You have to create a set of three ideal set-ups for one journey and then tear them apart and start from scratch for the next dungeon because each level has a distinct quirk or element you need to utilize to get through it efficiently. It's a complete slog and downright malicious considering that the enemy encounters in front of you are virtually unavoidable because the corridors provide no wiggle room to sneak around them. Everything culminates with a mini-boss that either goes down very quickly if you mastered the Stagger System and have the appropriate abilities equipped, or it beats the ever-loving shit out of you. It isn't a great playing experience, but I recommend it if you are not playing the game on "Easy."

Then you have Bhunivelze. I mentioned how Bhunivelze and Caius are the two bosses that almost led to me quitting Lightning Returns, and there's a good reason for that. With Bhunivelze, you have another boss battle that boils down to picking up on uncommunicated windows of opportunity to block giant laser beams or floor-sweeping attacks. While that was undoubtedly frustrating with Caius, it's much worse with Bhunivelze because he has multiple forms. Each form sports a different cornucopia of attacks with additional frames of animation you need to note if you want to beat him and not meet an untimely demise. For some, that is easier said than done, but I am someone with vision issues, and as a result, I barely was able to get past Caius, and it took me HOURS to finally get Bhunivelze to go down for the count. The emphasis on execution-based gameplay and pattern recognition honestly frustrated me to no end because I took the time to invest in almost every side quest the game had to offer. Here, all that effort was virtually pointless because the crux of the battle relied more on me needing to double down on staggering and pattern recognition rather than exploring new trinkets from my exploratory adventures.

The first mode of Bhunivelze was never an issue beyond needing to pop a potion if I got too careless. However, starting with the second form, the game stacks the deck too much against the player. The second form would spawn damage-dealing goons and swap elemental forms that occasionally made my magical build utterly pointless. I know it's a sore point I keep bringing up, but it is wholly unacceptable you can only have four abilities attached to any given garb, and block commands need to occupy one of those ability slots. With the magical version of Bhunivelze, because I felt as if I was better off with one tank build, one DPS build, and one magic build, I never felt like I was able to have every element represented in my offensive arsenal. The third version, which is the proverbial physical attacking form, was equally annoying thanks in part to him having an "I'm charging up a 'Fuck You' laser beam attack, and you better learn how to block this shit, or else you are not going to finish the game," attack. In this case, because it is the third stage of a four-part boss battle, needing to go through TWO PHASES to get to this one form so I could learn the pattern sucked complete and total shit. And for the final version, it's a gimmick battle. Your attacks do virtually no damage until you stagger Bhunivelze, but it is unclear which abilities are optimal in making that happen.

And FUCK ME, but there's so much shit you need to look at and process on your screen when tackling the flashier bosses in this game! Every magical spell Bhunivelze summons fills the screen with indecipherable bullshit, leading to me taking more damage because I couldn't see shit and did not notice other enemies were fucking me up. You combine that with needing to look at Paradigms and the shitty oscillating wave-based Stagger Meter, and it simply is a cacophony of visual bullshit. Likewise, there's something about the Dragon Quest franchise's mantra, primarily led by Yuji Horii, that getting to the end of a game is not a matter of "if" but "when" that I desperately wish Square-Enix would cease viewing as a gameplay detriment. I know this will sound like "sour grapes," but I hope Square-Enix never returns to the boss design of the Final Fantasy XIII series. Every single one of these games has had some completely fucked final bosses that felt entirely unfair to the player. The Orphan boss in XIII and the Bahamut boss in XIII-2 all jump to mind, but I might as well mention the first battle against Barthandelus. You shouldn't have to fiddle with your party compositions, or character builds if you have reached the final boss. If you expect players to sink hours of their lives into a video game, you should have their well-being in mind in what you put in your video game.

Part 15: GOD BLESS SQUARE-ENIX! THOSE MANIACS STILL GOT IT!

Now, we have eaten our vegetables and can finally eat some cake. To double back to a previous talking point, when Cid Raines shows up in the magical spaceship Lightning lives in with Hope, shit starts to get weird. First, upon reaching the final in-game day, when Lightning arrives in the spaceship, she discovers Hope missing. When he re-appears, he reveals that he wasn't actually Hope and instead a "collection of memories" Bhunivelze cobbled together while she wasn't looking to give her false confidence that this mysterious god-like figure that IS OBVIOUSLY PLOTTING SOMETHING might be alright. He later becomes a conduit for the final summoning of Bhunivelze, but then the "real" Hope appears after you defeat him as Lightning ascends into the vacuum of space. Oh, right, did I mention that the ending cinematic of Lightning Returns takes place in space, and all of the action involves Lightning SUMMONING THE SOULS OF ALL WHO HAVE EVER LIVED TO CREATE A SPACE SWORD TO KILL GOD?! I also can't forget that Lightning's whole team is there to help her fight the god of creation. It's the ending of Gurren Lagann, but even crazier!

Before we get to that, I cannot emphasize enough that while the ending revels in the most excessive CG ridiculousness one would expect from the Kingdom Hearts franchise, it also extolls no less than THREE separate lectures about the banality of human nature. Right when Lightning defeats Bhunivelze, he bemoans Lightning's actions and justifies his by claiming he was trying to create a new universe free from hate and wickedness. Lightning rebukes him by saying humans are those negative emotions and tells him off for "not understanding the soul of humanity," as if this is a Persona game. She then stabs whatever weapon you are wielding in the ground and then attempts to drag Bhunivelze into the void of chaos. Lightning then becomes the reincarnation of Etro, the Goddess of Death, and exclaims that sacrificing herself to rid the world of Bhunivelze will be her last act. While shouting, "I will bring you salvation!" she summons balls of light and shoots a giant laser beam of white energy to throttle Bhunivelze into the abyss. But before the god of creation gets sealed away, Lightning also STABS HIM IN THE FACE so she can free Hope's soul to live in the new universe that got created.

The scene then juxtaposes to Hope, who beckons for Lightning in the dark abyss. However, Lightning attempts to ferry him to his new life, thus leaving her behind, by saying, I SHIT YOU NOT, "Go. It's a new world. A world of hope." The cutscene then shows us Hope's mother and father, whom we have not seen since the first game! Lightning explains that someone has to stay behind to prevent Bhunivelze from breaking free from his shackles, and she prepares herself to live in a realm where she is perpetually at war with him. This idea is incredibly fresh because, last I checked, there was a colossal dickhead who had no value for his life and was perfectly fine living a life away from modern society while fighting demons in perpetuity (i.e., Caius). The story can't have things end with Lightning living a life without happiness. Therefore, we see Serah on the throne of Etro, but this Serah reveals herself to be a fake. The doppelganger Serah lectures about "missing something" inside her, and the two have a one-minute conversation about soul theory and why emotions and feelings of pain are essential. This conversation is only two minutes removed from Lightning stabbing god in the forehead.

But that's not all! No, it's time for us to learn about the identity of Lumina! You see, Lightning had to raise Serah all by herself after their parents tragically died, as is usually the case for Final Fantasy protagonists. However, for Lightning to develop a newfound sense of independence, she rejected her true feelings and emotions many years ago, and this act caused a part of her soul to leave her. That part of her soul is Lumina, and when Lightning accepts Lumina back into her body, she becomes whole again and can exit the abyss of chaos. They do this by Lumina hugging Lightning as they cry magical tears of unfathomable sadness and combine to form a single person in a pseudo-Magical Girl transformation sequence. Think of when Kami fused with Piccolo but more anime. Also, Lightning's real name is Claire Farron, and Hope drags her out of the abyss, and they begin to explore the new universe created after the battle against Bhunivelze. We discover that Vanille and Fang have led the souls of the dead to be reborn, and Yeul is still alive. However, just as the characters start to chum it up while in space, Bhunivelze returns. Knowing that there is only one way to defeat him, Lightning calls upon the power of friendship and the souls of all of humanity and forges a sword that shoots a laser beam that kills god once and for all. This scene happened, and I'm so glad I saw it before my death.

In some ways, Lightning becomes beatified into a new god of creation, but there are other loose ends to address before Lightning can restart the universe. First, there's the issue of chaos, which Lightning allows, stating that it makes humans "human." Second, to prevent chaos from spreading or getting too out of control, Caius, now the god of death, and all but one Yeul, are tasked with fighting it back for eternity. Don't worry, Caius hand-picks one Yeul to act as Noel's squeeze after he promises to keep her happy for the rest of her new life. Then, everyone dies. Seriously. All the characters you know from the Final Fantasy XIII universe burst into balls of energy and, with smiles on their faces, they up and die. However, Lightning begins lecturing about all she's learned about life and human nature since the first game's events. As this speech happens, the screen shows some oddly familiar-looking celestial bodies. Eventually, that culminates with the camera panning over Jupiter's Great Red Spot before the camera shifts to Mars. Then, as the Sun rises, we see planet Earth. That's right. Lightning seeded Earth with life. She made it happen. She used a Super Sentai space sword to kill god to make Panspermia happen. And her final lecture? That dialogue isn't just for shits and giggles. That shit is directed at you as a reminder that the world of Final Fantasy XIII sacrificed itself so you could live your best possible life. Ancient Aliens are a bit of a JRPG trope, what with Xenoblade Chronicles using it as the crux of its worldbuilding since the onset, but this revelation somehow one-ups that. It's one of the most incredible things I have seen from modern Square-Enix, and I loved every minute.

I want to posit this question to those who hate Lightning or Final Fantasy XIII. What does it feel like knowing you are canonically a part of the Final Fantasy XIII universe? Final Fantasy XIII is inside you. How do you feel knowing Lightning sacrificed everything she knew and loved for you to live the life you live? Also, I can't help but think back to everyone that gave Square-Enix shit for the Lightning x Louis Vuitton promotion as a horrible example of selling out or shilling. THEY GOT YOU; it was a long con, and THAT SHIT IS IN-UNIVERSE! Lightning in that advertisement was just the game reminding you that she's real and we exist thanks to her! And we cannot forget the final epilogue where we see Lightning exit a train while carrying that same Louis Vuitton bag as she darts off into the sunset to live her new life in France! IT'S INCREDIBLE NONSENSE, AND IT'S THE BEST THING! Even if you hated Final Fantasy XIII and everything it represented in terms of the direction it took the Final Fantasy series or Square-Enix, you owe it to yourself to watch the ending of this game. It's that good.

Part 16: Should You Play Lightning Returns?

Yikes. I have presented this exact question with every one of my retrospectives on the Final Fantasy series, but this is the first time I dreaded needing to answer it. First, let's address the elephant in the room. This game is the conclusion of a trilogy, and that alone might prevent most from giving it a shot. If that's the sole reason you're hesitant to take any of my praises of this game to heart, then consider this "Machete Order" I have been stewing in my brain since I finished Lightning Returns. That order involves starting with XIII-2 and then going to Lightning Returns and treating the original Final Fantasy XIII like an optional spin-off prequel. When you stop and look at all of the twists and turns with how this sub-series ends, we can safely agree that Lightning Returns is where Square's heart always was regarding the story they wanted to tell with these characters. Still, the initial result was an unmitigated tire fire because it took them forever to generate the art assets for Final Fantasy XIII.

However, even if you go into Lightning Returns expecting a wacky anime adventure, it does not provide enough of that on a regular interval to make it your best option. If you want that from Square, your best options remain Final Fantasy VIII, Chrono Cross, and MAYBE Xenogears. Everything it fills in between its significant set pieces and story moments is filler. The nigh fifty fetch quests you can complete are filler. The out-of-place context-building missions when you first enter new levels are filler. The historical lectures you have with Lumina are filler. The slow walk and talk sequences where Hope barks at Lightning through an earpiece are filler. There's a lot of fluff in this game, and it does not help that vast swaths of it are technically uneven and outright unsound. The NPCs might as well be autogenerated assets you can buy in bulk from Epic, and the monotonous environments rarely pop out to the viewer. Often, Lightning Returns fails to meet the level of technical excellence expected of anything with its namesake by a thousand leagues. The rough technical edges and its use of the same menu-based equipment and battle systems as its predecessors, while significantly deviating from them in terms of its combat, make it feel like a game with an identity crisis.

Likewise, I must affirm that the way the game plays and controls will not be to everyone's liking. I came around to the game's fanservice-heavy notion of "dress up," but I must warn any potential buyers you can't do that as freely as you'd like. With so many of the game's more prominent roadblocks requiring you to be fully invested in its execution-based combat, outfits that allow you to engage in fun roleplaying often fall to the wayside in favor of min-maxed abominations. And that execution-based gameplay presents a massive barrier for those of you that struggle with dexterity games that require quick wits and even faster reflexes. Simply mistiming a single buff or debuff could spell immediate failure when you least expect it, and if that sounds like a bad time to you, think again about giving this game a shot. It will require you to develop plans to take advantage of specific elements or abilities to get to its end. Finally, if you don't like tearing apart everything you've painstakingly made in terms of character builds, this is not the game for you.

And yet, I loved this game. It tries its best to emulate the series' high points with half the time and half the budget. "Workmen-like" is the best way to describe Lightning Returns, but I don't feel it correctly gives the game or its creators enough credit. This game should not work. It's held together with duct tape and features the same characters in the same world that, up to the point of its release, had become a punchline on the internet. Despite that, it is the best game in the Final Fantasy XIII sub-series by a country mile. It is more fun than Final Fantasy XIII and revels in its sheer audacity leaps and bounds better than Final Fantasy XIII-2. It does more with less than its predecessors and even some mainline entries in the series. Never in a thousand years would I have imagined a universe where I felt some connection to Lightning or Snow after moaning about them being the worst-written characters in Final Fantasy XIII. However, here we are now, and I can safely say those stupid goofballs mean something to me. Besides a few examples, everyone feels more fleshed out and better than ever!

The peaks it achieves are worth seeking, even if you have no plans to play Lightning Returns. Watch the final cinematic and epilogue and just be gobsmacked at the sheer brass balls on the people that still have clout at Square-Enix and how they use it. Everyone who says Square-Enix has "Lost their touch!" or suggests, "They don't make games with stories like they used to," needs to be tied to a chair and forced to play this game. This game pines for and manages to reach the wackiness of Final Fantasy VIII's orphanage scene or Final Fantasy VII's moment at The Crater. The game is a tightrope act perched atop two skyscrapers trying to balance the risk-taking nature of Squaresoft's "Golden Age" with the free-wheeling sensibilities of modern Square-Enix. And I've got to be honest with you; it pulls that off. Some of you reading this blog have yet to play Lightning Returns, and I can honestly say your life would benefit from it being a part of your gaming lexicon. And as people on the internet like to say, if you play it, Lightning Returns will live rent-free in your head for the rest of your life. There's no possible way to forget Lightning Returns, and there are only a few games that can have that impact on people. So, fuck it, play Lightning Returns. If you do, your quality of life will improve, but I refuse to be held liable if that doesn't happen. And it is on that note another series draws to a close. Will I write another one of these retrospectives ever again? WHO KNOWS! Life is short. For my sake, try to have a good laugh once in a while!

Author's Note: This is the second part of a two-part series where I play and review every adventure game in GOG's "Free Games Collection." In the first episode, I reviewed the "modern" adventure games included in the package, and this time, I will check out the classic adventure games that currently and in the past have graced this program.

• Part 1: The Modern Games

But ZombiePie! What About Ultima Worlds of Adventure?

Nope! I'm plugging my ears. Seriously, I can't hear you. What? You're still yelling at me about Worlds of Ultima: The Savage Empire and Ultima: Worlds of Adventure 2: Martian Dreams? I thought I made myself very clear about how I felt about these two games during my first "Blogging About Failure" post in 2022. I have made no less than four efforts to complete both games, and each time, I get at least two to three hours deep before I reach a point where I become overwhelmed with the way equipment and inventory management work in the Ultima VI engine. While I spent much of my last blog giving GOG guff about incorrectly classifying some games as adventure games, I will defer to their judgment. Both of these games are RPGs, which is my primary excuse for skipping them.

At one point, Ultima V and VI made sense to me. The Vitruvian Man-like equipment screen and Richard Garriott's obtuse morality system were once systems I did not struggle to understand. But those days are long gone, and I don't have it in me to drill a hole in my temple and fill it with bespoke Ultima knowledge. I will warn those of you that might consider checking either of these titles out that the first game has some incredibly off-putting depictions of Southern American natives that you cannot avoid even the slightest bit. Likewise, while the second game is a more full-featured experience, the extra level of complexity in it leads to an even worse game. While Savage Empire strings together a series of incredibly basic fetch quests in the veneer of an adventure game, Martian Dreams bites off far more than it can chew, with you needing to combine and juggle items on top of interacting with Ultima VI combat.

Episode 2 - The "Real" Good Old (Adventure) Games On GOG

Dragonsphere (Apparently, This Isn't Free Anymore?)

What Is It?

Dragonsphere is rad. I played Dragonsphere ages ago and didn't have the most positive memory of it, but upon replaying it as an adult, I have since come around to it. The game was heavily advertised as a graphical marvel with proper 8-bit RGB color depth. The game's exquisite art style and vivid animations are still a delight to watch today. It is the third and FINAL adventure game from MicroProse Software, Inc. after they developed Rex Nebular and the Cosmic Gender Bender, as well as Return of the Phantom. All three of these titles run a custom in-house adventure game engine known as the "MicroProse Adventure Development System," which allowed for a more click-based approach to the SCUMM engine without completely gutting the verb–object grid like in Legend of Kyrandia or Loom. If you're wondering why MicroProse's jump into adventure games only spans three successful and well-reviewed titles, they sold their adventure game engine to Sanctuary Woods. Just as their adventure game division found its complete form, they left the market entirely. Upon selling its adventure game engine, the company pivoted into strategy and tactics games under the direction of Sid Meier and Brian Reynolds.

However, let's address the elephant in the room. When GOG first announced Dragonsphere was coming to its marketplace in 2011, it made the game a freebie. In 2015, Tommo Inc. bought the digital distribution rights to Dragonsphere and contracted Night Dive Studios to make an updated version. Still, the free GOG port remained available for some time afterward. Between 2015 and 2020, that free version of Dragonsphere disappeared, but I need help pinpointing the exact time when this happened. If you created a GOG account before 2015, you likely have a free copy of Dragonsphere sitting in your library waiting to be played. If that's the case, give this game a shot. Dragonsphere is a helluva Parthian Shot with a story that features wild twists and turns when you least expect them while also challenging you to always be on your toes. There's a wholeness to its world that is on par with the peaks of Sierra and LucasArts, and that's not histrionics. The realms of Dragonsphere each feature cultures that have obvious inspirations but feel different enough to feel like they are locations you've never experienced.

Hardest/Worst Puzzles

1. The Sprites Puzzle Before The Butterfly King - Dragonsphere's gravest sin is that its difficulty curve is that of a parabola that follows a positive quadratic equation. It has some gnarly puzzles that are among the game's most demanding at the start before it eases into a leisurely pace before forcing you into a gauntlet of instant death-causing bullshit. One of those early roadblocks is a pathway to a butterfly king blocked by sprites. To avoid an untimely demise, click the correct energy ball when it is the right color. The fairies all have names starting with the letters R, Y, or B and only tell truthful statements when they are the color that matches their name; thus, this becomes a process of elimination puzzle. The issue is that the balls of light float around the screen, making remembering which one is which all but impossible. There's a hedge on the bottom of the screen, and the orbs can float under this hedge and can become no longer visible to the player. Also, the window between the color transformations is short, and there was a period when I knew the correct sprite to unlock the gate was "Ralph," but I kept messing up the timing for clicking him while he was red.
2. Extinguishing The Lava That Guards The Evil Wizard - The initial task Dragonsphere gives you is to defeat a legendary evil wizard. When you reach the wizard's lair, you find the room leading to him is dangerously hot, given it has molten lava below its floor. The problem here stems from what you must use to get past this problem. First, you need to open a rat enclosure, find a dead rat, and freeze it into a popsicle. You then apply the frozen rat on the door to change its frame color from red to blue. You then use a severed octopus tentacle to grasp a portal to place it in your inventory before applying it to a window that allows you to divert water into the lava-filled room. If all of this seems utterly bizarre, it is, with the tentacle being something you collected hours ago and not used even once leading up to this point. Ultimately, this is a red herring puzzle with a line of logic you would only fully understand if you were the people who made it. It doubly does not help that using incorrect items at multiple parts of this sequence results in unexpected death and you needing to load up prior saves to abort disaster.
3. The Goddamn Gambling Mini-Game With The Caliph - There are five total locations in Dragonsphere: Gran Callahach, Brynn-Fann, Soptus Ecliptus, Slathan ni Patan, and the Hightower. One of these, Soptus Ecliptus, leads to a one-off level, the Spirit Plane, and also requires you to engage in one of the worst mini-games I have played in an adventure game. As you explore the seemingly endless desert dunes, you find an oasis with a Caliph who welcomes you with open arms. However, the Caliph has mission-critical items you can only unlock by playing a gambling mini-game wherein you bet on which color gems you'll pull from a bag. There's a scoring system based on the rarity of the gems, and you can lose a turn if you press your luck too hard. This mini-game is pure luck, and there's no notable strategy beyond continuing until you get all the required items from the Caliph. And did I mention you have to do this TWICE?! I won't spoil it, but there's a pretty spectacular plot twist in Dragonsphere that forces you to revisit all of the game's locations a second time, and it's incredibly clever until you have to play this dogshit mini-game again.

Recommendation: ABSOLUTELY, GIVE IT A SHOT (Even If It's Not Free Anymore) - Even if you don't have a free copy of this game, I think its current asking price of $6 is a steal for one of the better non-Sierra or non-LucasArts games to come out during the Golden Age of adventure games. Not only are the production values of Dragonsphere impressive to this day, but the game places a shocking amount of care into its worldbuilding and narrative. The mid-game plot twist is excellently done and worth a gander if you have never seen it. There are some troublesome sequences here and there, but for the most part, MicroProse struck an exciting balance between click-based gameplay and object-verb parser logic puzzles. Honestly, it's a damn shame the team behind this game and Return of the Phantom gave up on the genre as early as they did because they were doing things no one else was attempting at the time. Honestly, I could see myself taking the time to write a special for this game in the future.

Teenagent

What Is It?

Teenagent is a 1994 point-and-click adventure game from Polish developer Metropolis Software House which Adrian Chmielarz and Grzegorz Miechowski headed. If the former of those names sound familiar, Chmielarz would go on to form People Can Fly and The Astronauts (i.e., the makers of The Vanishing of Ethan Carter). Metropolis Software was one of MANY European adventure game studios that made a great deal of money making SCUMM clones and benefiting from the proliferation of home computers following the fall of the Soviet Union. During that time, you had Gremlin Graphics, Cryo Interactive, Arxel Tribe, Broderbund, and Teeny Weeny Games defining the classic "European-style" point-and-click adventure game, and Metropolis wanted in on that action. While a largely forgotten name today, Metropolis had a peak wherein they were a fairly well-known name in Europe after following Teenagent with The Prince and the Coward and Gorky 17. At one point, Metropolis bought the rights to make an adventure game based on The Witcher books but had stretched themselves so thin they could never finish it, and that failure drove them to the verge of bankruptcy. CD Projekt bought Metropolis in 2008, and the team that worked on the early prototypes of that game went on to develop art assets for The Witcher.

Notice how I have entirely avoided talking about Teenagent. The reason for that is simple: this game is downright bizarre. The only way its fantastical and screwball story makes sense is if you put yourselves in the shoes of Adrian Chmielarz and Grzegorz Miechowski, who have decided to start their own video game company less than three years removed from the fall of the Soviet Union. Teenagent's attempts to depict a "cool" Western-styled young adult makes perfect sense in that context, given how much of Eastern Europe was enamored by non-Societ sources of entertainment after being prevented from interacting with such media for decades. When you think of it as a byproduct of someone watching "Back to the Future" for the first time and thinking, "Wow! That Marty McFly is so counter-culture! He's so American! Isn't he cool?" it makes increasingly more sense. It's a snapshot of a period that is almost impossible to imagine, and for interested historians, it's a relic still worth exploring. But beyond that historical context-building exercise, this game is ROUGH and damn near impossible to recommend!

Hardest/Worst Puzzles

1. The Third Trial - Teenagent is downright quaint compared to other adventure games released in 1994. The game breaks into three distinct acts. The first occurs at a military base after the game's protagonist inadvertently signs up to become an undercover agent for an unnamed government. To gain clearance to attempt their first mission, they must pass three trials, the last of which is a genuine doozy. The Sergeant that is testing you reveals the final test is to find their secret hiding spot after they disappear in a puff of smoke. To do that, you need to collect crumbs from a table in a bar, combine a hand grenade with a rope, and use the grenade on a drawer in a different room. You then collect a bottle of pills which you then need to apply to the crumbs. You give the drug-addled crumbs to a bird you later pick up in a mud pit and eventually use on a radio in the bar. This action allows you to swap the bartender's beer mug with one filled with mud, which causes them to pass out and permits you to use the door to their storage room. Once there, you should notice one of the crates has a set of eyes peeking out of a hole which happens to be the Sergeant. Did I mention how weird this game is to play? Because that very problem plagues multiple puzzles in it from beginning to end.
2. Repairing The Boat In The Lake - During the game's second act, your character explores a multi-part villa near the evil lair of a supervillain developing a super soldier serum. Again, the downright bizarre steps you must perform to get into the villain's mansion make Teenagent challenging. It also does not help that some of the item combinations you need to input make virtually no sense. An example at the garden happens when you notice a boat with a broken paddle, and your character surmises that once repaired, it can be used to get to an island in the middle of a lake. To fix the paddle, you need to find a broken chainsaw and talk to a guard elsewhere until he hands you a piece of chocolate. Next, leave, then return to the guard but avoid him seeing you so you can spy on him drinking a bottle of whiskey before talking to him mid-animation, which results in him dropping the bottle. You can pick this bottle up, and when you apply it to the chainsaw, it repairs it, which you then use to cut a tree branch that you can apply to the broken paddle to fix it. It's a WILD sequence, the least of which involves you needing to pay attention to subtle character animations and perfectly calculating when to interrupt the guard to make him drop his alcohol. This is the only sequence in this game that requires this level of frame observation which makes knowing what you need to do with the guard impossible to figure out on your own. And don't get me started about using drinking whiskey to repair a chainsaw!
3. The Robot Safe Puzzle - Eventually, your character finds themselves in the mansion of the supervillain I mentioned earlier. You must acquire incriminating evidence of their nefarious super soldier program to defeat them, which is conveniently hidden behind a robotic safe. However, the robot will only open if you can prove that you are John Noty, the villain in question. You require a photo, a voice recording of Noty, and pair of used socks to complete this mission. You find a polaroid camera and dictaphone in a drawer in John Noty's room. The dictaphone requires batteries from a radio, necessitating you to swap a chef's chili bottle with a bottle of cognac in an incredibly fiddly and laborious sequence in a kitchen. The tape with a usable recording is found in a secret room in a library that you unlock, you guessed it, by pulling a random out-of-place book. When you use that tape on a television, you can apply the camera and dictaphone to the recording. For the socks, you need to find tongs in the kitchen which blend almost perfectly into the environment. Much like the puzzle before, nothing here is impossible, but it requires enough pixel hunting to feel like a slog.

Recommendation: EH, PROBABLY NOT - I want to give this game the benefit of the doubt, but I simply cannot. Teenagent is an oddity that will only appeal to those nostalgic for the late 90s style of European adventure games that tell wild and wacky stories and have bizarre puzzles to boot. No logical train of thought defines any of the game's puzzles. The historical context surrounding the game explains most of the creative decisions that plague it. However, suppose your favorite adventure game is Discworld or Discworld II, and you enjoy these sorts of experiences kicking in your teeth. In that case, it's easier to justify playing Teenagent with at least a guide on standby. However, beyond that, I can foresee no one else having a good time with this game.

Flight of the Amazon Queen

What Is It?

Flight of the Amazon Queen is a 1995 point-and-click adventure game that was originally released for the Amiga before coming to MS-DOS shortly after that. The Amiga version has no voice acting but better music, whereas the DOS version, which GOG uses, has voice acting but slightly worse music. The game came from the relatively unknown developer, Interactive Binary Illusions, which even built a custom in-house game engine for Flight of the Amazon Queen. In 2004 the MS-DOS version was released as freeware on ScummVM, which GOG uses. What is ADORABLE is the fact employees from Binary Illusions maintain, to this day, that they developed Flight of the Amazon Queen without having played Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis. They have even claimed that their game engine, JASPAR, was developed independently from SCUMM. As they put it, the only time Binary Illusions had heard of Fate of Atlantis was in a press release which they summarily dismissed as a "movie tie-in." The idea any part of this game was made without a single employee ever touching Fate of Atlantis is one of the funniest things I have heard in a long time. Fun fact, this is one of the handfuls of video games designed entirely using EA's Deluxe Paint software. So, at the very least, it's a beauty.

I mentioned earlier that developer Interactive Binary Illusions is a relatively unknown outfit. The reason for that is rather disappointing. If you decide to give the game a chance, you'll discover it ends with a title card that asks you to return for "The Next Adventure!" However, Binary Illusions never got a chance to make that sequel, even though it had been approved shortly after Amazon Queen's release. Renegade Software, the publisher for Binary Illusions and its partial owner, was sold to Time Warner Interactive. Warner promptly shuttered Binary Illusions, closed all its active game projects, and redirected all its employees to different game studios or labels at Time Warner. The hope of there ever being a continuation of this storyline is bleak. At least, that's what I thought. In January 2022, some of the game's original design team members announced a sequel, Return of the Amazon Queen. Not much is known about this project besides the teaser trailer that dropped last January, but that might be a thing you can look forward to in the future.

Hardest/Worst Puzzles

1. Making Lotion - The start of Flight of the Amazon Queen at the hotel makes a decent first impression and has some fun action-oriented moments that impressed me. Likewise, the game isn't a tricky proposition after the crash landing in South America. Its problem is that it needs to be shorter and faster. My core issue stems from you needing to hop between four distinct locals (i.e., the Crash Site, Flöda Camp, the Jungle, and Trader Bob's Shop), and each has anywhere between ten to fifteen screens to explore. For more than half of the game, you toil away at fetching one trinket or object from one of these locations and then either handing it over to an NPC or using it on a different object ten to twelve screens removed. In this case, you meet a handful of jungle explorers, and one of them has a rash that requires an ointment only a witch doctor near Trader Bob can make. The first of these ingredients involve wasps which you can collect using a vacuum cleaner you acquire through an earlier quest. After you nab the hornets, you can pick up an orchid which you either sell to Trader Bob or use on a sloth to prune some of its furs. The sloth hair is the second ingredient, and the third is a coconut you get from a monkey when you offer to trade it for a banana. The banana is at least ten screens removed from the monkey, and the witch doctor is at least double that from wherever you pick up your last ingredient. And THEN, you need to return to the guy who asked for the lotion in the first place! It's about as compelling as watching grass grow!
2. Defeating The Super Soldier In The Flöda Inc Camp - Aw, will you look at that! It's a game about finding forgotten treasures of the past, and it turns out the villains are Nazis! If I had the chance to press the people behind this game, I would immediately ask them about pretending they had never played Fate of Atlantis. The German factory sequence reeks of the Fist Path cave sequence in Fate of Atlantis. In both scenes, you need to deal with guards, but in the case of Amazon Queen, violence is not an option. You dispatch the first of these guards when you find a letter and deliver it to them, only to discover it's a "Dear John..." note that leaves them heartbroken and unable to perform their duties. Before dealing with the second one, you need to hand a banana to a chef, which allows you to pick up a can of dog food and aerosol cheese. The can opener is in an unmarked box in a storage room, five steps removed from the dog food. In an office space that foreshadows what you will be doing in the Valley of the Storms, observe a duty roster and then tell a different guard he's supposed to be on kitchen duty. As you might expect, the duty roster is five to six screens removed from the guard. Finally, you must find a science lab next to a kidnapped princess and pick up a serum labeled "super weenie serum." This vial is relatively challenging to find and must be applied to the can of dog food. You must then hand over this spiked can to the last guard, whom you promptly punch out before continuing your factory exploration. This part of the game is far more involved than it needs to be for what amounts to a series of puzzles that unlock doors. It does not help the entire factory repeats the same greyish background model with indistinct office spaces and storage rooms with hidden trinkets you'd only find after clicking every pixel. Yes, this is par for the course for a game of this era, but that doesn't entirely excuse the VAST distances between where you pick things up and apply them. Say what you will about King's Quest, but there's a snappiness with its pace that this game seriously lacks.
3. Getting The Green Jewel On Sloth Island - To further my case that Binary Illusions is full of shit, this game, much like Fate of Atlantis, ends with a monotonous labyrinth sequence wherein you must find ancient treasures to stop the Nazis from taking over the world. And just like the final levels of Fate of Atlantis, this part of the game completely sucks shit. Some screens you find employ odd perspective work like they are trying to emulate M.C. Escher. The worst part of this sequence comes when you need to nab a massive green emerald. The first step involves finding a tree root, using a knife on it, and collecting tree sap from it. The tree juice needs to be applied to a baseball bat, which you have not used in AGES, to pull the emerald from a specific vantage point. This tree root is no different from any tree roots you saw earlier that were simply background scenery. Worse, while your character typically automatically picks up items when you use objects on parts of the environment as part of puzzles, this is one of the rare times when that does not happen. You have to click the open gash on the root to pull tree sap from it. I forgot to do this during my playthrough and had to make a walk of shame back to the root. I was decidedly NOT HAPPY!

Recommendation: NO, HARD PASS - I did not enjoy my time with Flight of the Amazon Queen. The early phase of the game, relying almost entirely on back-and-forth fetch quests, slows its pace to a crawl. This issue is odd because this game tries desperately to emulate an Indiana Jones-inspired adventure. What's more, while Fate of Atlantis and the works of LucasArts have whimsical but memorable story moments and characters, nothing about the narrative or cast of Flight of the Amazon Queen feels especially noteworthy. Its tone is also all over the place. In one example, you watch characters lament a graphic death followed by the protagonist discovering a tribe of Amazon women that, and I cannot make this shit up, punish outsider males to "death by snu snu." The characters are mainly walking tropes, and much of what you experience comes across as a cheap facsimile of better games and movies. It's reminiscent of copying your homework from SparkNotes. This game has the basic motions of a good adventure game but lacks soul and is highly robotic.

Lure of the Temptress

What Is It?

Well, it's about fucking time I talk about something from Revolution Software! Somehow I have managed to examine LucasArts, Cryo, Presto, and Westwood on this site, but Sierra, Cyan, and Revolution have all dodged my puzzle-assessing magnifying glass. Yet, here we are with TWO of their earlier follies into the world of adventure games in this special. The first of these, Lure of the Temptress, was their first in-house game and served as a test bed for their proprietary Virtual Theatre engine that would define their style and approach to point-and-click adventure games. This engine did not just allow players to explore dialogue choices with a tremendous amount of nuance, but it also scripted every NPC into a walking route and dialogue routine. As a result, it would appear to the player as if the supporting characters were exploring their surroundings and interacting with each other unprovoked by the player. For example, if you park your character on any screen in a Revolution game of this era, you can organically watch NCPs walk in and out of the frame and talk about their daily goings or recent events. Revolution Software's Virtual Theatre engine was considered a monumental technical achievement and pushed the envelope regarding environmental storytelling. Moreover, Sierra and LucasArts considered it a legitimate rival to their Creative Interpreter and SCUMM engines, respectively.

Watching this system play out in action is always a delight. There's just one tiny problem regarding Lure of the Temptress and the early forms of Virtual Theatre. Because Revolution was attempting something groundbreaking with its game engine, the overall mission design and level design in Lure of the Temptress often took a backseat. Yes, Broken Sword eventually "got there" as a worthwhile experience from a pure gameplay perspective. However, lest we not forget about the dreaded "Goat Puzzle" in the first Broken Sword game or the sometimes bizarre tasks, the second game would string you along as well. Revolution Software knows how to tell a gripping story rooted in history or one that delves into darker and heavier themes. Nonetheless, you are unlikely to see ANY adventure game enthusiast praise them as being the best at doing puzzles or at any point exceed expectations in terms of overall game design.

This last point leads us to a different problem in Lure of the Temptress: this game is incredibly crusty. While you can certainly enjoy the architecture in it that would go on to create the best games Revolution would make in its history, it is not a particularly fun or compelling video game itself. The vast majority of your tasks are fetch quests which, on paper, are easy. However, a significant consequence of the characters running around the world in circuits is that simply delivering goods and materials to quest recipients, which this game asks you to do A LOT, is way harder than it needs to be. Maybe you need to hand a necklace to a maiden. If you are unlucky, they could be moving forward behind you while you infinitely chase after them in the wrong direction. Likewise, there's a companion system wherein you must order around one of three possible assistants to complete tasks and puzzles. This system eventually got tolerable in Beneath A Steel Sky, but it is downright infuriating in Lure of the Temptress. After giving orders, companions can get stuck, and if you or another NPC get in their way mid-route, their routine can break, and you will have to input your orders a second or third time. Finally, the story is as barebones as a fantasy game can get. There's an impressive cinematic at the start that lays out the foundation for an exciting premise, but it never congeals and only ends up resulting in a low-rent Lord of the Rings-inspired adventure at best.

Hardest Three Puzzles

1. Getting Out Of Jail - As if I wasn't already negative about this game, I want to talk about the dogshit first impression it makes during its opening act. As I said, the game starts with an incredibly impressive beginning cinematic that lays out the game's starting premise of an evil sorceress commanding an army of orcs to take over a kingdom after laying out a trap. Your character starts in jail following this coup and will need to break out before they can even consider ridding the world of this evil witch. They start in a jail cell and need to touch a torch to knock it into a pile of hay, so when a guard checks in on them, they become distracted by the fire, allowing you to run out and lock the guard. One HUGE issue: this puzzle has an incredibly unforgiving timing element. Even when you understand what the game is asking of you, inputting all of the commands with the time constraint is a colossal pain in the ass. Likewise, if you mistime starting the fire, you could be waiting upwards of two to three minutes for the guard to check on your cell! Not only that, but before the guard enters your character's jail cell, you need to migrate to an area of the screen near where the door swings to when the guard opens it, or else he is programmed to detect your character, and the puzzle resets. Again, it is a TERRIBLE starting puzzle!
2. Breaking Into A House To Use A Chemistry Apparatus - Now, I must grouse about the companion system! As I said, I know Revolution figured this shit out in the Broken Sword series, and I don't hate the robot in Beneath A Steel Sky as much as others do. BUT HOT DAMN, THE JESTER SURE SUCKS SHIT IN THIS GAME! Not only can you lose him and not know where the fuck he is, but the village where most of the game takes place often initiates dialogue sequences for him that you can't stop or interrupt. For example, when I needed him to pick a lock in an abandoned house, he started striking up a conversation with a beggar on the streets, and I was forced to listen to him talk to this NPC without any ability to stop him. I had to wait until I was allowed to play the game again. AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY PROBLEM! Once you get to the building, wherein you need to have him pick the lock, you need to pray that handing him the lock and him processing the command to pick the lock on the door goes without a hitch. The command system in Lure of the Temptress functions like a Zork text adventure parser. You start by selecting "Tell," then search a scroll-down menu for the Jester, then search for "Use," and then fan through the menu until the lockpick appears before going through these menus three more times to connect the lockpick to the door in question. It's a lot of fiddle-fucking around with menus, let me tell you! So, when I found out I was too close to the door for him to process my request or a random NPC wanted to talk to him, which immediately ruined his routine; I wanted to punch out my computer monitor. WORSE, when you finally get into the house, you find out there's a timed chemistry puzzle in the building with you reading a note with a recipe, and you needing to make that recipe in three minutes. It's a cavalcade of pure pain!
3. Exploring The Cave With Goewin - I cannot emphasize enough how much I hate how companion commands work in this game. So, lo and behold, we have the puzzle that acts as the culminating end goal of that very system. After completing no less than six fetch quests, you discover that the herbalist at the village, whom you recently broke out of prison, knows of a tonic that permits you to visit a legendary dragon that knows the one way to defeat the evil sorceress. The dragon is sleeping in a dangerous cave, revealing itself to be a door-opening puzzle wherein you and the female herbalist need to take turns flicking switches so you can enter the final room. As an example, I'll describe how you move from the cave's first room to the second one, and you need to imagine doing this once more to understand why I put this puzzle here. First, you must find two levers with skulls and pull the right one to open the door to the second green cave. While there, you need to tell the Herbalist, Goewin, to "Go to - the cave entrance - to pull - the left lever." In the sentence in the previous quotation, each "-" represents the start of a new command you must find and select in a menu. If you input everything correctly, the door to the blue cave should open. Enter the blue cave and then pull the left skull to allow Goewin to catch up to you, and you need to do the same sequence to get into the final chamber once more. Oh, and before you get to the dragon, there's a combat sequence, and every fight in this game controls like refried cow manure. Likewise, when you are done fucking around with the dragon, you must complete the cave door puzzle, but in reverse order!

Recommendation: AVOID THIS GAME LIKE THE PLAGUE - Hey, do you get the sense I'm not the biggest fan of this game? Please don't take my word for it; when this title went up on GOG for $0, it immediately became one of the lowest-rated point-and-click adventure games on the entire marketplace. At the time of its release, it was heralded as a technical achievement which I in no way want to suggest was invalid. However, this game feels like an early prototype of something Revolution would go on to perfect two games later. Even if you want to see what some of their earlier experiments with Virtual Theatre were like, I recommend avoiding this game and sticking with Beneath A Steel Sky. In the latter's case, you at least have a video game with greater storytelling ambitions beyond "WE MUST KILL THE EVIL WITCH!" and rarely do you feel like it is buckling under the pressure of its engine, which is a genuine problem with Lure of the Temptress. It is a scant three to five hours if you do wish to give it a shot, but I urge using a guide as there's a ton of pixel hunting, and I doubt any of you want to be stuck running around in circles trying to chase after quest givers or recipients.

Beneath A Steel Sky

What Is It?

Of the many free games on GOG I have reviewed, Beneath A Steel Sky is by a country mile the most important. The game did wonders to set Revolution apart from its competition. While Lure of the Temptress set out the foundations of Revolution's Virtual Theatre engine, Beneath A Steel Sky is when they finally put all of those pieces together AND decided to give a shit about telling a story with supporting worldbuilding to boot! Beneath A Steel Sky also is a collaboration with comic book artist Dave Gibbons, best known for his work with Alan Moore. This decision showed they were willing to spend the money necessary to punch in the same weight class as LucasArts, Cyan, and Sierra. While the three layers of the sprawling city in Beneath A Steel Sky seem quaint by today's standards, in 1994, it was a sprawling playground with no equal. Also, as I suggested earlier, the rougher edges of Lure of Temptress are mostly tamed, with the robot helper in this game often performing tasks automatically or the game doing most of the heavy lifting for you with commands needing to be found in its dialogue system without too much difficulty.

Unfortunately, Beneath A Steel Sky is INCREDIBLY FLAWED. If I were making my best Matthew Rorie impression, I'd even go so far as to call it "Half Good." That sounds like blasphemy, but the story completely falls apart when you get to the city's third floor. Mechanically, the game becomes an absolute bore, with you spending most of your time moving up and down the three floors of the city using elevators. I don't hate the kangaroo court scene that comes out of nowhere as much as most, but the sequence involving the wealthy widow with the pampered pitbull is groan-inducing at best. The game's ending is a complete mess, if not an outright disaster. The story becoming a body horror sci-fi flick brought to you by David Cronenberg and then transitioning into an utterly unearned father-son emotional reunion has never sat well with me. The big reveal of what LINC is and why it has been chasing after the protagonist is downright terrible. Even then, the game can never decide on what tone it wishes to strike, whether it be a mature sci-fi epic or a chummy buddy cop film. Oddly enough, there's a reason why the game feels like it exists in an awkward middle ground between a Beverly Hills Cop and Blade Runner film. Revolution's founder and this game's director, Charles Cecil, wanted the game to be darker. At the same time, the writer and person in charge of the dialogue, Dave Cummins, preferred taking notes from the works of LucasArts. The rest of the staff sought a middle ground and deferred to see which of the two would win out in the next project. If you were wondering, Dave Cummins would leave Revolution and the games industry entirely after Broken Sword II.

Hardest Three Puzzles

1. Destroying The Electric Plant - Unlike Lure of the Temptress, Beneath A Steel Sky starts with a bang with your protagonist, Robert Foster, in the middle of a chase sequence and desperately trying to evade a pursuing police officer. Eventually, Foster will find himself on the top floor of the sprawling city, representing the lowest class of that urban society. There, he notices a factory run by a malicious robber baron. While in the factory, you need to spawn your robot companion in a new body, direct them into a storage room, and quickly dart to a window to observe them in the room. You'll be able to see them next to a fuse box which you must order them to tamper with and then run inside the storage room to steal some putty. Likewise, you use a spanner in a machine with cogs to cause it to jam before retrieving it again. Next, you need to locate a power plant on the leftmost portion of the top floor. You need to use the spanner on a new fuse box in this power plant to open it and then ask Joey, the robot, to join you in pushing two buttons in tandem. Finally, you remove a lightbulb before replacing it with putty to make the entire power facility blow up. There's a bit of fiddly timing associated with different parts of this puzzle, ranging from needing to run towards the window with Joey still in a room or you needing to time your button presses in the power plant. None of those elements are fun, but they pale compared to the weird moments where you pixel-hunt for stuff you would never know to pick up in a blind run. The putty is next to impossible to tell apart from the ground texture, and the lightbulb doesn't jump out as an interactable quest item, and this is a common problem with a LOT of games by Revolution.
2. Getting Anita's ID Card - I don't want to suggest anything in Beneath A Steel Sky even remotely approaches the Goat Puzzle in Broken Sword, but the spirit that led to its creation exists in Beneath A Steel Sky. Needing to fuck around with the wealthy widow and her dog using dog biscuits and a makeshift seesaw reminds me of the worst we have seen of Revolution Software. It does not help that part of this puzzle requires you to use a videotape you steal from the wretched factory owner, which like other quest items, is almost impossible to find unless you have the adventure game habit of clicking everything on a given screen. Likewise, using a videotape to distract a dog so you can steal a dog biscuit you eventually use to trick it into standing in place on a seesaw is the kind of adventure game logic that I point to as driving this genre into near extinction. Finally, this is another puzzle where the Virtual Theatre engine can rear its ugly head. Miss Pierdman and her beloved pooch have a massive route they like to run before they end up at the one spot where you can fling her mutt into the air. If you are incredibly unlucky, this could involve you waiting upwards of five minutes for her to end up on the one screen you need her to be for this particular puzzle. Luckily, everything that happens after that, wherein you get some foreshadowing with the androids and discover the dead body of Anita, are easy enough and well-done storytelling moments.
3. Using The Fake Internet To Get The Helix - Oh, hey! It's another game from the early 90s with a comically outdated notion of how to depict the internet in the future! I know there are a few who like this game bound to get wound up about my slight negativity about it, but I dare any of these people to defend the internet levels! The worst one, BY FAR, happens near the end of the game when you need to acquire a special computer command that can ruin the horrible computer controlling people's destinies. My first issue stems from the finicky timing of freezing the giant eyeballs, which can kill your avatar and cause you to boot out of the internet. For some eyes, you have a generous window, whereas, with others, it's just a few seconds. Second, you have multiple ID Cards; some have internet commands that others do not, and specific roadblocks require specific ID Cards. Worse, this part of the game feels partially built with some redundant orders never getting used, a handful only needing to be used once, and three to four that require repeated use. This lack of coherence makes roadblocks like a knight in a suit of armor or a unique computer program stuck in a block of ice significant barriers to progress because you don't know whose online profile is required.

Recommendation: MAYBE GIVE IT A SHOT - Did I spend most of this entry grousing about Beneath A Steel Sky? Sure, but the lion's share of those of you with even the slightest bit of appreciation for the adventure game genre should, at the very least, attempt to play it once in your life. I made the case of this game being "half good," but the half that provides a quality experience is incredible. Exploring the gritty slums of the game's massive industrial city with an almost endless amount of dialogue to experience is astounding for a game dating to 1994. The story is a hot mess, but the game always continues to provide exquisite-looking backdrops. In many ways, it represents a vital jumping point into the creative heights of Revolution Software before their monumentally successful Broken Sword series found its stride. You can see all of the creative lessons that would go on to inform the design for that series' best moments in Beneath a Steel Sky. Like a famous author who does not find their "voice" until their third or fourth book, you can't get too mad at Beneath A Steel Sky's MANY mistakes considering Revolution would hone their craft to a science. This game might be messy, but it's still a work of art.

Introduction

As I jump back into my coverage of questionable adventure games in 2023, I have started to experience an issue. While I have no problems playing adventure games or streaming them, I'm increasingly struggling to find games that warrant my standard coverage style. I might be the only person in Giant Bomb history with a vast knowledge of Myst clones, and while I would love to cover all of them, it would be a pointless exercise. If my previous adventure game blogs have proved anything, people don't enjoy reading me map out twenty-step directional inputs when moving from one point to the next. Unfortunately, most adventure games that fall into my "brand" slip into that territory. As a result, I will attempt something different for this mini-series, wherein I check out all of the free traditional point-and-click and narrative-based adventure games you can play on GOG. Specifically, I'm talking about the games included in GOG's "Free Games Collection."

Plenty of goodies are in this package, but only some titles conceivably deserve a dedicated write-up. As such, I am starting a two-part series wherein I look at the modern and classic adventure games you can check out after downloading the whole thing. But before we jump into that, I need to air a few disclaimers. First, if you try to filter games on GOG's website outside of this URL I linked in the first paragraph, you'll notice most of the free games on their marketplace are simply demos. Likewise, a few titles simply bestow the first episode of an episodic series, which put me in a weird spot we will address later. For now, I'm not reviewing free demos. I'm only playing games, with one slight exception, that are standalone titles or experiences. Furthermore, rather than meticulously break down every puzzle in each game, I'm only going to detail up to the three worst before ending with a final recommendation. However, before we can get into that, let's review a few disqualifications.

Disqualified Games (i.e., Genres Are Weird)

Dink Smallwood

For whatever reason, GOG classifies Dink Smallwood as an "adventure game" and even prioritizes that genre over the "role-playing" tag for search and categorization on their database. I disagree with that and consider Dink Smallwood an action role-playing video game. It has adventure elements; there's no doubting that, but so does Diablo, Titan Quest, and ANY isometric action role-playing game. The game is not without its merits. It's a broadly humorous Diablo-like that does a lot with little. It's also worth noting that while the game is part of GOG's "Free Games Collection," it was first made freeware way back in 1999 after its original developer, Robinson Technologies, sold all physical copies of the game and announced it had no further plans to commercialize the game in the future. If you want to play a Diablo-like version of The Bard's Tale with a much more homebrew edge but free from a corporate launcher, the internet is your friend.

Treasure Adventure Game

Honestly, I am surprised that neither @mento nor @imunbeatable80 have played and assessed Treasure Adventure Game on the site. This game seems right up their alley. Nonetheless, with Treasure Adventure Game, we have another case of GOG incorrectly prioritizing its genre tags as it is more of an adventure platformer than anything else. That may sound weird, considering I will review Fall of Porcupine later in this blog. However, in the grand scheme of things, Fall of Porcupine had more of the expected adventure game conventions and fell in line with Night in the Woods. In contrast, Treasure Adventure Game is caught somewhere in the midpoint of a spectrum where Fez and Super Meat Boy occupy opposite ends. Either way, it wasn't something I felt equipped to assess for my purposes.

Martial Law

Is Papers, Please an "adventure game?" Or is it a narrative puzzle game? Your answers to those questions determine where you stand about including Martian Law for a blog or feature like this. Martial Law is a fascinating narrative piece that seeks to convey life in Poland during the Soviet Union. It's only about twenty-five to thirty minutes long, but it sports a variety of possible endings that marginally extend your playtime if you actively try to seek them. There aren't any traditional puzzles to speak of, but its use of dialogue choices and moral dilemmas while trying to provide a snapshot in a vastly underreported era of history is more than admirable. To return to the topic of Papers, Please, if that game resonated even slightly with you, Martial Law, with its low barrier to entry, is worth exploring.

Episode 1 - The "Modern" Free Adventure Games On GOG

Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft

What Is It?

Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft, is the first episode of a series of modern interactive fiction works from developer Bit Golem, whom most people remember as the outfit that made Ultimate Fishing Simulator. With Dagon, you get a free 3D retelling of the similarly named short story from H. P. Lovecraft condensed into a thirty to forty-minute experience. The game will plop you into an environment, have a narrator read lines from the source material, and direct you to either search for hidden Easter Eggs or continue to the next scene. There is no free movement. Instead, you move the camera around and use your mouse to zoom in on objects and parts of the environment to search for those secrets I mentioned earlier. Most of the time, you need to find an article of clothing folded in the background or a piece of furniture and click on your mouse to zoom in on it before it unlocks an optional reading that fills in the story's historical context.

The best way to describe Dagon, and its accompanying episodes, is to call it an interactive visual novel. However, even if I accept it for what it is, I have a few issues with this project. First, the narrator sounds flat and needs more emotion, which is problematic when the game attempts to showcase some of its more ambitious visual set pieces. There was even a brief spot at the start where I thought Bit Golem was using a text-to-speech engine. Second, finding hidden secrets is incredibly fiddly. For some, you need to zoom the camera on them, whereas, for others, you can immediately click them. The use of these as a game mechanic is also debatable. If I am going into any of these episodes with the hope of getting the definitive version of these stories, needing to fan through basic 3D backgrounds while furiously clicking on stuff hurts the flow of the story. If people want to know everything there is to know about Dagon, then let them have it! A better format would have been what Valve did with their Director's Cut commentaries for The Orange Box.

Hardest/Worst Puzzles

1. The Collectibles (All of Them!) - Given the game's format, it comes down to those collectibles. You'd likely get frustrated if you make even the slightest effort to seek out every goodie or hidden object in the game. As I already stated, for many of these optional objects, you need to find random things and then click to zoom on them to make a glyph appear that you click again. It's not a great feeling. Most of the hidden objects feel like glorified pixel hunts. Worse, the game relying on these objects also means the environments feel incredibly limiting. Instead of interacting with horrible eldritch abominations or other NPCs, you're stuck scanning for collectibles that have nothing to add but summary writings brought to you by SparkNotes.

Recommendation: MAYBE GIVE IT A SHOT - Dagon is meant to be a love letter to those who adore everything Cthulhu and Lovecraft. Dagon promises to be a "100% faithful adaptation of the original story," and it delivers on that promise. Is that enough to make the episodes that cost money a worthwhile proposition to people who enjoy the works of H.P. Lovecraft? I don't think so. All the Easter Eggs I mentioned add are excerpts of information that feel like abbreviated articles from Wikipedia. Taking the effort to discover everything each episode has to add doesn't provide new interpretations you were unaware of if you are a fan of Lovecraft's works. Likewise, while these articles are happy to discuss Lovecraft's struggles with drug abuse and mental health, there's no mention of him being a horrible racist. But ultimately, your ability to overlook the underutilization of the environments, fiddly collectibles, and the fact it brings nothing new to the table depends on how much you enjoy or support the works of H.P. Lovecraft.

Fall of Porcupine: Prologue

What Is It?

Fall of Porcupine is a story-based adventure game in the style and spirit of Night in the Woods. Much like Night in the Woods, it utilizes hand-drawn background and character models and mixes platforming, puzzle solving, and mini-games in-between character-based story moments. The subject with Fall of Porcupine is that you control a doctor named Finley, who has recently finished their residency and is starting their first full-time medical job as a general practitioner or internist. On the story front, Fall of Porcupine mixes commentary about the state of the medical profession and its many insurmountable challenges with slice-of-life comedy and fantastical self-reflections. Near the end of the free prologue, which you can get on various digital marketplaces, and not just GOG, it teases a thematic shift towards a darker mystery. I will not spoil this "twist," but I will say that while I started to tire of the game as it felt increasingly listless, the twist at the end did enough to get me back on board with the finished product, which is slated for a Q2 2023 release.

We should address the "Prologue" portion of this game's title, considering I started this blog by saying I was not playing demos. We still do not know what shape or form the "full" game will take. For all I know, it could utilize the episodic format that Kentucky Route Zero took, or it might be a full-fledged release with no additional DLC or episodes. What you get with Fall of Porcupine: Prologue is a one to two-hour vertical slice the developer has stated is the game's introduction. It stops at a perfect spot and feels a lot like the pilot of a new television program. This prologue doesn't beat you over the head with a time limit, and you can interact with every NPC or object that surrounds Finley without fear of reprisal. You also get a clear understanding of how the game will play, and as a result, it feels enough like a standalone product that I thought it was worth including in this mini-series.

Hardest/Worst Puzzles

1. Using Mastermind To Make Medical Diagnoses - HOLY SHIT, I hope the developers of Fall of Porcupine reconsider some of these mini-games! To make you feel the doldrums of being a doctor in a dilapidated and highly neglected medical facility, Fall of Porcupine has you complete an assortment of mini-games while performing the essential duties of being an internist. As we will review shortly, some of these mini-games will likely remind you of Trauma Center. However, one of my least favorites was the version of Mastermind you play when figuring out new hospital residents' ailments. It's not hard, but needing to play the same plodding mini-game every time I have to make a diagnosis does not have me leaping with joy. Part of what the game is trying to accomplish is how dysfunctional and exhausting it is to be in the medical profession. However, having THE MOST vanilla-ass process of elimination puzzle communicate that point is a massive misstep because it's so predictable you can quickly burn through them and miss that point entirely.
2. The Trauma Center-Inspired Mini-Games When Performing Medical Procedures - If you play Mastermind to diagnose patients, then what do you do when you need to help them get healthy? Why Fall of Porcupine makes you play an onslaught of Quick Time Events! Whenever Finley needs to perform a medical procedure, a random series of button prompts will appear on the screen. You must click and hold each button prompt as it appears until the entire sequence is held together for a few seconds before a new sequence plays. You perform this controller or keyboard-based limbo act at least three times before completing a procedure. The comparisons to Trauma Center write themselves, but at least Trauma Center has a variety with its mini-games and what it expects you to perform. Fall of Porcupine uses the same mini-game type for almost everything, and that dulls the impact of its message of its characters being overwhelmed with tasks they barely feel capable of performing. There's no sweat-induced tension like with Trauma Center, which feels like a missed opportunity.
3. The Bar Fight Fighting Mini-Game - This mini-game came out of nowhere and stuck out like a sore thumb. While Finley and his friends hang out in a bar, they get into a fight with another patron. This tussle plays out like a Kongregate flash game, with you able to attack, block, and use a special move. I tried this mini-game about three times and lost each time, and I suspect that is what the game wants. However, thematically, it feels schlocky and comical at a point when the game is trying to be self-reflective and meditative. I hope the developers understand they don't need to force interactive elements like these during long storytelling breaks in the game's final version. Just let the characters be.

Recommendation: SURE, GIVE IT A SHOT - For those who enjoyed Night in the Woods, I think you should give this prologue a shot to see if the final product seems like something you'd like to see in the future. Admittedly, it's far from perfect, and I hope the developers take the input they are receiving from this prologue to heart. However, at slightly north of one hour, anyone interested to see the complete game will figure that out by the time they roll credits with this first episode. You get a perfect gauge of who the characters are and what their initial internal struggles might be.

Delores: A Thimbleweed Park Mini-Adventure

What Is It?

Alright, Delores: A Thimbleweed Park Mini-Adventure is a weird thing requiring some explanation. This "Mini-Adventure" is a prototype Ron Gilbert and his team made while tinkering around with the custom game engine they created for Thimbleweed Park. It is NOT a proper sequel to Thimbleweed Park and lacks much of the polish that made Thimbleweed Park one of the highlights of 2017 when it was first released. You will not find voice acting, and the story doesn't kick in until the end. What it does have are original art assets explicitly made for this prototype, and its mission structure is certainly unorthodox compared to the original. The premise of this game is that you control Delores Edmund, as she works as a photographer for the Thimbleweed Nickel News. The newspaper's editor provides her with a checklist of five photographs she wants Delores to take, but the assignments are in riddles. There are thirty to capture, but after collecting five, you need to quit the game and reload it before it provides Delores with her next assignment. For those who have played Thimbleweed Park, this makes a lot of sense and is EXACTLY what you think.

After publishing this game for free, Ron Gilbert has since used it as an on-ramp for those who have yet to play or purchase Thimbleweed Park. As I will review at the end, I could not disagree more with that decision. Delores: A Thimbleweed Park Mini-Adventure is trying to do things gameplay-wise that are different enough from the original game that playing it does not build a sense of competency with its mechanics or engine. Likewise, this mini-adventure is more challenging and rougher than Thimbleweed Park because it is trying to do things outside the purview of its engine and development team. Also, and this is the bigger problem, it spoils the plot revelation in Thimbleweed Park, which is the soul of that game and its characters. You should, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, play this before you play the original game!

Hardest/Worst Puzzles

1. A Story On Demolition - Ron Gilbert LOVES using fetch quests, and we have known that to be the case for almost forty years. Something I wish to add as a positive about this prototype is that Gilbert's team experimented with having more than one possible solution to puzzles, and this is one of a handful of examples. Unfortunately, given the game's reset-focused nature, you often must perform the same tasks more than once. In this case, you must help Delores's sister, Lenore, take up a job at a bank, which is a task you perform at least two times. You do this by examining a notice that the bank is closed and handing that notice to Lenore. Once inside the bank, you pick up a "dangerous dövice" and need to find a way to charge its batteries. You can use a screwdriver on a radio or an electrical plug to accomplish that. Once set, you can use the device at the top of a hill and photograph a radioactive crater. It's far from impossible, but needing to pick the same objects repeatedly is such an annoyance.
2. A Story About President Thomas Jefferson - I feel like the lack of clarity with this puzzle is a clear-cut case of this game being a prototype. When you get the task of finding a photo for a story about Thomas Jefferson, your first thought might be to go to the library and find a book about him. You'd be wrong, and that seems ripe for an alternate puzzle solution the team behind this project was apt to include elsewhere. Instead, you need to pick up a bottle next to the fortune teller's shop, hand the bottle to a different store owner to collect a nickel, and photograph the nickel. I have yet to play a single game by Ron Gilbert that didn't have at least one puzzle that was a little too fond of red herrings, and this game doesn't buck that trend.
3. A Story About Allergies - This task is, BY FAR, the worst in the game and I cannot believe they recycled this mission from the original game. I hated it there, and I hate it here! Your mission here is to show how the air quality in Thimbleweed Park has worsened thanks to a spike in allergens and recent industrial activity. You do that by picking up dust specs until you have ten to photograph a complete dust ball. There are two problems. First, the dust specs are exactly one pixel big and are sometimes easily obscured by objects in the foreground or background. Second, these dust specs randomly spawn and do not have fixed locations. Because items do not carry over between playthroughs, you can only collect these dust particles when the game provides the appropriate mission, which means you'll likely have to resort to aimless wandering until you gather enough to complete this particular task.

Recommendation: MAYBE CHECK THIS OUT - Once again, I stand by my firm exclamation that anyone who has yet to play Thimbleweed Park should avoid this outing until AFTER they play the base game. While the ending of this mini-adventure is brief and far from explicit, it does enough to peel away the mystique and shock factor of the original. This point must mean this game is an easy recommendation for people who love Thimbleweed Park, right? Well, here's the issue with that. While I think most fans of Thimbleweed Park will be able to discern "the deal" with this game, it doesn't add or go deep enough to make it an essential companion piece. Its difficulty curve and occasional rough edges make it an awkward project when placed next to its predecessor. That's not to suggest that you won't be able to have a good time with it, but you have to adjust your expectations and understand it is a prototype that likely will never become a full-fledged commercial title.

Samorost 1

What Is It?

Samorost (i.e., Samorost 1) is the first title from Amanita Design, the developer behind games like Machinarium, Botanicula, and Chuchel. Amanita figurehead Jakub Dvorský created Samorost while they were still a student at the Academy of Arts, Architecture, and Design in Prague. The game is short and largely simplistic, with you needing to assist a gnome in avoiding a collision between their home planet and a spaceship. As you explore different backdrops and environments, you use musical and environmental clues to figure out how to move from one screen to the next before finally resolving the game's core conflict. This game initially came out in 2003 but was remastered in 2021 to update its graphical fidelity to make it capable of playing full screen on modern monitors. The remaster also redid the music to make specific musical cues and hints easier to detect. As is the case with everything Amanita Design has made since this title, it emphasizes clicking and interacting with the objects, creatures, and people on your screen. However, there are non-verbal tells with every task the game presents which has been Amanita's modus operandi since its inception.

Hardest/Worst Puzzles

1. Getting Past The Anteater - I have never been the biggest fan of Amanita Design, primarily due to my growing tiredness of their approach to puzzle design. Whenever you get stuck in one of their games, I advise clicking everything on the screen until the game lets you move forward. That's the case with Samorost 1, but an early game design struggle for them stemmed from your sense of distance or place. An example of this occurs near the penultimate screen in the game when you need to direct an ant toward an anteater blocking the entrance to an engine room. I figured out how to lead the ant to the creature, but it took me time to realize I had to be within a given distance of the creature for it to begin eating the insects to prevent it from eating my gnome character. It's not game-breaking by any means, but there are circumstances where you need to be within an uncommunicated cone of visibility with enemies and hostile targets before you can interact with them. I'm delighted they mostly got past that in later titles.
2. The Engine Room - Amanita Design has bumbled with the landings of its games since its foundation. For them, they always seem to struggle with finding a balance between continuing their welcoming sense of whimsy and ratcheting up the stakes as you near the end of their games. With Samorost, there's something anti-climactic with going through one creative psychedelic landscape after another, only for that to culminate in a drab grey industrial engine room. You get the sense that Jakub Dvorský may have been a bit out of his element because the legibility of this environment is vastly worse than the rest of the game, with you needing to adjust knobs and valves to send the spaceship I mentioned earlier away from the gnome home planet. Yes, the game has signs and clear indicators of what each valve needs to be set to, but the markings on everything are monochromatic to a fault. If you have vision problems or even colorblindness, I can foresee the final sequence of this game presenting some insurmountable barriers.

Recommendation: SURE, GIVE IT A SHOT - I'm not a stalwart fan of the works of Amanita Design. Still, I have to give this game props for being short and providing an incredibly accessible snapshot of what to expect with every game they make. At $0, if you have yet to check out their works, there's no better on-ramp for gauging if their games will tickle your fancy than the first Samorost. Sure, Machinarium and Botanicula are better games, but the core of what to expect from Amanita Design is still here. Also, Samorost 1 is a historical watermark that proves how much the studio has evolved and grown. Returning to this one is worthwhile if you have only played their later works and consider yourself a fan.

CAYNE

What Is It?

Cayne: A Stasis Story (i.e, CAYNE) is a standalone prequel to the 2015 horror adventure game, Stasis which was developed by The Brotherhood Games and published by Daedalic Entertainment. CAYNE is a free jumping point to discover if The Brotherhood's style of isometric point-and-click adventuring is your cup of tea. The Grammarly Editor desperately wants me to change "a free jumping point" into "an accessible jumping point," and I cannot in good conscience do that. Brotherhood Games pride themselves in making horror-themed games that are unflinchingly bleak and revel in depicting Kafkaesque downward spirals into hellish realities. Cayne is no different, with its story detailing the adventures of a woman who, at the start of the game, attempts to get an abortion, only to end up kidnapped and at the whims of an evil cult that mysteriously needs her to birth her child. An omnipotent voice speaks to the protagonist and slowly attempts to convince her, as she attempts to escape the torturous science facility she is in, not to follow through with the abortion. I should mention all of this is played "straight," and Stasis was equally discomforting with the events of its story, with one scene, in particular, sticking out to me as one of the most macabre I have seen in a modern video game. Neither game starts with a content warning, but HOT DAMN, should they!

Cayne and Stasis, to me, at the very least, highlight a reckoning or cause célèbre for modern horror adventure games. The enduring legacy of Sanitarium continues to be undeniable, with The Brotherhood actively citing it as a reason why they got into games development in the first place. While plenty of traditional adventure games pre-dated it, Sanitarium's style, storytelling structure, themes, and gameplay continue to exist as vestigial DNA in most modern horror point-and-click adventure games. With Cayne, most puzzles require reviewing tomes of knowledge and computer terminals for clues and hints on unlocking lockers, doors, or vaults. The isometric perspective, reliance on item combinations, and chapter-like format all feel lifted directly from Sanitarium. And regrettably, Cayne and Stasis's reliance on blue and offensive language and problematic depictions of mental health are no different from Sanitarium as well. I was not a massive fan of Stasis, even though I respected it for trying to take advantage of the modern adventure game revival by doing something darker and different. However, the works of The Brotherhood are not for everyone, and you should be aware of that before jumping into anything associated with them.

Hardest/Worst Puzzles

1. The Eight Or Nine Times You Need To Find Passcodes Hidden In Terminals - I have always hated using catch-alls for my adventure game blogs, but considering this is a special, I will make a one-time exception. After you get past Cayne's opening chapter, you find your character stuck in a hub world with doors that are blocked by force fields. As you might expect, you need to visit each room in a specific order and find passwords that disable these barriers one at a time. That might sound alright until you consider each passcode is hidden in random computer terminals with diary posts you need to read painstakingly, one at a time. Sometimes these computer logs have upwards of fifteen to twenty entries, and the passcode is surreptitiously hidden at the butt-end of the middle or penultimate post. By the way, there's only one terminal where you can input passcodes to disable the force fields, and depending on your location, it takes FOREVER for the protagonist to get to it. The rooms also have anywhere between five to ten segmented parts, so finding the one terminal with the passcode you are looking for is sometimes challenging. This structure makes the middle act of the game feel like a complete slog.
2. Using Protein Powder On a Terminal To Discover a Passcode - I'm not too fond of the often red herring lines of logic you need to follow regarding The Brotherhood's approach to item combination puzzles. A perfect example comes early in Cayne when you need to unlock a password-protected computer terminal. The password is a touch-screen-based system, and while you can attempt to brute force the answer, it's best to scour for the items that make the solution vastly easier. First, you need a mangled piece of metal that you discover to be a scalpel. Next, by a shrine, you must pick up a can that turns out to be protein powder. Using the scalpel on the tin opens the lid, and now you can apply the can to the terminal to reveal fingerprints that indicate which buttons to press to unlock the computer screen. Both quest items are small, barely flickering pixels in the environments you gather them. Finally, nothing in-game marginally suggests which objects connect to the locked terminal. It is a puzzle that only makes sense if you are the designer or consulting a guide.
3. The Final Grub Habitat Puzzle - Did I mention how much I hate this game's reliance on computer terminals? For the game's final puzzle, it places a horrible alien-human hybrid monster between you and freedom. While researching this abomination, you discover that experimental grubs in a testing room secrete a noxious gas the monster finds intoxicating. However, for these insects to produce the gas, you must adjust the humidity and temperature of their habitat. The correct temperature is located in a random PDA lying on the ground of a printing room, and at the point when you first interact with it, you have no idea to write down the temperature. The information related to the correct humidity is at least in the room where the insects can be found. Still, I need help justifying the first part of this puzzle being an easily missable item, four or five steps removed from where you apply it. It is not as if the PDAs or terminals highlight story-critical text like The Legend of Zelda. Worse, dozens of PDAs only add extra storytelling flavor. Therefore, it's impossible mentally to categorize which ones are important.

Recommendation: NO, HARD PASS - I did not enjoy my time with Cayne. While I could accept Stasis at the time as a throwback to a bygone style of adventure game deliberately aimed at a mature audience, something about Cayne rubbed me the wrong way. It's an equal mix of me being aware of The Brotherhood's problematic storytelling crutches and my tiredness with their go-to gameplay tricks. It's still a free title you are free to check out if you have an interest in playing something that errs towards the macabre, but even then, some of the fiddlier aspects of how to play it are bound to annoy you. Luckily, it's a game that tops out in under three hours if you know what you are doing.